BPDFamily.com

   My husband and I have been going to a marriage counselor for more than five sessions, and it seems that each one is like ground hogs day. The same thing is being said by him, and it is a total repeat of his anxieties in our relationship. After these sessions, he is completely thrown off course and goes deep into his other side. This lasts for about three days. The therapist referred to it being "the bad" and the other personality "the good." She said (in front of him), that until I was able to make the bad one feel validated he would not be able to integrate. My job is to make everything fair. This is tough as we all know, life is not necessarily fair, to begin with. I am trying very hard to talk to him during his bad sides and calmly relate to him as to grounding and finding his center. He has laughed at me and said: "I am not mentally ill, and you will never convince me that I am." I love the good side of this man but the bad side is making me crazy. I can always tell when he is switching as he sighs heavily and then has a different facial expression. Do any of you have these things going on with your loved one? Sometimes I feel like I am crazy and that it's all in my imagination, and then without warning, the bad one is in charge. Help.

I'm a little concerned that the therpaist is labeling him bad and good. My husband alredy struggles ALOT with feeling like a bad person. I'm constantly trying to show him and explain to him the difference between bad behaivor and being a bad person. It is placing a judgment on him. THe counselor is paiting him black--which is exactly what people with BPD struggle with--seeing things in black and white only.

Secondly, the counselor sounds like he is putting a lot of onus on you to fix things. Yes, validation is EXTREMELY important with someone with BPD but it's not your fault that he dysregulates. Validation really is the key to communication with someone with BPD and valiating will often calm them down immediately, but not always. In the end he is responsible for his own behaivor and you are responsible for yours. Learning to validate will really help quite a bit and there are some great resources on this site that will teach you how to validate.

THirdly, life isn't fair. For a counselor to tell you that you have to make it fair is not fair. He should be teaching both of you how to handle conflict when things aren't fair.

Accepting a diagnosis of mental illness is very hard for most people, but even more so to someone with BPD. To them it means they are permanently flawed. They frequently don't see their emotions as inappropriate because their emotions are their reality. It's embarassing to be labeled. It's scary to accept mental illness. Your husband may never accept the diagnosis, and it may cause things to get worse if you (or the counselor) try to push him into the label of BPD. Maybe just letting that part go will help. For you, know and understand that he has BPD, but it doesn't need to be discussed with him. THe behavior associated with it can be discussed, but the diagnosis isn't necessary to know what you are dealing with.

You are using the term "switching" and "integration." This language is more typically associated with persons on the dissociative spectrum vs solely BPD.

I have DDNOS (aka severe dissociation but not exactly DID/MPD)

Some professionals feel that BPD is on the spectrum of Dissociative disorders and that it should be classified as such via DSM. (However, it can also be comorbid anyway)

(I personally can see validity in adding it to dissociative disorders, or not.  PwBPD do seem to, in additionto the typical traits, have higher levels of dissociative features than general population.)

If my hunch that this therapist is treating your SO as dissociative parts is correct, then I completely get where T is coming from in this method of helping the "bad" one feel accepted.  (However, I personally wouldn't have an easy time integrating a Part anyone is labeling "bad."

My experience, with my own DDNOS is that yes, it does help me when my suppressed and less wanted parts feel allowed to exist.

Yet, I also do not exactly see this as my SO responsibility or anyone's except my T and myself.

Getting support from others is a bonus to me, not a mandatory element in any of my relationships.

Does your SO have a Dx of BPD or DID or DDNOS or such?
Have you or your SO found any successes with this approach so far?

Fyi: the approach the T is using may be based on "Theory of Structural Dissociation of Personality" which includes BPD on its own, as well as a range of dissociative ways.

Ps: I see you have few posts
WELCOME!
:)