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My exBPDgf discarded me on christmas eve after she couldn't endure my post op recovery where I had to rest and wasn't able to care for her like I usually did. I told my story on other posts, but it took me until today to have the courage to admit I should be on the detach threat and not on the improving or saving boards.

Last week out of desperation I left my therapy session, bought some flowers and went surprise her immediately after, she seemed reluctant but was happy with my gesture, we kissed, hugged, talked, she said she couldn't see me that day and said we could see each other next day. When the next day came, she started to ghost me and when I asked if we would see each other she would say "I'm not sure", "I don't know yet" to finally "I'm confused, I need to think". She kept ghosting me the entire week, then later on Friday, she left either to go partying or to see someone else and only came back on 5-6AM and ignored me message, I didn't try to reach her since.

On the weekend right after that, I met someone and started falling for her, but at the same time, when I'm not with this girl, my ex still haunts me. I started having nightmares, I'm already not sleeping since we split, I can't fall a sleep before 5-6 AM and now I'm started to fear sleep because of how bad the nightmares are.

I wasn't thinking much about my exBPDgf after meeting this girl until later this week when I was alone and concerned about my birthday, the other worry I have is that this girl I'm falling for is Bipolar and I'm scared this just me missing the caretaker role.

I'm scared about my birthday, I think she will reach me, knowing her she will coldly poke me sending a happy birthday like I was just a friend she had in school or something, or she doesn't say anything, which maybe is best but at the same time assures me it's over for good. Our 2 year anniversary is also this month, this will be hard.

It sounds to me like you're in a really troublesome place at the moment. Having surgery and not receiving support from a loved one can be difficult. But then being totally abandoned by them while you're at your weakest is absolutely horrible. You have to ask yourself: is this someone who deserves surprise flowers? I understand your motivations, you want to try to show your BPDex that you can take care of her again. But what is that going to accomplish? You're just proving to her that you have zero boundaries and that she'll be able to abandon you whenever she wants and you'll just give her flowers.

Getting involved with the bi-polar person that quickly is also complicating your situation. To me, it seems like a band-aid to temporarily cover up the pain of losing your ex. I think you need to take a step back from this situation and ask yourself why you're with this bi-polar person and if it's both: healthy for you and fair for them. Getting into a new relationship this quickly is not healthy, PDs or not. Getting involved in a triangle of PDs is really not healthy for anyone involved.

I'm glad you're going to therapy. That is great. But if your first thought after therapy is to buy flowers for someone who abandoned you in your time of need perhaps this particular therapist isn't a good fit? In my opinion, the best course of action for your own long-term health (and I understand you probably won't do this because it is extremely difficult) would be to detach yourself from both of these relationships. Go No Contact with both of these people for at least two months. And focus on yourself. Ask yourself why you're letting yourself be treated this way. Ask yourself why you need to be a caretaker. Ask yourself if having these people in your life is improving it.

This is going to be so incredibly difficult. But trust me when I say, your future self will thank you for starting the healing process NOW. Don't string yourself along for a year. Because trust me when I say, your day of reckoning will come. It can be today or it can be next month or it can be next year. But it WILL come. You will have to cut these people off and face your demons at some point. How much suffering do you want to put yourself through before the real work begins?

I hear your fears about how you will feel about your exBPDgf on your birthday. I know what you mean about how you feel crappy whether she's reaching out or ignoring you. Sucks. All I can say is that those feelings will fade a bit over time.

This new girl sounds like a bad idea to pursue just now. Here's my take on the potential for a r/s with her today. Yeah, I'm harsh, but here it is:

You are a piece of work today, still crying over your ex and hoping to get back together, no matter how bad an idea it is. I mean, even if you were dating somebody new, and your ex approached you being seductive and nice, you would probably jump right into her arms. Yeah, it wouldn't last, and yeah, you would regret it the morning after or next week at best, but you might do it.

The way you are today isn't good relationship material. A woman who had similar feelings about her ex would be a horrible person to date, and I think you know better than that.

