BPDFamily.com

I've only posted a couple times. New here. Just retained my L today to divoice my uBPDw.  I really like my L, so far. She seems assertive and proactive. I've read a ton of posts here, and they are a wealth of knowledge. Very helpful!

Anyways,my questions are:

1. Should I have my wife served, which is what my L thinks I should do? My T thinks that may be inflammatory and unnecessary . My L says I can also tell her of Divorce, then try to give her the papers. Or my L says she could email them to her. Either of those 2 options, i'd be waiting on her cooperation withinot 14 days.

2. I am unsure how to handle the temporary housing and parenting arrangement. I am not wealthy. We both work full time and make same salary. I am with the kids more, as I work 3 , 12 hour shifts/week as an RN. I have heard of couples undergoing D switching off staying in house. Keeping kids there all the time. We have D9, D7 and S5. I would love to get a cheap 3 bedroom apt  (temporarily) and have kids come stay with me. However, I can't afford that and paying 1/2 mortgage.
Any ideas? Is trying to switch off in same house with uBPDw crazy thinking on my part?

Thanks so much in advance

Document your time and what you do with the kids. Have a few months of it for court. I would probably try to find a way to stay in the house if you want majority time with the kids. It keeps things the most stable for the kids and the courts would prefer that.
My ex literally emptied our house after she tried to have me evicted and the courts did not agree.

Be careful about who moves where and when.  Courts like enforcing status quo for the kids.  Don't give any ground you would not be happy about losing forever.
I think when divorce to a disordered person is on the horizon, the more you do to prepare for the worst the better.  The most correct and complete way is to have your wife served formally.  There is never a great time to do a divorce.  Remember also that y our lawyer is your contractor.  You drive the case as far as goals, your lawyer will advise how to get there.

Ddad3,

My STBxw and I are in similar but not quite the same boat. We are pursuing collaborative divorce, but I likewise don't know if it will work with uBPDw. Big difference for us, I work full time, she doesn't work and is with kids more during week. We also don't have ton of resources for attorney fees or second household.

We are trying the nesting approach, i.e. keep kids at house until division of property can be accomplished. My conditions are that we have some type of documented, temporary custody schedule in place, and a financial agreement of how to pay for temporary second household until division of property can be accomplished. We just documented the temporary custody schedule for nesting, and I have arranged to stay with sister/brother in law for 2 months when I am not in the house. No financial plan yet for what to do after 2 months. STBxw is "just winging" where she will stay (i.e. planning to couch surf). So, you can see that there are all sorts of difficulties to this approach. Not saying it can't work, but I am doubtful. As much as I don't want to do it, I am considering having a joint rental room while we continue nesting until we can divide property under the divorce. Nesting looks a lot more daunting as the time doing it goes on.

I think it is a positive sign if your wife is willing to consider the kids' interests first. That is what I keep trying to stick with in communication with my wife, although, admittedly, I have slipped from that the last couple weeks. That is still the basis for the best boundaries for me. My love for my sons is foremost in my mind in this process.

Check your local laws as far as living together but separated.  Birdnesting is not advisable for many reasons.  One turn of the mood and she could change the locks and file a protection order against you - thus kicking you out and setting her as primary custodian - and she gets the house, the kids, and you get the bills.
Everyone is all nice and happy until the gig is up.  Beware.

Thank you all for your responses. Very helpful. I think I will just have my wife served, after all.  Also, I really don't think bird nesting will work with her. My L thinks it could be a recipe for disaster.

So then, if I am hearing you folks right. I shouldn't leave either though. Should I propose she leave? I am confused. My L needs my Parenting and Residential plans to put in the original divorce letter to my wife. Thanks!

Please advise on how it goes.  I am preparing to go through this soon.  Well, actually, I've been preparing [or avoiding] it for two years.  I don't know if you feel like this or not, but, I will feel very badly doing something that will hurt her feelings so bad.  I guess I can take hurting, but not dish it out - that's not fair.  My wife can dish out hurt, but not take it.  I think I'm stuck married because I don't want to hurt her feelings.  "Love" or its proxy, checked out long ago.

Get sound legal advice, and that will depend on where you live.  It may be necessary to live together but separate.  Where I live, that's the only plan for a dad to stay relevant in child custody.  If you leave, you tell the court that you're okay being out of the family.  That's not good.  Might as well propose your wife leave, since you have to offer something.  I might lean towards documenting your right to the marital home and joint custody until a parenting agreement at least is signed.  Leave her living arrangements up to her.  Putting myself in your shoes, is it just me, or do you feel like you're about to poke the bear?

