Title: Husband was BPD, I think my Daughter is too Post by: Cookie Monster on January 16, 2017, 03:22:28 AM Hi everyone,
I was married many yrs ago to someone I now know was pwBPD (didn't know @ the time, neither did he or family). We had a daughter who is now 40 yrs old and we have been estranged for 13 yrs. Unfortunately, my marriage to her father ended tragically with him committing suicide after 9 yrs of marriage. He was emotionally & physically abusive for most of the marriage, and I filed for divorce about 6 weeks before his death. My daughter was age 7 @ the time of his death & she told me at age 10 or 11 "If it wasn't for you, my father would still be alive". We have had a tumultuous relationship & I believe she still blames me, even though she was aware that he was abusive to me. At the time of his death, I was devastated & guilt-ridden, on ATDs, tranquilizers & sleeping pills. I still couldn't sleep so I began having a glass of wine @ bedtime, then 2 glasses, then 3, & within 3 yrs I was in detox & rehab (stayed 3 wks but then signed out). I stopped drinking & abusing prescription meds, had been seeing a psychologist for a few yrs. My daughter L was 10 y/o at the time. She was such a bright, happy little girl until age 10, when she began having behavior problems such as bullying & disrespecting the elderly school guard, smoking & having kids in the house before I arrived home from work (this was what the policeman who stopped by just as I arrived home, told me). I made her apologize to the school guard & she would come to my workplace to wait for me to get off work from then on. She became argumentative & disrespectful as time went on, then when entering her teens her behavior escalated: skipping school, lying,stealing, stole my car & went joyriding @ age 15 (revealing she had been doing this for a while, I just didn't know about it until then). She stole money from me, threatened to hit my mother, hit me, had emotional meltdowns, screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, held a knife to her wrists threatening to hurt herself,& a DUI @ age 17, there's more but you get the idea. She was also very manipulative w a chip on her shoulder. She was in counseling on & off throughout teens & college. As a teen she would refuse to do as I asked yelling "I don't have to do anything you say & you can't make me". A few occasions I told her to go to her room, she refused, & I grabbed her & dragged her into her room with her kicking & punching me. I realize that was probably not the best way to handle things & I was @ the end of my rope. I took her to the police station once, refused to take her home, & she spent the night in the detention home. (I hated to do that, called the DH several times to check on her). My SIL (worked in mental health) suggested I draw up a contract & have her sign it before she was allowed to come home. She refused, spent 2 weeks @ a women's shelter, then eventually signed & ret home. There was a continuous "power struggle" between us, to the point of feeling harassed by her. (she was same size as me). She was very intelligent & was in the gifted program but blew that. She took piano lessons, but it was impossible to get her to practice, & her Julliard schooled teacher called me one day saying, "she doesn't want to do this, stop wasting your money". She also took guitar lessons briefly & was kicked out of band. She took swimming lessons & played basketball, which she also quit. My family & friends would ask me if I thought she had the same thing her father had (mental, behavioral issues), & I would be very defensive & deny it. She went away to college (same state) @ age 17. That was a big mistake on my part, she flunked out the 1st or 2nd semester. She came home & took classes @ the community college for the rest of the year, asked me to give her another chance to go away to college which I agreed to, & she did well the next 4 yrs. Her behavior calmed down during college, & she would come home on the w/e or every other. She spent the last semester studying in another country & upon graduating became a language teacher. L didn't care for her job so went to NYC, getting a job in the financial sector. She met her now husband, was engaged for 3 mos before marrying. Since graduating from college our relationship was stable, now there was a lot of tension around her wedding prep. She had been out of college & on her own for 2 yrs. She asked me for $5,000 which I said ok, then before long she was saying, Mom you know this wedding is going to cost $20,000. I told her I couldn't give her that much, but I would try to help her as much as I could. She wasn't happy, reminding me that it's traditional for the bride's family to pay for the wedding. I was still paying off credit cards I used for her education, was only working part time as I had a severe episode of depression a year or 2 before. She was cool to me @ her wedding, distant, & impatient. I gave her & husb a substantial check as a wedding gift (home equity loan) so the situation was somewhat diffused. They moved across the country & invited me to visit around Christmas. We had mostly a good visit, but one evening after her H went to bed she started saying I need to sell my house (she was insistent), trying to get me to say I would sell it. I finally said, "I will think about what you said". That wouldn't do, she kept going & eventually I started crying (I don't cry easily), when she saw that I was crying, she stopped. I felt as though she was trying to intimidate or bully me. They visited me later in the year, & ended up storming out & standing on the curb to wait for a taxi. As soon as she walked in, she started nit-picking about the way I was drying the lettuce for sandwiches, the kind of onions I had, etc. I suggested SHE make the sandwiches herself,& left the room. She yelled