So any woman who would date you today, either is too oblivious to notice, or is crazy enough that she thinks dating you as you are today is a good idea.

Trust me on this one--a r/s with either type of woman is gonna crash and burn!

So my conclusion--don't date this new girl, stop pursuing her, at least for a while. If needed, tell her that you are in no condition for a relationship today. Yes, it is completely true!

Instead, do you have friends (without a romantic interest) you can spend time with? Being lonely and wanting connection is very real and legit for you today.

I'm not in bad shape when I'm with the new girl, I'm much better in fact, I don't know where I would be if hadn't met her, my life was in a stand still, whether I should pursue or not, I'm not sure, but what I'm sure is that it was not a mistake. I was able to get my life going again, I didn't leave the house for weeks before meeting her, I was really down.

I don't deny that going back is a possibility, but I'm doing the best not to, I'm sure that I don't want to go back, she's not the person for me, I know I want and I struggle with it, but I'v made a decision not to chase after her or to go through what I was going.

I know I'm not at my best right now, but I'm still doing good as far as the new girl goes. I don't function outside a relationship, maybe if I took some drugs, my therapist said it may help, but I'v never been ok by myself. I need a romantic relationship to function properly and I really like this girl, I don't see a reason yet to jump off ship, I don't want to take measures unless I have to, I don't want to act on fear, if you know what I mean.

I don't know, I'm sorry but it's hard for me to hear these things, I'm addicted to this feeling and when I'm not in a relationship with someone, I feel completely empty and dead and I have been alone for years before and time doesn't change it, it only makes it worse. I'v always had depression and I don't like being alone :/. Friends don't fill that hole as well, when I go back to bed at night after seeing them, it gets even worse. It's not like anyone can fill that role too, I haven't felt this electricity about someone in a very long time, since my ex or even stronger.

My exBPDgf and I split up 3 times in total and I must have been with 30-40 girls during those splits and this was the first time I felt something so strong :/. Why do I fall only for damaged people?

I dunno, but I'd suggest that this might have something to do with it.


I'd expect that you come off as desperate, needy and lost when you aren't in a relationship... .and if the other person isn't damaged a natural reaction to that is wanting to run the other direction, rather than get involved with you.

I understand that there is a LOT of hard work to get you to a point where you are happy, or at least content outside a relationship, so I don't want to discourage you... .but I think you are unlikely to attract a healthy person until you do.

I'v been choosing the damaged ones not for lack of choice, I don't have much of a problem in that department, I'v actually felt really bad because I'v broken a lot of hearts while I was in this drama with my exBPDgf and most were great healthy girls, they just didn't give me that jolt of electricity, sex appeal or whatever you want to call it.

What I mean is that I don't get rejected a lot, there are a lot of nice girls wanting to be with me, the thing is that I don't usually get attracted to the enough to want a relationship. I was talking to 5-10 girls before I fell for this one and it was just in a couple weeks, I choose her over the others because of what I felt for her.

Specially since my exBPDgf, I'm getting more and more demanding about physical appearances and having that thing where you just love everything about the person, the looks, the smell, the attitude, when you are hooked, that is what I look for.

Before I met my exBPDgf I had been with very few women, maybe 4-5, I was very demanding but I wouldn't initiate even a conversation if I didn't look at the person and could feel something and believe that I would be up for being with that person for my whole life. After I met my exBPDgf I began a frantic search where I would try other type of women even though I didn't feel that initially and gave it a chance to happen later on, but after so many women it always comes down to sex appeal.

I like to classify myself as "a bit OCPD", despite of me being diagnosed with Unipolar Depression by my therapist, I believe I have several traits of OCPD, I'm a very methodical and controlled person, I may be saying I'm like this and even acting clingy sometimes, but I can control it a lot and I won't show it unless I know the reaction won't be negative, if it is I tone it down, restrain myself, that's why I haven't had complaints about this ever, which is surprising even to me. I have a specific routine, I eat almost the same everyday, people at restaurants know me by name and ask if I want the usual.