BPDFamily.com

Just a curious question. I know everyone BPD is different.

For me, married for 10 years, I heard it twice and only because her son pointed out to her she was not being a nice person.

Since she filed for divorce 2 months ago I have already heard it twice more.

Interesting. I know she is just trying to keep me on the hook, but I like noting the changes.

I really don't like using absolutes, due to being subjected to relentless "never/always", "nobody/everyone", "everything/nothing" dysphoric rages for so long. But let me search my memory... .

Never.

In more than two decades.

I think "sorry" would be admitting fault, and that seems to be kryptonite for someone with BPD.

Hey Hisaccount, In my experience, it doesn't happen or is said insincerely.  In the weird black and white view of a pwBPD, an apology is tantamount to saying, "I am a bad person," which is unthinkable for a pwBPD.  LJ

I had a surreal moment once explaining what it meant to be "sorry".  A day after she hit me and drew blood.  She was in the detached, waif eyes, almost as though she was not there.  Back then, I didn't know about BPD. I at the time took it as similar to how I was feeling, shocked, hurt, emotionally zonked.  And she was incredibly hungover, as she had blacked out drunk.

I spent a long time taking to her, softly.  Her reply in the end?

"Im sorry you made me hit you."

Never say never... My ex of four years is diagnosed BPD and is under heavy treatment and therapy for it... When she has acted completely irrational before and later realized what she did, was reminded of what she did, if I called her out on something she knew she was guilty of doing, the tears started flowing and the whimpering of "I'm sorry" started coming out...

She didn't do this a ton, but she did it at least multiple times throughout our time together... And it was never just a plain old "I'm sorry" without any tears or drama... There was always drama over it, but she said it... And it usually was followed by days of depression and self loathing.

Many times toward the end of the relationship. The problem is, the actions never followed. The apologies were empty... .I'd almost have preferred none.

Lmao, You guys are awesome. Thank you.

Yeah I thought it was odd but normal.

I kind of think she is doing now to seem vulnerable or not sure the word I am looking for, but needing rescued again.

Never, except when she accidentally stepped on my foot once. Nothing was ever her fault it was always "I did _______ because you _____".

Always.

All the time during idealization.
None of the time during Push-pull time

Never, and no other apology either, not for anything.

She apologized a couple of times sincerely over a 2-year period but her behavior was really bad when she did. Most of the apologies were so shallow and insincere that they meant nothing.

I would tell her we are all human and that I didn't expect perfection and if she lost her temper just sincerely apologize and we move forward. She would almost never do it. usually I had to tell her she owed me an apology and they were just words. It meant nothing.

The lack of accountability was unbelievable and many times I remember saying to her when very frustrated: "no accountability EVER"! How could anyone possibly have a healthy rs with someone who is completely unaccountable for their behavior? She will never have a healthy rs.

She gave me a few genuine (I think) apologies but I could count the number on times on 1 hand in almost 12 years of marriage.  The normal apology she'd give was something along the lines of "I'm sorry you think that way" or "I'm sorry you think I did that to you."  If I'd corner her and hold her accountable for her behavior I'd get an angry "I'M SORRY" through gritted teeth with curled lips and everything.

In couples counseling we did this exercise where we each made a list of things the other person had done to hurt us.  Then we'd go through the list and the other person was to apologize saying they'd understand how that was hurtful etc.  My wife took 2 whole sessions to go through her very lengthy list of things I'd done to hurt her (real and imagined), another session and a half for the counselor to convince her that she actually needed to listen to my list and apologize, 20 minutes of giving the "angry apology" then the counselor putting the exercise out of it's misery.

Never. Xw would never accept my apology. She had a very twisted way of looking at things. An apology meant nothing she said if your going to make the mistake again.

I have heard "Sorry" several times. Usually during the "happy" phase. To me that word means nothing anymore when she says it.

Wow... .reading these post sent my mind reeling, came out of my non mouth alot, so much that I am sure it sounded insincere after awhile... .but from my u BPD partner... .can't remember much of anytime when it related to our relationship.  Heard it from when something would go wrong at work or other non relationship things... .hmmmm

Once. My BPDxbf had been going to a group aimed at men who are physically violent OR GET VERY ANGRY. He apologised for calling me names, said he'd realised it was wrong. Within two weeks, he'd called me a 'cold, heartless b!tch' again, so his apology was pretty meaningless.

Lifewriter x

Mine would say sorry in the earlier days when she thought I was leaving her after her abuse. Sometimes it came quickly, sometimes in the morning. Over time they became less and less and were instead replaced by excuses and justifications. She might say sorry if you pointed something out, but one of my last conversations with her was "I am sorry I [messaged another guy for 6 weeks before cheating on you with him], but I dumped you so can't be made to feel bad for that".

I think that sums it up - she had an excuse for everything, so couldn't be made to feel bad.

I heard that one a lot too.






Excuse for everything, that was mine too. I am so tired of excuses.

Thanks guys.