Good luck, tread wisely.

Samwize- yes it is daunting. Divorcing my uBPDw is the hardest thing I've ever done. 'Poking the bear' is an understatement to say the least. However, me and my kids have lived in fear of her long enough.  Too long. We deserve better. For me, that is the light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing that a better future awaits us. Even though the immediate future will be a roller coaster ride. I will keep you posted.

If you want to stay a few moves ahead on the chessboard, you need to understand what your choices are and how you'll react to her choices.

You want her out of the house... .

1) You propose she move out, and she agrees. This is either amicably or with enticement on your part. Enticement is probably a big check or some other concessions.

2) You propose she move out, and she disagrees. Negotiation or conflict of some form commences.

3) You move her out when you serve her. Change the locks, give her keys to a hotel room and a check for half your savings, whatever it takes. She may take this or she may fight back.

4) You move out.

How things go with options 1-3 really depend on how high-conflict your wife is, what her goals are, what kind of legal advice she is getting, and how cunning she is in fighting back. Option 4 might be your fallback position if you think you won't get the upper hand in options 1-3.

Hi Ddad3,

Maybe it would help to jot down the pros and cons of telling her either way, how she will respond, how you will feel, what is most likely to happen next, etc. We can chime in based on how you think things will play out.

In general, a less inflammatory approach is best, although obviously with BPD, there is no such thing as a fun surf day at the beach with these things.

I agree with others about staying put if at all possible. There is something in my state call abandonment of marital home that can influence custody issues later on. Hang on to as much leverage as you can because that tends to be what moves these cases forward.

Can you tell us more about what she's like? How her BPD symptoms tend to present? Like flourdust mentioned, how high-conflict is she (is she dangerous? can she cooperate? has she asked for a divorce in the past?).

Okay. Now I think I am beginning to understand more. Get her to leave. Try nicely at first, then if she doesn't agree, entice with money etc. Anything I can do to get her out and stay myself with kids. Understood.

Also, I will tell her about D. Then see how she responds to determine how she is given divorce papers. She does have a clue about D. She found number of L searching my phone records. Been asking me if I want a D. Demanding we talk about it. I told her after the holidays we could talk.

Her symptoms are of a high functioning uBPD. No suicidality. No substance abuse. My T says wife "definitely has traits of BPD." Main reason I am leaving is her rage. My oh my that rage. Kids witness her raging at me, it has changed them. PTSD like symptoms for all 3. Wife also has severe abandonment/rejection issues. I can't go anywhere. Can't have a social life. We are supposed to be a sick, enmeshed family with no outside lives. She also turns on a dime. Wrong look at the dinner table= shunning or silent treatment for day or two. Basically, an explosive temper that even the cat fears.

She is intelligent. Does mostly well at work. Only talks to her mom. No friends. No other family in area. All her rage, blaming, criticizing is directed at me. I am the designated target. And kids watch. Although, I have gotten much better at validating. Leaving house during rage etc. Thanks to my own T. A dozen books on BPD. This message board.

Document interactions and incidents in journal.  This will be helpful in custody hearings.  Please make sure that  you DONOT make any psychological diagnosis like BPD or NPD etc. in the journal.  However, it is ok to say that "xyz yelled at our daughter for... .I found the child scared and thought that the yelling was an ineffective discipline method the child was shaking in fear and started to cry uncontrollably... .so I picked up our daughter and took her to another room to calm her down... .this make wife angry at me too and she picked up the dishes and threw them on the floor.  Then she went to my closet and cut my shirts up with scissors... ."

Document approximate times and dates.

Description with as little criticism as possible... .

Be safe, use a journaling method that only you have access to.

Also, make copies of all important documents... .birth certificates, banking information, keep passports in a safe place. Make sure that the school has appropriate signatures to allow you pick up access.

Take half of the money out of the joint accounts... .keep very detailed records... .change beneficiaries of your life insurance, IRA's etc. right away.

