BPDFamily.com

Hi, My wife has BPD and have been married for 10+ years, second marriage, have kids with first. yes, I have recognized and know her illness and its been tough and for some reason and wont go into details why I stayed. We moved over close to my family recently and now they see the issues and have asked me what is going on. This has been something I have always had to deal with alone and now my family is hurt and getting the same hurtful things I have had to live with. I have to deal with it alone and put my blinders on... .but now need to deal with it. please help me know how to set boundaries and improve life for all of us.

ThisTime:

I'm sorry about your situation. I, too, found out why my wife wished for me to "never share personal things" about our relationship with anyone. Once I opened up to a few select people about what my life with her was really like, and I let her know this, all hell broke loose. My family then felt her wrath. It's tough. I found myself isolated from family and friends for a long time, then had to go through a very tough time dealing with the aftermath of her secret being let out.

I think settings boundaries is the single most important thing to do when kids vote ng with someone with BPD. Setting s boundary is not about changing the other persons behavior. It isn't giving them ultimatums on if you don't change then I'll leave. A boundary is determining what behavior you will or will not allow yourself to be exposed to.

Example:
Not a boundary: stop yelling at me or I'm leaving
Boundary: I don't like to be yelled at. If yelling continues I'm going to take a break.

See the difference. One is about controlling/limiting the other persons behavior. The other is about limiting yourself.

Thank you for your support and sharing. My main thing is how to set boundaries when we are out with family or others, or how to tell family members how to deal and set them as well.

If they want to have a tantrum or some kind of dysfunctional behaviour that could be harmful. You cant stop them directly. You can only refuse to be expected to excuse it/cover it up/remain in that environment or bring them along next time. ie dont run interference to any consequences let her wear them.

Most likely the result is others wont want to be around her, and you cant guilt them into being "understanding" and put up with it.

The need for better “boundaries” is advice often given when someone complains about how another person has been treating them.

“Help, my wife isn’t treating me well. Now she is giving me the silent treatment.”

“Well, friend, you need to set some boundaries”.

“You’re right, I have bad boundaries.”

From this discussion one might believe that if we are angry and say "no more" or even walk out that our wife (or other loved one) will change their ways and all will be well. That's not what this is about.

The concept of "Setting Boundaries" is often misunderstood. The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked. More information (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)... .

Can you give us an example of the problem to work through with you?