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In 2016 I have made massive strides forward in dealing with my borderline mother, setting boundaires, and learning boundary skills to have more successful interactions with others.

What drove me here was a fail job that I got fired from due to my poor boundary skills.  I have learned boundary skills, but am now worried that I won't be able to compete against others who come from solid families who have had years to practice boundary skills.

I am 44 and feel like a complete failure at times.  I want a good paying job, quality people and want someone special in my life too.

I had to see myself at a disadvantage, but objectively it is true.  What is a realistic expectation for turning things around job, relationships etc...   The thought of just getting a camp in the woods and becoming a writer fills me with joy.  I just don't know.

Would like to hear from others who have healed did it make a differance for you job or relationships?

Hi  ijustwantpeace


Can you give some examples of the boundary problems you had in the work place?  People tend to interpret the reference to boundaries differently.  Some specifics could help.

The boundary issues would manifest themselves with me trying to help others, but I was really being controlling.  Trying to tell others what they need to do.  No one likes that, and I understand that.  Now, I just keep my opinions to myself unless asked for them. 

Another example would be I would go nuts if the company I was working for would used technology that was 10 to 15 years out of data or do things manually.  Now I just don't care.  I will do it whatever way they want if they are paying enough.

The last thing is that I found myself trying to save everyone and it created alot of confusion for me.

I know understand it is ok to pursue my own interest and do things like business on a small scale.  It is ok to help one group of people solve a problem, but not the world.

Now at 44 I just don't know what to do everyone is so much further ahead of me in life. 

Focus on your future and make your best effort to make it the best it can be.  Others have been out of the work force for a number of years and then reenter.  Either parent can become a stay-at-home parent, while the other spouse is the primary bread winner.  Your situation needn't be treated differently


I see your point, in trying to make them more efficient. All you can do is make a suggestion once (or if the right opportunity presents itself, another time or two) and then drop it.  Sounds like you learned a lesson.  I've had to participate in some really stupid goals and metrics, because someone in the upper ranks didn't have the guts to try to convince a 4th level manager (with experience in managing office buildings), that the same metrics can't logically apply to a complex factory situation.  I spent a whole year going to weekly meeting, where everyone got beat up for their metrics.

It can feel good to help others, but some people just don't learn for various reasons.  Some people seem to be too lazy to learn, as long as they know they can keep going to others to do something for them.  So, even when people keep asking, the level of help may need to be tamed.  At least, make sure you get you work done, before spending too much time helping the same people over and over again.

I used to be in a work group, where I was eager to help my teammates.  I took the time to learn some frustrating new software and coach them on how to use it, or to help them use an Excel spreadsheet (they should have known).  I was always happy to help, but I did discover that the same people would ask for help on the same issues time after time. They never took notes and never learned no matter how I approached tutoring them.  They lacked the initiative to try and figure things out.  

Sometimes, I think it is better to tame your eagerness to help, and not let it get out of hand. The Company I worked at did annual performance reviews, which became a joke.  The first line managers were rotated around so much, managers had no idea what skill their people had. The theory that any manager can manage anything, doesn't always make sense. How can you evaluate people if you don't understand what they really do or don't do.

There was a tendency that if some prior manager thought someone deserved a high rating, then it was easier to just follow suit with what last year's manager did.  My organization decided they wanted the majority of their employees to rate as average, with only a certain percent to receive an overall rating that was better than average.  My jaw would drop, when I would find out that some of the people who kept asking me for help, got better reviews than I did. One man didn't follow proper procedures, but he was productive by not following procedure (took less time).  Managers didn't know what they didn't know, just perpetuated a better performance review for this person.  I learned to listen and keep my mouth shut, but some people were too forthcoming in sharing their performance review with others.

ijustwantpeace Sounds like you have you head on straight and are ready to get back into the work force.  |iiii If you find yourself wanting to fall back into old habits, postpone action.  Sometimes, it can be a good idea to write suggestions to management out as a draft and keep it at least overnight before sending.  You will find that some drafts need to be destroyed.

It never hurts to keep a file to document certain things (CYA file).  If a company has a Human Resources, they are generally concerned with the welfare of the Company, which isn't necessarily doing something best for your welfare.