Above all, please read each and every post of 'Foreverdad".  I recommend this because of the way he handled his divorce.  He thought of it as a military mission, with well thought out strategies he developed with the help of feed back from the board.  So each step in his strategy had input from the board this gave him step by step intuitive direction that he implemented after consulting with his legal team.  This was like playing chess... .he had developed sufficient emotional detachment from the process whereby he could implement the strategy and achieve the desired goal in a manner whereby he did not let his own emotions become an impediment.  He worked with total commitment towards welfare for the children... .this clarity that he would do what was best for the children allowed him to keep the higher purpose in mind.  It permitted him to be strong where needed, even when his heart was hurting.

I believe that his experiences will help you give yourself the permission to think of the divorce as following a higher calling to benefit the children. It will help mitigate guilt and a personal sense of failure.

I agree, have a plan in place and make the preparations you can before notification of divorce to your wife like pallavirajsinghani mentioned.  Also, if no one has suggested it yet read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger & Bill Eddy my SO found it very helpful when he went through is divorce from his uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).

Panda39

Do you think she will leave if you try nicely? Has that approached worked?

You don't have to be mean. You may have to be assertive. Prepare for your own emotions in response to her, if being assertive is something new for you. She may sense a shift in you and break down and cry, for example. Or, she may clear out your bank account and change the locks.

It's important to think this stuff through carefully because both of you will likely become emotional, and having a plan means you'll be able to access your cooler head when that seems tough to do.

In general, being 2 or 3 steps ahead is helpful. You know her best -- how is she likely to respond?

Also, don't forget to think about how you'll tell the kids and when. Most people who divorce tell their kids something along the lines of, It's going to be ok, mom and dad both love you. That doesn't really cut it   

Kids tend to want more concrete details, like, "will I have two toothbrushes? Do I have to take my underwear to school? Where will my toys be?" You may want to have a session with a child psychologist and ask about how to do this, and explain that you have a high-conflict wife with possible BPD. And, if you tell the kids separate from your wife (something to think about), then don't tell the kids how mom feels about them. They probably aren't sure if she loves them and to be honest, that is something they have to work out their entire lives. No point in trying to soothe them or confuse them about something so complicated and difficult.

I told my son it was my job to keep him safe, and I didn't think I could do that if we stayed in the house with dad any longer. His response to me, at age 9, was, "I know." I told the school what was happening, and then introduced my son to the family specialist (social worker) at school, and she explained that he might get frustrated or sad or angry, and that if at any time he wanted to just come and sit quietly, he could walk out of class and visit her, and just read if that's all he wanted to do. I also told the teacher and the principal.

If you can, try to get your kids in to see a therapist before divorce. It's much harder to get things like that going after divorce and lawyers and all that. Better to establish a status quo arrangement. You can pitch it to your ex as, "Kids are not doing xyz, and I think it might help to get a child psychologist involved to try and reach them."

You may decide to let things go a little longer while you position yourself. It's hard to wait one more day when you've made the psychological decision to leave. If you can manage it, try to plan this out as carefully as possible. Things won't go quite according to plan, but having one in place will mentally prepare you for any and all contingencies, and that's how to keep things as steady as possible for your kids, and for your wife -- as you know, she is her own worst enemy and isn't likely to act in her best interests, much less the kids.

Here, here!
Take time if at all possible.  I decided and undecided many times while preparing for divorce.  Interviewing a few lawyers, starting a separate and undisclosed bank account, reading up an as much as I could get, finding divorce support groups, sneaking out sentimental items for safe storage, prepping the kids by teaching and modeling emotional intelligence (but not saying anything about divorce), learning about tax and bank necessities. 
It also gives you time to psychologically adjust without the firestorm being upon you. 

livednlearned and Sam are both right. My intent by posting options 1-4 was not to present them as a four-step plan you should follow. You know your wife better than anyone here. You know how she handles conflict. You can look at those options and figure out how she would respond to them, and how you could respond to her response, and so on.

I also agree that you need to give some serious thought to what will happen with the kids during the short term and how to let them know and provide them support. And consulting with a lawyer before taking any concrete steps is an excellent idea. You need a plan that is legal and won't lead to unexpected repercussions.

A legal strategy. Interview all the good attorneys. You only need to pick one but by talking to the others they become excluded from uBPDw's choices since they become a conflict and therefore can not represent her.

Also true. My wife ended up hiring one of the most high-conflict attorneys in town. I had intended to interview an associate at her firm, but we had a scheduling conflict and I never rescheduled the appointment. That was an expensive mistake on my part.

