BPDFamily.com

I am a lawyer. I live in California which is a community property state. I don't practice in the area of family law but generally know my rights/responsibilities. My question for you is one of STRATEGY.

By mutual decision my wife moved out. I need to legally protect myself. Community property by all accounts stopped as of the date she moved out. I am at the point of filing for either a legal separation or divorce. I could also take the route of a separation agreement which would be legally binding.

I am loath to file for divorce. I don't want to NEVER see my wife again. As much as she hurt me I am still able to "split" her into her good part and bad part. Not healthy but that is still where I am at. I love her. When she is not melting down  I enjoy her company. Sex is... .great. Basically I would like to keep her as a "girlfriend".

I was thinking about a formal Legal Separation. Has all the particulars of a divorce, separation of property, etc., but does not have the stigma and I can still keep her on my health insurance. We are still "married" so that gives me the "warm and fuzzy" feeling/illusion but with the legal protections of a divorce re: community property , etc.

Option #3. A separation agreement. The path of least resistance. Keeps things out of Court. Probably would inflame her less and get me the same result. Must be properly drafted and we must consult with our own counsel same as the two options above.

Here is the reality. IN her mind she does not think of this as much of a marriage at all. She has ceased wearing her wedding bands, refused to take my name after the first paint brush of black, deleted me from Facebook ( after changing her name on Facebook back to her FORMER married name). Yet she says that she is willing to work on our issues.

My goal, above all else, is to protect my assets. It has been a short marriage... .since 2013. BUT I make way more than she does and I have a pension and retirement savings at risk. I don't want to piss her off so that she takes me to the cleaners and at this point ( unhealthy as it may be) I still want her around. And MAYBE, just maybe, if I do something less than a divorce, she will be more reasonable as to claiming her share of the community property.

But I must act fast legally. I cannot put it off for much longer.

Any thoughts? And thank you for weighing in on this!

Have you hired an attorney?

Your wife does not sound like she has a BPD based on this comment alone.    My ex and I have no mutual decisions.     While attempting to protect your assets, I would attempt for a legal separation.     See how this goes.     Perhaps this will work for a long time.     Perhaps you take it to divorce later.     For your kids sake I would only get divorced if absolutely necessary, and you are your ex seem to collaborate enough to avoid this for now (but I have not read all of your posts to know enough).    Good luck.   

Moving out was about the only mutual decision we have made in a long time. It was prompted by me. She agreed. So I say it was mutual. I was tired of the constant arguing. So was she. If you see my other posts, we differed in parenting styles and money/priorities.
We don't have any kids together thank God.
We don't have any assets together save a cheap time share.
But my pension, my retirement savings and the appreciation in my home are at risk.
Trust me, she has BPD but undiagnosed. Ticks all the boxes my friend.

Yes. I have retained an attorney.

since you have no kids, i would go full throttle, protect your assets and get divorced.     you say the sex is good and you fight over everything.     i personally choose to avoid the chaos and the sex is only a small part of everything.     I would seek a healthy relationship with someone else.    even if the sex is less than perfect, having someone not trying to stab you in the back (as BPD's do) make the bedtime routines much more palatable.    life is too short.   run

1 or 3. 2 means you are paying the cost of a divorce without actually getting divorced, so you may end up paying it twice.

Good point Flourdust... .I have considered that. Divorce will close the door completely. I am not emotionally ready for that right now so I am weighing the other options. If I didn't love her anymore, I would have divorced already.

Ready or not I may have to divorce, especially if she is difficult with me on "settlement". I will for sure file for divorce then.