Never. Not once.

She said a few times. Far too little to cover her tantrums. Besides saying I'm sorry and then continue with the behavior and not seeking help makes the apology moot imo.

I only remember one time, during one of the idealization phases, for something relatively minor compared to his other behaviors, and only after I brought it to his attention. He never even acknowledged how abusive he was, forget apologizing for it. I shouldn't have to tell him that lying, cheating, physically hurting me, and a boat load of other abusive behaviors are wrong.

Ex apologized for everything. Sorry became a default platitude that came out of his mouth as a default. His sorry was meaningless for two reasons. One, he acted as though he was doing it because that is what was expected. He would use "sorry" as a way to dismiss me. I would usually walk away feeling like I was being demanding. Two, he would say he was sorry and then turn around and do the same thing. If I said anything about it, I would get stuff like, "I am sorry. I wasn't thinking." If I had a nickel for all of the times that he said, "I am sorry. I know I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't thinking." And then he would turn around and do it again.

Probably because it was just mirroring what he thought "sorry" looked like. I know my xW and many of her FOO were all incapable of sorrow, empathy, compassion, etc.  The coldness always puzzled me, and how they dismissed these emotions for some flavor of their crazy anger.

Case in point - if there was a heartbreaking story in the news - say a child died, a group of kids killed in a crash, etc., the response would always be the same. xW/FOO would seem to know they were expected to comment on the awful event, but it would be via them staring at me and angrily stating "I feel so Bad!".   A projection of anger, that was totally devoid of any sense of real caring, sorrow etc.  It was like they were making the statement that they were "supposed" to make, but was always clearly an empty gesture.

I wonder if she is starting that cycle again because I heard if the 3 time since the divorce last night.


It still just blows my mind how similar these people act, but not even act but the words and phrases they use.

The scary thing is that I now know that they believe what they are saying.

"For 25 years I did EVERYTHING for you!"

HTF could anyone really think that?  But if you want to support a sense of resentment, go to it... .

Oh yes the "everything" statement.  Everything was my BPDs way of manipulating other people into trying to change/punish me because she had already tried "everything."  To normal people everything means something quite different so it was easy for her to manipulate people until they caught on to her game.  Just like its kissing cousin "always," she did everything around the house and always had to initiate everything.  In reality everything meant always ___ing and trying to do less than nothing.

THIS! I laughed when I read "always ___ing and trying to do less than nothing." That sounds so much like ex. He would try to do less than nothing and would get mad at me for asking for some help. He was the bread winner and I was just a stay at home mom. Forget the fact that I worked two jobs. When he came home from work, I made sure that there was something for him to eat. The kids and I greeted him with hugs and kisses.

When I came home from work, I came home to hungry kids, a messy house, and him dumping all of the problems that he had with the kids on me. A lot of times, I couldn't even get my shoes off before I was bombarded with stuff. I was supposed to be okay with that. If I would say anything at all, I got to hear, "I am trying. It isn't my fault that the kids won't cooperate." Any attempt by me to get him to do more than nothing were met with him saying he was sorry that he wasn't good enough. He was trying.

Um, he wanted a gold star for farting. I am serious. He had horribly stinky farts. He would be sitting by me and let one rip. Sometimes, it was fine. Other times, like when I was eating, not so much. He would get up quickly and run into the hallway rather dramatically. I would look at him funny because it was a bit startling the way he jumped up. He would be, "What? I am sorry. I was just going in the hallway to fart so you didn't have to smell it." It was like something a 5 year old would do. He clearly expected me to thank him and fall all over myself because he had the self awareness to go fart somewhere else.

I'm looking for the Like button for this thread
Married 19 years.  My wife said sorry once in the first three years or so.  Then, "Sorry, but it's not my fault" once (which was a laughing point looking back for us).  And not again until I moved out of the bedroom last year.  So, it looks about once a decade on average for something similar to an apology with meaning (though questionable understanding).
I'm amazed how similar some of our BPD partners are.

Lmao, for the last couple of years my oldest son and his wife were calling my ex "the creepy person on the couch"

Didn't matter what was going on she was playing video games and completely ignoring everyone else.

I love hearing your stories, really helps to keep seeing how much better off we are now.

During our relationship (almost two years), he never apologised for any of his actions. Not once.

I would often end up in floods of tears over his viciousness and his vehement paranoid accusations (that I was cheating, manipulating him, etc.) and I would apologise for whatever he wanted me to apologise for just to make it stop. Later he would say he didn't remember any of these incidents.

Not long before I went NC, I told him how much his inability to be sorry for his behaviour and to see its impact on me had harmed me. He responded with outrage: "I apologised many times, for things I forgot I said! Maybe I didn't say them? Have you been manipulating me this whole time? YOU hurt ME countless times, and you never apologised once, and certainly not multiple times like I did." His exact words, in writing. I was staggered. Does he really remember the situation in reverse?

All the time but his behaviour never changed. He would just delete his horrible actions and do them again. He would never learn. But cry and say sorry and promise the world oh yes that I heard often.

