BPDFamily.com

Good morning - I came across this sight while doing some research for the blog I'm (finally) starting as a way to reach others who may be struggling through a mother with BPD. I'm so thankful to have found you all!
I'm 42 years old, the oldest of four children and the only girl. After decades of dysfunction, crisis, and chaos (which I thought was "normal", who knew?), and years and years of back and forth and closing the door and re-opening it because I felt it was my duty as a daughter... .I no longer have any contact with her, and neither do my husband and our two daughters. My three brothers continue to have their own relationships with her, and my relationships with each of them have changed significantly over the years (for the worse), because she has them convinced that she's the victim, and I'm a horrible human being for setting boundaries (which, as I mentioned, have ultimately resulted in zero contact whatsoever - there is truly no other way at this point, I've tried for so many years). She is manipulative, and she preys on weak-minded and impressionable people. She's been doing it for as long as I've known her.
I am also the adult child of my parents' epic 8 year divorce (after being married for 25 years), and my mother's unabashed hatred for my father - in the form of her drinking a couple bottles of wine and then cornering me in my kitchen for an hour to tell me how much she hates him - and me for not hating him. This has gone on since I was a young teenager, and when convenient, she used to send her grown women friends to me to tell me the same - that I was a bad daughter for not being more supportive of my mom. Only one of them ever apologized in later years. But I digress... .:)
My father passed away in 2013, my mother continued beyond that (it actually got worse, because then she started using his death as a manipulation tactic to be the hero of everyone's life - shaking my head as I type this, because you really can't make this stuff up) to spew her hate and destruction when she came to visit me and my family (we thankfully live across the country from each other). Her last visit here was Christmas of 2014. It didn't go well at all, and I pray that I'll never have to see her again.
After the past several years (since my father's passing) of amazing therapy (my husband has been a part of it as well from time to time), I've come to accept people's judgement on the fact that I have no contact with her ("but that's your mom!", but I still struggle greatly from time to time to piece it all together and step out of that layer of my life that I realize now has prevented me from being my most whole and authentic self - wife - mom, etc. I love my husband and my daughters with everything I have, and am committed always to doing my work in order to not be adversely affected by my upbringing. The combination of therapy, hearing the stories of others who've been through this hell, and continuing to educate myself on BPD (I read quite a bit) have been paramount. Like so many of you I'm sure, I just want to be free from the disaster she's made of my family, and has tried for decades to make of me. I'll continue with all my heart and soul to defy the odds of ending up like her just because it's all I knew as a child and a young woman.

Welcome departedapple: 

Good to have you join the family. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry about the situation with your mom and the loss of your father.  You will meet others here, who have circumstances similar to yours.


I'm a believer in the fact it isn't so much a matter of what hand you are dealt, but how you play the hand.  Congrats on making some wise plays.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

Welcome, departedapple!

Thanks for sharing some of your story. This is a great community for healing and support. It's great that you already have done some work in therapy, too. Like you, I'm a reader, so I have gone through almost all the books and articles I could get my hands on in order to get a better understanding of my experience with a BPD mother. This site has a lot of good ones. Two that I really love are Radical Acceptance for family members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) and Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle). You may find them relevant to your situation as well.

Here at  bpdfamily we use a healing framework. In the right-hand margin, you can find the Survivor's Guide, which breaks down the healing process into three main phases. The steps within each phase may not be exactly linear, but clicking them will give you a general idea of what might come next in our journey. Where do you see yourself at present? What kinds of steps do you want to take next in your recovery?

We'll look forward to hearing more from you when you're ready.