BPDFamily.com

I do not remember a time when my older sister was what one would call "normal". Angry outbursts, false accusations, and manipulation have run rampant for years. She has been diagnosed with BPD and is receptive to treatment, but it seems as though she lies to her providers and even tries to come home and proudly declare that everyone in my family each has BPD. She has been trying DBT for over a year, but the progress is slow and filled with frequent setbacks.

As heartbreaking as it is, I have accepted long ago (after her first suicide attempt) that my sister's disease may very well end up being fatal. However, her talk of suicide has also been used as a tactic for manipulation and attention seeking. In the last year she has seemed to be using suicide frequently as a threat against my family. "If you don't let me move back in with you I will kill myself". "If you don't stay home with me I will kill myself". "If you make me ride the bus I will kill myself". "If you make me get a job, I will kill myself". It is exhausting.

After her latest string of suicide threats, she moved back in with my parent and I. Having her back in the house after a year of her living with my other parent across the country has been a hard transition. Her angry outbursts, love you one second then hate you the next mood swings, and illogical rants have created a great deal of tension within the house. I don't want to live under the threat of her short fuse. I don't want to have to hide my accomplishments for fear of her outbursts (or subsequent suicide threats). I don't want to have to deal with an adult in her late 20's acting like a child after using so much vulgarity not 10 minutes prior.

If anyone else treated me the way my sister does, I would remove them from my life completely, but I know that so long as my sister and I are alive, I will have an obligation to her. Even if I try to set boundaries, if in the future I am faced with either giving her money for rent or having her live in a homeless shelter, I know that I will make sure she has a place to stay. So, I need to learn how to cope with her actions. 

What I really would like to get from this online community is some strategies for coping with my sister's behavior. Here is what I have tried recently:
1) I know that a common tool of reducing outbursts while maintaining boundaries is to acknowledge the person's perspective and how it must feel, but it is very difficult for me to do that validation when there is so much hate the person's perspective is so filled with hate and so negatively impacting my family.
2) I try to remind myself that she is sick, but when her actions real world consequences... .(my parents going into debt, her going to our places of work and telling old supervisors lies about us impacting future references, her flooding the laundry room or breaking appliances, her not feeding the pets when asked to do so on her list of chores, her not refilling prescriptions until the very last minute)... .it can be very hard to excuse her behavior.
3) I try talking to friends about how she makes me feel, but without breaching her privacy, I can't divulge her diagnosis, and even if I did I don't think they would really understand. Thus, I end up feeling somewhat misunderstood--even when my friends have the best of intentions and want to help.

Does anyone have strategies they have used with their loved ones which they find effective? Or perhaps a perspective or mantra they use to help ease some of the internal struggle they have as a result of the actions of their loved ones?

Thank you for your time and any advice

Welcome Stepatatime:  *Hi!*

It sounds like a tough situation with your sister. I can see how it is exhausting for you.

Validation can be tiresome for the nons.  Sometimes just NOT invalidating by word or expression can be the best option. The link below might offer you some ideas for various levels of validation.

LEVELS OF VALIDATION
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html

Accepting her behavior sounds like a challenge that can be hard to accept.  Some people are able to process situations by using radical acceptance.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all

For coping skills, have you tried breathing exercises or mindfulness exercises? You might find something that interests you from the options below:

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html


Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf