BPDFamily.com

He lives with me. He is not a boyfriend but acts like one. He won't commit to being a boyfriend. We know each other well, for 6 years.  He has a girlfriend in Europe. He is about to go there now for work and I expect not to see him again.

In the morning he was in a good mood and I respond to that with the same good mood and some affection-- a hug in the car or something of that nature. Then he says he is going to Europe and I realize why he is in a good mood. He says he would never abandon anyone who needs him so he will help me. (I am moving in a week.)  But he isn't really helping me at all. He owes me a week of rent, wants me to have meals with him, hasn't lifted a finger to pack a box.  You get the picture. It is all about him.

So, I am happy and respond to him because I feel close to him and want/need the affection. Then the reality hits me and I'm furious (not with him, but keep it to myself).

Is this normal when dealing with a uBPD? For my moods to be all over the place?

Soon enough it will be over... .one week until I move.

Thank you, lovely friends.

When you are breaking up, almost breaking up, thinking about breaking up, or in some ambiguous situation where one or both of you are pretending you aren't breaking up, YES, I think it is normal and healthy for your moods to be all over the place!

Or for your moods to be all over the place 10X more than they normally are, at least!

  Hang on, and take care of yourself.

Do you have anybody who can support you besides your ?not?boyfriend?

 

Being in an ambiguous place is very unsettling. I have been in that place where I was changing moods quicker than a shorted out traffic light. Living in a state of uncertainty is difficult. It is even more difficult when somebody is telling you one thing yet doing another. Ex and I had been married for 15+  years. I knew I was his wife yet things became uncertain because one day he would tell me that he loved me and wanted to work on our marriage and the next day he was chasing other women and treating me like dirt. That was very confusing. I found that I was in a really good mood in those moments when I was able to suspend disbelief. There would be brief moments when things felt normal and okay and I would relish them and be happy. Then, reality would come crashing down on me and I would get mad at myself for indulging in those happy moments of fantasy.

Hang in there!

Hi Anna,
  Yes, I'd say it is normal enough.  There is grief, loss, change and even subtle rejection going on.  You need reassurance, hugs... .
   You seem really lovely.  You deserve a real relationship with a healthy partner.  I am sure that will come. 

Thank you all. How kind you are. I appreciate it, and feel less nuts:)
Vortex of Confusion--that is exactly it. What you described is it. When I am suspending disbelief I feel good. But when reality hits, it's rough.

Then, like tonight, there is the odd in-between.  He is having a lot of feelings about moving--insecurity, etc. So, he wants to create a plan that involves us both. And I want to cut loose.  He wants us to get a month to month place while I continue to look for an apt.    But I feel like I need to resolve my housing situation myself.

I have to set a boundary with him and it feels very tough. Any suggestions?

The Situation:  The owner of my apt is coming back to live in it. In one week. I had an apt to move into, but it fell through. I have no where to go. I could stay with a friend.  Also, the landlord is a nice man and said he would stay with a friend for a few days. Landlord wants to help me move some of my stuff out of here (nice man). My not-really-a-boyfriend uBPD wants me to tell landlord I need another week here and that he (uBPD) has come to help me move.

I don't want uBPD here when landlord is in town. uBPD isn't supposed to be living with me. I guess I need to tell uBPD that outright. But I am afraid he will explode. He just isn't making plans to find himself a place to live.

Thanks for listening, friends.

I'll echo what the others say.  Yes... .this is 100% normal.  I would also encourage you to "listen" to your feelings.   

Can you take some time and do things each day to be extra kind to yourself?  Take a walk (perhaps indoors if weather outside is frightful... .as it is where I live... ), take time for that extra cup of coffee and a new book, etc etc.

My hope is that you can get in the habit doing something to care for yourself when you have an unpleasant feeling/experience.

That will help your feelings stabilize, which will help you make decisions about your living situation.

What is the best living situation for you?

FF

Thanks Formflier and sad but wiser.

I am at this minute, in my friend's house using her lovely office to get work done. And mostly to get to a neutral place with good energy. I feel so much better here. 

Today, I feel fairly good about myself--no interest in him but general good will for him. I feel good that I am caring for myself by taking care of the move to my new apartment.

This is rattling him though. He seems incapable of making a decision and taking practical steps to leave. Is this a BPD thing?

 |iiii   Yes... .very much a BPDish thing.

They are used to being rescued.  Please don't rescue him.  Believe in him... .encourage him.  Let him make his choices and you make yours.

FF