BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone... .I've been in therapy for 7 months now, so I can learn the tools I need to disengage myself from my 26 yr. old daughter who has most of the hallmark traits of BPD.  What's difficult to deal with is - she, my son-in-law and 17 mo. old granddaughter are living with me and have been for the last 2-1/2 years while trying to save money for a house.  She's very careful about not letting him see her explosive moods which are only directed towards me or hear the ugly things she says to me.  I'm a single parent with not much family, so I get the bulk of my support from my therapist.  And I work full-time, so that's really saved me, too.  At least I have somewhere to go to get away.

We had a relatively calm period for the last 3 months, so I knew she was overdue for a melt-down and sure enough it happened.  The kitchen was a disaster when I got home 2 nights ago, so I remarked to her that I don't leave a mess for them and it's not fair to me to come home to that.  Boy, did she go off on me - via text message the next day.  I didn't respond, which is what my therapist told me to do.  Don't engage with her.  So of course, she's not speaking to me now.  I guess what I'm asking here is, do we have any way of knowing what will trigger the BP's explosions? 

Hi mitchl1221,

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome the to BPDFAMILY. I'm sorry to hear that you had that terrible experience with your D26. It helps to talk T ( like you're doing) concurrently with a support group. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you, I recall when I first arrived here and it felt like we all talked the same language and culture didn't have to explain mysterious elf.

A pwBPD have low self esteem, low self worth, self loath, they're hypersensitive, like a HSP ( hyper sensitive person ) feelings equals facts to a pwBPD whereas feelings are followed by facts with a non disordered person. It helps to tweak how we communicate, validate your D26's feelings first and follow up with your truth at the end. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you're not alone.

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)

PS You'll find the lessons to the right side of the board.

yeah, I think anything that can be interpreted as judging is likely to cause a reaction because of triggering the feeling of being put down or being looked at badly. My adult daughter told me that what made her feel worst was when I seemed to be thinking badly of her or judging her, and looking back that is when the most blowups occurred.

If you feel like you're drowning, even though you're overwhelmed, I think taking the time to develop close relationships with adult friends outside the house is really essential.  Don't feel guilty about taking the time, because it can make things better for everyone.  That sounds like a really stressful situation.  Take care of yourself!

Hi there mitchll121

My BPDs26 lives at home too so I understand the difficulties of adults living together. This is then further complicated by BPD and it's so easy for them to take things the wrong way or feel completely useless.

There's been a few issues I've needed to raise: non payment of rent, late rent, bedroom and bathroom cleanliness, access to the washing machine and drier because he leaves loads in, loud sex, not pitching in to help out. It goes on!

Any confrontational conversation about him doing or not doing something is a trigger. He resists, particularly when it involves any effort on his part. 

I've worked hard on better communication skills and validation. I also choose my moment and know what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it beforehand.  Never when he's tired, hungry, busy, anxious or, for that matter, me either!  I'm light as a fairy in my conversations but assertive/caring on the more serious stuff. I don't always get it right but I'm a lot better than I was.

I may let the little things go sometimes BUT the rent is always paid. I pick my battles and concentrate on what really matters.

What really matters to me is him learning financial management skills so he can eventually live independently. That's my priority and, in the scheme of things, his bedroom being a mess is just a small irritation. Anything that invades our lives I try to deal with; the loud sex conversation went well but it was a tricky one to have.

What used to happen was that I'd react to the small things in the wrong way and things would escalate when the root of the problem was that I was completely fed up because he wasn't paying rent - all because I wasn't insisting on it.

I found using DEARMAN really effective.

I used this when I raised the fact that he was persistently late with his rent.

I found this scenario useful (I'm using my iPhone so don't know how to get a link in):

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/interpersonal_effectiveness1.html

Walking in to find a complete mess in the kitchen must have been irritating. Especially when you're tired after a full days work. Does it happen often?  Are they actually saving and have a date they're working towards to get their own place?

L

Hope you don't mind someone with BPD weighing in here, just want to offer my advice.

Triggers for everyone with BPD will be different but there is an overarching general "trigger", which is real or imagined abandonment... .The trouble is, each pwBPD perceives real or imagined abandonment in very different ways, and to varying extremes. Some of us can be delusional and perceive abandonment where there is none.

However, it might help if you can (if this is doable) have a conversation with her about what triggers her to behave this way. Some people with BPD are able to "own up" to these triggers, and others not so much.