BPDFamily.com

New to any board,  but desperate to learn more so I can help my daughter. She is 21 now, but I've always known "something" wasn't quite right. At 18 she moved out because (as always) she refused to follow any rules or even to cooperate at all. Her very 1st boyfriend was emotionally abusive, but she defended him fiercely. At 20 she suddenly dumped him and immediately moved in a heroine addict 8 years older than her. We paid for her to become a cosmetologist, so she was supporting herself.
Skip to 1 1/2 years later, she has had an auto accident with a broken femur (metal rod from hip to knee), ruined credit, heroine addict herself, homeless, and still can't leave this druggie boyfriend no matter how aweful he is! We only found out 6 months ago she was BPD and it all made sense! Now, how do we help her? She refuses any advice or help we've offered. I've even had several therapist appointments, only for her to refuse to go at the last minute.
So, I'm anxious to start reading and finding out how I can help when she won't help herself.

Hi there englishheart

Welcome to the board. I'm truly sorry your experiencing these problems. Our adult children push us to points where it's just so painful and exhausting. You've come to the right place and there's many here to support you.

My BPDs26 has used drugs for a long time. Like you I've always known there was something wrong but couldn't see if his behaviours were symptoms of the drugs or something else. He was diagnosed at 24 following a crisis when in California. We live in the uk. His drug of choice now is weed, under periods of stress he uses tablets, opiate linked. He currently lives with us.

You'll find information about BPD and tools that you can use to learn how you can improve the way you interact with your daughter. The more I learned about BPD, the better I understood his limitations and daily challenges. Knowledge is power. Drugs certainly complicate the situation but we're learning to live happier, despite the problems.

I've learnt how important validation and invalidation is to my BPD, and he's slowly and positively responded as our relationship has improved through me communicating better with him. It's baby steps. We're in a much better place than we were 12 months ago and our BPD is now working.

The skills have changed me and improved my life. I have healthier relationships with my other family members and friends. My poor friends, they just couldn't understand.

 Regardless, if my BPDs decides to stop drugs and seeks treatment, I've gained life skills and a better relationship with him.

Does your daughter live very far away?

What support do you have?

We've all lived the "crisis", but I would like to hear some success stories of people who got better. My BPDd is very suicidal, and I feel hopeless and heartbroken for her pain. Just would be nice to hear something positive. Thanks in advance!

Hi there,
I just found a thread in the link on the message board above this one. It's called success stories

Could you elaborate?


Do you feel guilt?

Englishheart,

As a parent of two little ones still,  I can only imagine what you're going through.  This is a gig road to travel, but many parents here have been through it or are currently.  

It may be hard to step back a little,  probably having been in "reacting" mode for so long,  but even though your daughter is suffering,  you probably are too. Have you dig into the lessons at the top of the board yet? This might be a good place to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

The success stories that Hulu was referring to (and I thought the same thing) are at the top of the Improving Board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

I don't know of they might help you,  being stories of marriages, but many members also struggled with suicide ideation and often addictions. We have parents her who have reached stablemail relationships with their children. Hopefully some will chime in.

Hi, yes, I think I can give a 'success story'.  Though I can't say for sure that my daughter had/has BPD, I definitely saw the idealization/devaluation cycle, the loving and then completely disregarding behaviour, the fear of abandonment (because she had been abandoned as a child, she was not my biological child), paralyzing anxiety, need for validation, lots of lashing out in anger/oppositional behaviour. 

She doesn't now want to be close to me or talk very much, but she is successful in her life in college, with a steady boyfriend who seems very dedicated and responsible, and she gives her self the validation she needs by having a very loving relationship and some fun-seeking, which I'm really grateful she can do in place of drugs.  I don't know if heroin has permanent effects but if your daughter can find other ways to give herself the dopamine high she needs by having intimate relationships, fun, pets, or other ways to give herself that good feeling without drugs, maybe she can get off of them.  My daughter needs a lot of positive inputs, feeling of loving, warmth, closeness, fun; right now not from me, she never felt like she got what she needed from me, but she seeks those things to validate herself (we all want them, but she really needs them). 

So the best way in my case to talk to her is to be able to 'play' a little with her like teasing or other warm interactions, she can accept, but she is super sensitive to criticism.

however when we were dealing with unacceptable behaviours the best way I had to deal with them was to put it on principle, I was lucky that my daughter wanted to do what she thought was the right thing and if I could put it in a way that she saw it as the right thing to do, she would accept responsibility.

The book that helped me the most actually is not one I see here a lot, its Sheila Zaretsky's Reaching the Unreachable Child

Hope that helps.  I don't know what you are going thru but I know even with the success that I am grateful for, I felt and still feel very deep pain, and you have to make sure you take care of yourself.  Talk to friends and other caring adults.  Take it one step at a time.  Celebrate any positive movement or steps in the right direction.   

I don't know anything about the heroin, but it sounds to me if she is refusing to go at the last minute maybe she has a lot of anxiety.  Will she spend any time with you and talk to you at all?  If she's anxious about the therapist appointment maybe talk about that and how to overcome it by looking forward to somethign after, etc.  If she agreed to the appointments in the first place I think that is a good sign that she wants to improve.  I would try to get her to talk to you about her anxiety, why she canceled them, and if she wants to go to one what might help.

If she won't go try some books.  Feeling Good is helpful for depression, she can read that one herself.  Martha Lineham's books were also helpful to me.  So was 'Transforming the Difficult Child, Nurtured Heart Approach'.   Sometimes even watching a show together something funny like Dr Phil can be healing.  I don't really know because I haven't really succeeded in being where I want in my relationship with my daughter but we did make it through the rebellious years hanging by a thread! If she does move back in with you maybe those things would be helpful also in negotiating limits and boundaries which is really really hard to do with BPD, but I think it is possible, at least with some BPD trait kids.

Good luck. 

Englishheart ,

Here is the story of one of our parents here:  Falcon Ridge Ranch Month 1: BPD d13 going into residential treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563)

At the end of the thread,  she has links to threads detailing the subsequent 9 months.  

Last I heard (this past year),  she and her daughter are doing well  :)

The things which bring us here are painful,  and though there are no quick fixes (unfortuately). However,  there is hope. Everyone one of us,  moderators and advisors included,  landed here as newbies, lost and in a lot of pain. Sharing with the community is the strength of a support group such as we are.  

The benefit of being here is to share safely, as well as knowing that none of us are alone.  And you aren't alone  

T

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I feel for everyone who has to deal with any type *Hi! of mental pain, whether with themselves or a loved one. My d has agreed to got to a treatment facility! I will keep posting with developments.   

Good luck, stay safe.

A step towards, well done your daughter that is a very brave step and hugs to you  WDx