Thanks all for your help. Think I will pump the brakes a little on informing wife of D. I did retain an attorney. She wants to know how to proceed with service and my recommendation on temporary arrangement. She can wait.
 I do need to get my ducks more lined up. Even though wife will do who knows what to my ducks.

I have been Journaling her behaviors, but only for aboUT 6 months. I have tried to get our youngest into T before. Wife freaked.  Took it to somehow mean she's broken if she has a kid in T? I could try again. I really want all 3 in T. I had originally thought her and I would sit with kids to announce D. UGH!

Love the story about talking to your S9! I can relate. I have said to my kids "daddy had to pull the car over because it was not safe with your mom yelling while driving." They say"yeah we know dad!" Love them kids. Anyways, never thought of talking alone. Ironically, just the other she sneered at me "you better not be talking to them about D without me!".

Lastly, no she will probably not leave just because I ask nice.  $ is a big  motivator for her. She is extremely controlling regarding finances. I set up my own bank account. Took out loan on my 401k secretly. I feel like I am leaving a cult! Seriously. One piece of leverage for her leaving temporarily is our childcare.  I work 3 days. Her 5. Plus my mom does before and after care days I work. She depends on me and my mom.

After you talk to your wife about the divorce/or serve papers you might want to try requesting therapy again using the divorce as an excuse to get them in.  She might go for that if she feels like the blame is on the divorce and not on her. If she blocks therapy then take it to court it's unlikely the court will deny your request because you are trying to do what is best for your kids. 

Panda39

If you can't get the kids into therapy before you file, it could be something you put into the temporary agreement that usually gets worked out soon after you file (which, btw, is not temporary... .temporary is another word for permanent in family law court  .

Lawyers  and judges love therapy for kids! A parent saying no to it looks really bad.

If you do decide to include it, maybe put in some language along the lines of, "Plaintiff (dad) will select 3 child psychologists. Defendant (mom) can select which one by date/date. If no therapist has been selected by date/day, then dad will make arrangements." Then some stuff about who will pay. Mom is obviously not going to comply so it's best to get things in writing that a lawyer will advise her to agree with, and then think about all the ways she might stonewall and try to plan for that. You want the order to spell out consequences for non-compliance as much as possible, in neutral terms of course   You are probably going to comply with everything because you're you. She will struggle to comply with things she agreed to do because it means letting go of control, even if it hurts her, and even if it hurts the kids.

Another thing you could do is suggest x number of months in therapy for the kids. Make mom feel like there is an end to it. And then, let the psychologists indicate that it is their recommendation that the kids continue. This puts the ball back in mom's court to stop it, instead of you trying to get things done without her consent.

Obviously, do careful research about the therapists you recommend. Ideally, people who are familiar with BPD, or parental alienation, who have a good reputation (and are ethical), and are willing to do therapy for the kids instead of collect evidence to testify in court.

Sorry to go on and on about this! I had a little run in on this very topic... .there are some court-ordered child psychologists who are forensic psychologists. Meaning, kaching. They can be subpoenaed to testify in court, and have a lot of power. If you want your kids to get therapy and not have their T get dragged into court, look for a therapist who asks you to sign a waiver that they will not be called to testify in court.

You can find other ways to get a third-party professional involved, saving the child therapist for the thing your kids probably need more than anything else: a neutral trained person who can help them deal with their feelings.

Keep documenting. Six months is about as far back as the courts like to go. However, if you have a year and a half it wouldn't hurt. The back stuff is just more logs on the fire.

Our son has been seperated from his uBPDw  for 3.5 years, trying to divorce her for 1.5 years.  He is also a nurse.  Document everything and be proactive.  His W moved out of their home, he had the kids 70% of the time. She had many BF's. Everything was cool, she had some serious relationships and would push for divorce but our son wanted to legally adopt his SD. So that carrot was dangled by his wife until SHE wanted the divorce. Problem was once she moved in with a future spouse they would catch on fairly quickly that she was crazy. Once that relationship was done she didnt want a divorce... .that is until her Mr Wonderful came into the picture. Problem is he lives out of state. Once our son realized he would probably never get to legally adopt his SD he filed for divorce and had her served. All you have to do is google "how to win custody of your kids". It says that custody will be 50/50 UNLESS the other parent/spouse is abusive to you or your kids, physically or sexually.  Guess what?  His w started to call CPS with false allegations, mental anguish, physical abuse, the most recent is sexual abuse of their 6 yo S. The first 2 years they were seperated, there wasn't one complaint.  Once HE decided to divorce her and would not agree to move out of state with her the false allegations started.  Since our son is a nurse, he can lose his nursing license.  DHS is involved now and that is EXACTLY what they are trying to do.  Bottom line, be prepared for anything and everything.  Document, Document, Document. Have witnesses, be prepared, you never know what they are going to do.  You don't want to lose your kids and career.  I always hear "why would she want to do that, she won't get very much child support if he doesn't have a job". My reply is always the same "you can't second guess crazy". Obviously she doesn't care if he is destroyed or not, it's all about her and it always has been, but I'm sure you have experienced that as well.  Good luck.

