BPDFamily.com

Hi,

My mom originally diagnosed with bipolar and depression, has what I've now come to realize is BPD. She displays almost all of the traits listed in the DSM5. I'm here for practical advice on how to to have a better relationship!

The biggest problem I'm having is dealing with splitting and guilt. Whenever my mom has a stressful event (this time financial stress) she gets very depressed, but also very manipulative towards me, often blaming me for not being around enough, not doing enough for her, or generally not being a good enough daughter. I know this now as "splitting" as I'm either in this scenario with her or the "best daughter in the world" boat. When I try to set boundaries with her she only becomes more manipulative and tries to guilt me into feeling like a bad person and states "I've changed". I'm then stuck now knowing what to do next. She will not reach out to me, so unless I make the initiative we will often go a week or more without talking. I don't want her to feel like this type of behavior is ok by acting like nothing has happened, but I also know it's the disorder and I shouldn't take her words personally. I want to have a good relationship with her but I don't know how to respond when she's manipulative and disrespectful to me. Should I give her some space or reach out? We have been in this cycle since I was 14 and now at 32 I just often feel fed up. Looking for practical advice.

Thanks!

Welcome YouveGotMail! 

It sounds as if you have been doing some reading to understand more of your mom's traits, and that is really good, showing that you desire to make sense of what is and has been going on. It is quite a struggle to walk through life never knowing if you are on her good side or her bad side, especially when splitting occurs. It causes such confusion in the mind of a child especially, and during those formative years, it can be devastating. I found that even in my adult years when my uBPDm split me, it was still very hard. I am so sorry that your uBPDm is doing this.

Here is a link for you related to splitting from one of our workshops. There is some helpful information here to guide you along in your journey with her:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)

You will find a lot of like minded people here who are dealing with issues much like you are running into with your mom. Have you taken a look at the right side of our board under "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" There may be more information there to help you step into a deeper understanding of what is going on with her. Are there other challenges that you face with your uBPDm that you would like to share with us?

Wools

Thanks for the link! It's helpful to read about others going through similar situations and to read more about BPD.

The biggest issue I face with my BPDm is dealing with all the guilt and worry. She does not have many friends or other family members she is close with and often relies on me as her only social interaction outside of work. I often feel that if I don't check on her or call her then no one else will. I worry if she will fall into a deeper depression if I distance myself.

She states her mental illness causes her too much social anxiety and I've made multiple failed attempts to try and get her involved in more activities. I know I can't force her to do anything, and it has to come from her own motivation. I also know I've probably been an enabler in the past by always making sure I spent enough time with her, even at the expense of my own life or preference. As I am closest with her, she knows she can hurt me the most and can be extremely manipulative. In our last argument she took out her anger of having to take down all her christmas decorations by herself because I was out of town, and for not showing the same emotion on her christmas card that I've showed in years past. She constantly gives me a guilt trip for not calling enough or spending enough time with her, yet she never calls me "bc I'm always busy". She gets upset that I don't share enough of my life with her, yet when I tell her things I'm doing she replies with comments like "must be nice" or "of course it worked out for you like always".

I love her very much, and am trying to learn more about her disorder (I'm reading the eggshells book too) so that I can respond better in our conversations. But sometimes I wonder if I'm again just trying to figure out how I can fix her and placing the responsibility on myself. I'm afraid to refrain from contacting her since she has so little support in her life. I'm essentially afraid she will fall off the deep end without me. Since I was 14 when my parents split I've been the only constant support in her life. As a kid I didn't know anything about her disorder and was always walking on eggshells, trying to please her, trying to build her up so she didn't talk about suicide, etc.

We had a big snowstorm this wknd and I keep wondering how she is doing with getting to work. I just don't want to be in the continuous cycle of her thinking it's ok to be dependent on me, lash out at me, etc and I will just keep taking it and coming right back.