BPDFamily.com

First the good news. I like thinking good things. I like to feel optimistic even when that may not be warranted. I like being positive.

On the flip side... My ex painted me the blackest of black. I haven't heard from him for around two years now. Can't believe it has been that long. When I would hear something through the grapevine it always hurt me really bad that he still saw me in such a bad light. And I got angry since it hurt for him to treat me that way. But since I am doing way better now, it doesn't bother me as much. But it still surprises me when I hear him ranting about me. This last time was almost a month ago. I just found out about it. He is still saying the same things he said two years ago. He exposed me for who I really was and I am a fake and a terrible person.
It hurt first reading it. But the hurt went away fast and was replaced by pure curiousity.
Why does he still feel so passionately about this? I don't even talk about it even though he has put me through hell. Will he ever just let it go? Does he need to feel this at all times to deal with it?
I am way too optimistic because everytime I think, maybe he is doing better now and sees the errors in his ways. But it is just never the case. I hate the dissapointment that comes with my optimism about him.

Can anyone shed some light on this. And maybe their own experiences.
Thank you so much. This is my safe zone so it is great to vent here.

Hi WishIKnew82,

Your ex doesn't process loss and grief like you or I. You're a glass half full type  :)

Do you hope that he gets the help that he needs?

Oh my god this is what they do! My ex has now dated two guys since breaking up. And every time she wants to let me know how awesome they are and how she's so much "better" with them. She always wants to paint me in a negative light. Literally out of nowhere bringing up a time I did something wrong.

My ex still takes jabs at me "I still had feelings for my ex while we dated" like who says they to someone you broke up with 3 years ago.

Honestly for the last couple of years I always try and kill her with kindness. Just being really sweet and kind no matter what. Most recently I texted her something nice about her chasing her dreams.
Her response "awww. Thank you! That's so kind! Who knew you could be so nice. Jkjk" they want to remember us as terrible people yet at the same time can't let us go.

wishknew82 - Me too. I think that is what he was attracted to in the beginning, and slowly destroyed in the relationship. But I'm back :)

Mine too says horrible things about me, and yes it bothers me at times, but I know the truth. And I think that is why they keep painting a terrible picture of us, they are guarding the truth. I know real personal things about him that he would not want anyone to know. I think mine has stopped as it did reach the point that I did share some of this with his sister, felt like I had to defend myself.

Do you about yours?

Its like they have a fear so deep that you might share this stuff with people, they have to destroy your credibility, so if you were to say anything, they can say, ya well i told you about her.
It sucks I know, but I think most people can read through the crap he says about me.
Think about it, if you had someone continually bad mouthing someone wouldnt you wonder what the other side was?

Absolutely. You should see what he put me through but I still wish he gets better and really sees that he has BPD or maybe even vulnerable kind of narcissism. Also a selfish component because I want him to see how strong I was for him all those years. I also feel (I wrote him a letter about it but he probably has not read it) that his therapist is enabling him. She is kind of a sensitive soul and from his stories about her, she always tries to backpeddle when she says something to him he doesn't agree with. So he gets mad at her. (just like he would get with me) and she will explain herself to him until he feels it is acceptable for him. Really strange dynamic and also very unhealthy. He will never get better with her. She wants to not get on his bad side and I've been there. It does not work.

Yep. That is where I am too. I am not even acting like it. I just am so over his problems that I can only be nice since he really lost in life. He really has. I hate saying it but as long as he doesn't get help he will continue to fall down and blame everybody else in the process. I haven't spoken to him but I feel really calm and think I will be polite and nice. Just like everybody else gets from me. He has no power over me anymore.

I wish you the best. Keep it up. It will give you much more peace than being pissed off at her.

Absolutely. He would talk crap about everybody and I would always question it because it felt ridiculous how mad he would get at people and I knew they couldn't be that bad since I knew how disproportionate his anger was to what actually happened.
I just hope other people see it too when he talks to them about me. I know a lot of people just agree with him to net get on his bad side but I hope they know in their hearts that he is wrong about me.

And your story could've been mine. I also know SOME REALLLYY personal stuff about him he has NEVER told anyone. And I won't tell anyone either. Will defend myself and share it if needed but not in details ofcourse. But I haven't talked to anyone on his side anyway so I will carry his secrets to the grave.
But you are so right. I know how sensitive he is about his feelings so he probably thinks alot about all he shared with me and feels extremely vulnerable. He can only translate that vulnerable feeling to hate. So he hates me even more when he thinks of all he shared with me. Well, can't do anything about that. I was sincere in our relationship. I still am so if he wants to paint me black, he can. I know who I am.
And just like you, it look me while but I am back to being me again. Not all the way. But I am so happy where I am right now that the small stuff about where I am in life does not bother me at all.
It hurts that he still thinks about me in that way. But he will figure it out eventually. And if he doesn't. There are a lot of people will appreciate people like you and me :-)

Loved your response btw. Thanks!