Perhaps part of your divorce filing can include a request for children to have counseling.  My lawyer told me court loves counseling, so I'm fairly sure your court will agree as well.  Anticipate that when stbEx realizes you're not leaving the counseling idea up to her but instead getting it through the court then she will try to sabotage it by assuming control of counseling.

Think ahead how you can stay ahead of her self-interests.  One way is to let you both have some Decision Making in the process, but in a smart way.  First, find out if the court has a recommended list.  Use that list or other recommendations to determine a short list of very respected, experienced and perceptive counselors.  Provide that short list to both the court and her and say that you are willing for her to choose from among that short list.  Her lawyer and court will think that is very fair.  The end result is she gets to pick a counselor but only from among a list of good counselors, not ones at risk to become her enablers or negative advocates.

By the way, if you do end up requiring a Custody Evaluation then you can use the same technique choosing a Custody Evaluator.  It is crucial that any CE used be experienced, perceptive and with a solid reputation for quality evaluations.

In all of this craziness, because that's what it is with borderlines, remember who you're dealing with.  All of us have ALWAYS got to maintain perspective on the kind of person we are up against.  I say that because they'll throw us down and kick us while we are down, then project/blame us for it!  Never ever lose sight of the enemy!  As soon as you file for divorce you have entered enemy territory.  And when they're pissed off, hurt, and angry, feel abandoned, fear abandonment REAL OR NOT, they become Hyde.  The person I'm divorcing is someone you would see in his work and thank him for what he does for our nation and go on about how great his accomplishments are and all that he has done (I kid you not!)... .the very same person launches attacks against me through his lawyer several times using the dumbest, ugliest, stupidest stuff that would break our kids hearts if they ever saw these public documents, all because Jekyll and Hyde live inside.  It's a freakin' yo yo even during the divorce process.

Arm yourself for what is to come.  Get the book Splitting.  Staying in the same house is BAD.  Protect yourself and your children.  There is nothing border-lions will stop at when they're on fire.  Even people who make oaths to protect this nation will lie under other circumstances because that's what BPDs do when hurt.  It's this "I'm going down, you are too" mentality.  It far more complex than that, but that's the perspective of a sane mind.

UPDATE: Just wanted to post the latest for you great folks. Foreverdad: I am going to ask for counseling for kids in initial divorce filing. I will use methods you and others suggested, to have her choose from short list of counselors I pick.

Anyways, I told uBPDw of divorce. She would not take papers from me. I will have her served this week. I told her in a public place. Very glad I did that. She held it together at first, then unravelled getting in the car. Name calling, attacking me, starting to rage. I set a limit with her, and she was ok for short ride home. We had  sitter for kids. I tried to set up an overnight sitter. My uBPDmother  (the sitter) cancelled at last minute. Arggghh ! I really think that was a blessing in disguise though. I have been distancing myself from uBPD mother last 6 months as well.

So, uBPDw knew a LOT about my plans for divorce. I already knew she was looking up phone records. She searched my wallet and found a debit card from a side bank account. She read my journal back in December! Before I started keeping it at work. I am so glad she didn't just throw it away! Her only real comment on the journal was "I can't believe you think I'm controlling!". Haha.

Most importantly, since she wouldn't read my divorce papers, she hasn't left. My L said just leave it alone. She will have her served with a parenting plan and living arrangement this week. For few days we are all in the house together. Nightmare.We are probably going to have to Nest for few weeks until we sell our house. I do not like staying staying with her. She is super dysregulated. She scares me ( and the kids).

