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Ive been out of the relationship for 2 months.

I kicked him out, couldn't handle the yelling and blaming and complete lack of any care in him towards me or our cat or our life.

He left easy. Too easy. But its okay.

It has been the best emotional decision for me.
I work insanely to survive. He did a lot of financial damage to me.
But I am surviving. I am in fight or flight, and I'm fighting.

I still have minor contact with him because I still need him to help pay for the damages done. It feels bad, but my T is like he should have been paying those things, DO NOT FEEL BAD.

Sometimes he will start the emotional abuse in texts. Luckily because I had pneumonia I was able to tell him I was severely sick and to knock off the arguing. His retort, he isn't arguing. ya, okay. But it stops. My seasonal jobs are finished, so he feels good about me not being able to get jobs. This is when the brainwashing starts up. Where I feel like I need him. Or I made a wrong decision, even though I know perfectly that it was the right thing to do!

Like I said best decision, but not easy. Either choice wasn't easy; staying or leaving.

I have noticed I don't take compliments well, I feel like crying when someone does compliment me, or when they do I don't take it in to the full extent wondering what the catch is.  I usually am very affectionate, but I have lacked affection for such a long time I am almost adverse to it. I wonder when I will be normal again? Or am I always going to be emotionally detached. And its more bothersome that I am fully aware of being this numb.

But I sleep better, I feel better, my acne is healing, I feel pretty... .Ive been working 78-112 hrs per week for the last 5 weeks, even made friends while doing so, juggling 4 different jobs.  I'm proud of myself, I also have been standing up for myself a lot more, with friends, coworkers, whomever, boundaries are now being set. And if someone is blatantly being rude, I am more quick to call it out and address it rather than before and turn the other cheek which just resulted in more abuse or bullying. It feels weird, or rude, but it stops the negative behaviors.

But there are the days when all the bills dont get paid or the jobs dont come through or i realize im turning older soon and i never got to try to have a kid and the clock is ticking... .and I have issues to where once im a certain age its not gonna happen... .and then i cry. I cry over failure. I cry because its still a loss. I cry because my marriage and what i thought it would be is not. I cry because I lost my friend.

My therapist says Im doing amazing. That i am in the thick of it. But the few moments I get a break, it hurts, badly. Because I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this for.

We will meet this month to go into divorce mediation and file. Im not prepared for this part emotionally.

 

Hello Thread,

Sounds to me like you have got a handle on things, and more important know there are things you can't or don't need to control?

Have you looked at the legal boards or met with an attorney to help you through the mediation? 

You are doing this, you can keep doing it.  Celebrate this feeling and be proud.

Thank you ynwa

I've met w the divorce mediation therapist. I really don't want to involve lawyers I don't have money for all that. :/