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Sorry for the long post.  More than anything, this is a needed catharsis as my wife's actions and behaviors have isolated me from friends and family over the past 10 years.  I'm nearly convinced I should divorce, but the only thing holding me back is the chance that she'll have primary physical custody of the kids.

We have attended counseling, but each counselor we go to ultimately angers my wife once behaviors start to be discussed.  Each time, she gets very silent and then blows up at me later for failing to forgive past actions, not being sensitive to her feelings, not working hard enough at the house, or not supporting her.  She then accuses the counselor of siding with me and being against her.

This last weekend (like almost 80-90% of weekends) went to competitions and seminars on her sport (this extends to mornings, afternoons, and evenings where I end up taking 100% of the care of our two children, the house, and household so she can practice).  Upon returning late on Sunday night, she followed her normal routine of coming in the house and mentioning everything she sees wrong (in a just-cleaned house), yelling at me, and then crying about how others in her sport don't appreciate her and doesn't mean to take it out on me.  In the morning, I mentioned that I felt hurt when she came home (using the recommended language from counseling) and was yelled at and told about 5-6 things that I don't measure up to.

During our first six years of marriage, she was a full-on alcoholic.  To her credit, a bad family experience and a health scare caused her to quit, which healed her enough to have two kids.  During that time, however, she was abusive in ways that she refuses to acknowledge ("I don't remember", "I couldn't have said that", etc.)  This includes very negatively comparing me to old boyfriends, her Dad (who's also a BPD alcoholic), and anyone else who came to mind while yelling, screaming, and sometimes hitting.  While I try to completely forgive the past, new yelling outbursts bring me back to those old times.  Am I being unfair?

In the past I forgave much as I was career military and often deployed between Afghanistan and Iraq.  Despite the abuse, I still have a surviving ego because I was able to get away and have the knowledge that I can overcome adversity.  However, now that I retired and transitioned to a 9-5 professional career, I don't see a positive future especially seeing her Dad constantly belittle and yell at her Mom during visits.  Beyond that, I don't want our two kids to grow up in that type of environment.  What should I do?

My biggest fear in a divorce is not having the kids live with me as I've started seeing her turn on them.  I'll sacrifice the equity in our house, alimony, and retirement for that.

I'm by-far not a perfect person although I have never strayed or been abusive in return.  My tactics have always been to retreat from the situation, apologize for everything, and make myself small.  I've questioned if the problem is that I'm not good enough or not loving enough, but it seems the more I do, the less respect and kindness I get back.

I don't hate her, but I don't know if I can or should stay in the situation.  I don't even know how to start getting the kids and I out.

I relate strongly with this situation.  My husband is much like that with the criticism when I've tried hard.  We have two children.  We've been together for over 10 years.  And I have used the same tactics: apologizing, making myself small, abandoning my interests and taking primary care of kids so he can do what he wants/expand his hobby.

Ultimately staying will mean more of the same, even if you get help that seems to work better.  We've seen a marriage counselor for about 4-5 months, and his reaction is similar.  Mad that he seems to be the one with all the problems, that we are ganging up on him, even though I carefully document our interchanges and explain why they are hurtful for me.  Of course I am not perfect either and have tried hard to listen to his criticism and anger without being defensive.  But it is exhausting, and stifling. 

I think you have a chance to get at least 50% custody, if not better.  I would highly recommend you read the book called "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with N or BPD."  Authors are Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy.  There is a lot of solid information there about how to collect evidence to improve your chances at getting more custody.

Hope you find your way to a clearer path soon.  I know it can be a long and winding road.

Nicke

Prof_eng,

You sound like you've been through alot.

I can relate to your situation in many ways ( BPD husband with similar incidents of splitting and expressing rage, two kids,etc.).  Trying to provide a sense of normalcy for your children is incredibly difficult.

Listen to yourself. Having a spouse with BPD can put a very heavy load on our shoulders. Can you continue this way if nothing improves?

Please get some legal advice and don't hesitate to be candid with your attorney.

Best of luck to you and your kids.
 

Hey Prof, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.  Looking back on my marriage to a pwBPD, I wonder whether on some level I thought that I deserved to be treated poorly, because I stayed in a long-term marriage to my BPDxW (16 years).

Whether to leave or stay is a question only you can answer.  Yet we are here to help you find the right path for you.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim

Hi Prof-

That is a tough situation. You are in a hard place, and trying to make what will never be an easy decision. I can't tell you to stay or go, but I can share my experience.

I'll try to be brief (though I'll probably fail).  

I grew up with what I now think was a BPD mother with some NPD traits. I went and found myself a BPD husband with NPD traits. We started fighting early on, but my own mild BPD, codependency & insecurity issues made me stay. We had 2 kids within a few years.

To make a long story short(er), I have been with my BPD/NPD husband for 20 years now. His behavior was intense int he beginning, but became milder after we discovered and eliminated some food allergies he had, so it was "tolerable." It was also not any worse (and rather better) than what I had grown up with. I did not realize until a couple of years ago as I had gotten to a certian point in my own therapy & healing journey just how emotionally abusive both he and my mother were (and I had been at one point when my kids were little), and how much stress we had put on the kids.

The results have been disheartening. I have watched my kids lose any trace of themselves. I have watched them withdraw into video games, Youtube and books, and avoid us because they fele like they can't even have an opinion. My younger son spent a good 6 months literally not speaking to me when he was about 12. He has done the same to his father mor recently. the older one has experimented with drugs and vaping and we have consistent problems with him lying and sneaking out. (FWIW, Uber is the absolute bane of parents of teenagers... .)

Our sons are 16 and 17 now- the oldest graduates this spring. My relationship with them has improved as I have improved through therapy. I notice small pieces of themselves and their confidence coming back here and there. And then my husband does some small thing like make a snarky remark or be controlling/manipulative without knowing it, and they shut down again. It is a constant cycle that is only not daily because my kids mostly avoid having any significant interaction with their Dad. This is easy to do, since he laments not spending more time with them, but rarely seeks it out himself. Family time is challenging. Sometimes it goes very well, and other times it is a disaster. Almost every holiday is stressful in some way.

I wish I had known what I know now and grown to where I am now 10 years ago.  I see what looks to me like depression, self-loathing and anxiety in my kids and I am afraid we have created the same problems or worse in them. I am concerned they will not be able to overcome it, and that we have doomed them. And this is with a BPD/NPD husband/dad that KNOWS (at least at times) that he has contributed to this and wants to improve. And I wonder what they would be like now if I had removed them from the negativity, the rages, the sniping, the trying t make it up by making the perfect gift or event and getting pissed when othrs don't play along the right way, and the controlling and manipulating while they were still cheerful, creative, and cuddly.

I have wondered for 6 months if it might not still be beter to take them and go - to give them space to heal at least a little before they are out on their own. It would disrupt their last years of high school, but I am not certian being in an "intact" household is better... .

Just a few thoughts from down the road frm where you are.