Regarding kids. One thing I hate about this whole process of divorcing a high conflict person is she takes all my attention and it's easy to forget the kids! They are the main reason I am doing this in the first place. She screams ME, ME, ME! And its hard to stay focused on the 3 kids. Wife says we should talk to them in "awhile" together. Well, I sort of agree. However, she's been upstairs crying for 2 days. And we aren't in the same bed (which is obviously good). They aren't stupid kids. They are asking what's up. Secondly, I am going to role play talking to kids about divorce. I am reading and taking notes. This is a very important conversation in my and the kids life. And my copilot is going to be a hostile, mentally ill person? That does not make sense. I am considering talking to them alone. Even though she has threatened me not to.

Lot going on. I have lots of support. My T, friends, coworkers , some family. You folks here uniquely qualified to understand though! Any suggestions are.appreciated. Thanks!

I think you will end up speaking with the children separately at some point.  There is a risk speaking together with the children could deteriorate into an emotional blamefest.  Maybe have some written ground rules?  I think one theme is that details are in flux, still being worked out and everyone should remain calm.   Is there a trusted authority figure, a counselor who can be nearby and step in if it goes south?

I think others will comment that they had separate and age appropriate discussions with the kids.  Overviews, how they'll be impacted, etc.  Kids might ask simple surprising questions, will I still go to the same school, who will fix breakfast or lunches, things like that.  Whether it was before or after a joint announcement, I'm not sure.

Remember, the weeks just before separation are high risk for allegations.  We're all afraid of looking bad, even more so for pwBPD.  Her making allegations is one way to try to make you look worse than her.  Unfortunately, when allegations are made, the professionals usually give to women more "benefit of the doubt" than to men.  Have your lawyer's emergency number in case the police come and want to cart you off to defuse a domestic dispute incident.  Be aware.  Beware.

Have a recording device with you at all times. Turn it on the moment something happens to protect yourself. It may not be allowed in court, depending on the state, but it can help you from getting arrested and charged.

It might be worth talking to a child psychologist about the best way to tell the kids.

He or she might suggest you talk to the kids separately.

Or, tell you that under the circumstances (with a BPD coparent) it might be ok to tell the kids without mom being there.

I wish I had given my son a chance to ask some questions and say how he felt about leaving. I wish I had known to validate his feelings and really be there for him

The talk is important, but what happens afterwards is most important. Like LNL has said before, cover the specifics of how their needs will be provided for (clothes, toys, toothbrush, etc.). Validate feelings that come up, but your ability to do that as the separation proceeds is what matters more.

I did talk to the boys with my wife, but in your case, particularly if you are planning to move out, I would just talk to them on your own. My S11 was generally quiet, uncertain and wanting to make whatever it was right. My S5 was hyper and wouldn't let anyone speak. In the end, all I could do was accept both responses and know that there would be more time to make sense of this for them as things go forward.

Also, be aware that the nesting will not work if your wife is not in agreement to leave the house, and sounds like there is a better than even chance that she will not agree. So, start working out how you will cross that bridge soon. My wife has not done the work to find a place to stay during nesting, so we are both under the same roof. I am now pushing to find a place for us both to stay so that we can get into a healthier dynamic for the kids.

Dave- I have a recording app on my phone. I tested it, seems pretty good quality. Ready to use  if needed. I am not in a 2-party consent state. I know it could still mean nothing to the court. But at least I have it.

Foreverdad- Sage advice on walking that fine line. I am sure I will end up talking to kids multiple times, as a group and individually. I am very close with all of them. I like the idea of a written outline, a script for her and I to follow  Luckily, W is actually better last night and today. She fumed bad for 2 days. I know today's mood won't last.  But if she is not dysregulated, we could potentially talk together. Then, she would feel she "won". I will still talk to kids myself later anyways.

LnL- My own T said don't even try to talk to kids together if W is acting like Hulk-Smash (my words, not T).  Think I will call a Child Psychologist this week. Can't hurt

Takingandending- I can relate to your dilemma. My uBPDw first brought up Nesting idea. However, the only place she offered where she could stay is at my parents house! What?

As you wrote, talking to the kids once is not nearly enough.  They will surely have a variety of questions and worries at different times.  Another thought, they may not even have the words or know how to express their worries.  Feel their feelings out and help them identify what they want to know or what assurances they want.

The #1 concern for you is that you always reassure them they are not at fault in this.  They will naturally assume, possibly unspoken, that they could have done something to avoid this and of course it's not about them, it's an adult issue and about the adults.  Let them hear they are loved, they don't have to take sides and they should not be interrogated or turned into unwilling informers.