Oh - I recall many of these rants. I would examine them thoughtfully - I would recognize all the words, even some of the sentences made with those words. But I could just never get to the point where I understood what the hell she was really trying to say.  Understanding a disordered mind is just a losing game... .

Now I'm looking for the Amen button on this thread.
When my wife get really revved up (the eyes become black pits), and it hasn't happened in a while since I've done so much detaching, but, I have to interrupt her and ask "OK, I'm listening, but, what subject are you talking about now?"  because I just can't follow the rabbit's hole of her logic.

So true. All of it guys.

I have hear sorry for the 4th time last night. I am telling you. She is gearing up for a recycle and thanks to all of you I think I am strong enough to keep from doing it.

Hey Hisaccount, Suggest you prepare yourself for a barrage of F-O-G: fear, obligation and guilt, which is the three-pronged spear that those w/BPD use to manipulate us Nons.  LJ

Ex would not look me in the eyes when we talked. It was bizarre to be talking to somebody about such important topics and have them not look you in the eyes. He started making it a point to look me in the eye after a counselor pointed it out to him. He had been telling me I was making it up.

At some point, he would deny doing something. I would push it and he would say, "I don't remember that. You said I did it so I must have done it. I am sorry."

The rabbit hole is a rather dark place. I cannot get ex to stay on a topic. I can bring up something about the kids and the next thing I know he is telling me some random thing that isn't related to the topic.

Once but it was so insincere. It felt more like 'I just want you to stop bringing crap up!' the way she shouted at me.

We were away from each other for about 2 months because of her work. The first day she came back she invited a new friend she never met in person yet over to our place. We spent the whole day wining and dining this new person it was exhausting.

I told her she was insensitive to my feelings because I already told her that I wanted to spend a quiet day with just ourselves and didn't she want that? the fact that I had not seen her in ages. We planned on meeting that new friend of hers a few days after but she changed her plans and yea, invited her the very day she came back when it was supposed to be just our day.

She yelled 'Sorry I was lonely!' and that's about it. She justified what she was already going to do that day I believe because by the time she arrived home I wasn't around. That it was my fault I didn't come home on time for her to not bring over a friend. She has none, this was just a new person she was curious about. She didn't tell me when she was going to arrive so I was out playing soccer with a friend and basically texted her to tell me when she's nearly arrived. When I received her text it was 30mins ago which wasn't a long while to miss a text and then my buddy drove me straight home. That's where the awkward friend of hers was over all dressed up like for a date sitting on our couch unsure it seems of what was going on. My buddy pointed out a week later when I saw him again how strange this person was dressing just to hang out as friends.

Looking back now, the person was actually a potential replacement which did not work out for her. She was disappointed that day that the replacement wasn't good enough to truly replace me. So it was more like sorry she wasted her own time. Behind the scenes she kept searching for a new one of course but kept the friend because she liked some additional attention in case we broke up.

Apart from that. All the cruel and insensitive things she's ever done I've never heard a sorry for.
She would say or shout stuff like 'I was feeling like crap which was your fault and you made me do it.'
'If only you did or were this, I wouldn't have done that'

My BPD friend said once, while she was in the psych ward and at her lowest point, but what she apologized for wasn't even what I really wanted her to apologize for, which really showed me that she has absolutely no concept of how her words and actions affect others. 

She talks in her sleep, and once, when she was sleeping, she mumbled, ":)id I do that?  I'm sorry."  I told her about it later, and she looked at me with that dead eye expression and a smirk on her face and said, "Yeah, well I never apologize, so I guess keep that one for a later time." 

Hmmmm, yeah never heard it.

She always told me I apologized too much.

Is an inability to regret or acknowledge mistakes characteristic of pwBPD?

My wife rarely apologized, and when she did it was insincere, especially toward the end of our relationship. She also had a hard time accepting my apologies, though in hindsight I probably apologized too much. The relationship did a number on my sense of self-worth.

The "I did everything for you" statement really resonates with me as well. Definitely looking for the like button on nearly every post in this thread... .

In my experience 100% yes.  I think it stems from the black and white thinking - if you acknowledge a mistake, you are admitting you are not perfect. In a black and white world, there is only all good and all bad, so less than perfect = bad and down the rabbit hole of shame and loathing go they... .

Yes, my BPD friend is like that, too, especially when I would say "I'm sorry that happened to you" when she would tell me something about her past--something that was likely a lie or an exaggeration anyway.  She would say, ":)on't be.  It's not your fault." 

I think she said once or twice in 2 years after she hit me and hurt me, she got startled and I was considering on what to do in that situation. She seemed frightened with her actions, but like the other said, she would imply she had done it because I had done "X, Y, Z" and it was my fault.

I'm not sure if she said it a few more but it's hard for me to remember because I would often look at her and could tell she was sorry even though she couldn't admit it.


Same thing pretty much. Mine said "Is that all you know to say?"