something at me & I yelled back, telling her to stop telling me what to do. That was it-she woke her H up from his nap, claiming she was having a "panic attack" & insisted on leaving. Something so small escalated. We spoke on the phone & emailed then A few months later, I called her, asked what, if any plans she had for Christmas. She politely told me that because of my behavior when visiting them last year (she said I accused them of not treating me well). I never said a disparaging word to her H who wasn't even present during that incident, but she triangulated the incident so that I was the perpetrator, she was the victim, & H was the rescuer. I started feeling like I was going crazy. She started making "you never, you always" statements, bringing up something I supposedly said to her when she was 10 y/o. She was on her cell phone driving & I was having trouble hearing her so I raised the level of my voice, assuming she was also having trouble hearing . When she brought up the incident when she was 10, I said "you like to be a victim, don't you?" I know I should not have said that. She then started screaming @ me, "all I've ever wanted was a normal mother & you're just not it". I just hung up, I was so hurt. She called back immediately, I decided not to pick up the call & let it go to VM. She was still screaming profanities, told me she was raped, "but I'm not going to tell you who it was. I'm never going to have kids bc of you & you're never going to know the joy of grandchildren". She also accused me of child abuse (I lost my temper a few times & slapped her when she was a teenager). I know I shouldn't have, but I did. Her teens were so horrible, it reminded me of the last 8 yrs of marriage to her father. I haven't heard from her for 13 yrs. I would sometimes think of calling her, but I would play that message, & couldn't do it. I said to myself, I can't do this anymore, I've witnessed so many temper tantrums, I'm done. I've been on meds & in therapy due to bouts of depression since my H died 33 yrs ago, Huge amount of guilt (I left him bc he refused to go with me for counseling; his rages were getting worse & I was truly afraid of him). I told him I was going to leave if he wouldn't go, he said do what you have to do). I asked him more than once to go. I got an apartment & moved out while he was @ work. He went over the edge, started stalking me, tried to run me over, almost ran me off the road, He lost his job, made a suicide attempt, etc. I did not know he had BPD until a few yrs after his death. Recently, I emailed H's exwife to express my sadness @ the death of her dtr (H's dtr). We have become FB friends and she told me she was H's 2nd wife (I thought there was only 2 of us, so now I know I am wife #3. I'm going to look for another one since there is a space of 3 yrs between wives, he hated being alone. I looked @ some of her posts, noticed that she was FB friends w my dtr. They got into a discussion about our president-elect, & my dtr said some horrid things to her & some others (if you had bothered to look it up, referred to his supporters as a bunch of uneducated idiots. (she recently earned a master's degree). She was called out by several people including her FB friend for being condescending with an elitist attitude. L was throwing insults left & right, She unfriended the person she initially posted. Then the person told me she sent some very upsetting messages to her, so she had to block her (she is having major health problems, including grief over her dtr's death. I had a light bulb moment & realized she at least has some BPD traits, if not the disorder. She is very angry & as pointed out by her Dad's exW has "an air of superiority over us mere mortals". L cannot tolerate other's opinions if they differ from hers & berates/demeans them if they won't adopt hers. She has usually been condescending & disrespectful to me until she wanted something. (DR Jekyl, Mr Hyde). I know her father suffered a great deal, & I hope she doesn't as well. I've thought about sending her H some info on BPD anonymously, but I don't know. H's mothers side of family is strong for mental illness- his aunt committed suicide yrs ago @ age of 43, H was 36 when he died. I'd like to get some fb on my dissertation (sorry) including whether you think there is anything that can be done to get her some help. I love my dtr very much & my door will always be open to her. I have done some reading & I believe she has painted me black permanently, & I have become her scapegoat. She has ended many r/s with friends over some perceived slight, & is extremely jealous of other's acomplishments. She will have nothing to do with my family though they've done nothing to her at all, & have loved & supported her for many yrs. CM Title: Re: Husband was BPD, I think my Daughter is too Post by: DreamGirl on January 17, 2017, 03:47:27 PM Hi CM,
*welcome* I'm sorry to hear about your husband and how both you and your daughter have struggled ever since. Do you want to build a bridge with your daughter? Or are you leaving the ball in her court? ---DG Title: Re: Husband was BPD, I think my Daughter is too Post by: Cookie Monster on January 18, 2017, 12:46:19 AM Thank you, DG.
I would like to have a relationship with my daughter, but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. She is full of anger & rage. One of the FB people asked her why she is so angry. Her anger is mostly directed @ me, demonstrating utter hatred for me. I am a little confused b/c while in college she sent me many notes & greeting cards to the effect of "Thank you so much for all your support, I miss you Mom. I love you very much", & one card acknowledging her troublesome behavior as a teen. This puzzles me somewhat & I don't really understand how she goes from those sentiments to the rage she demonstrated last time I spoke to her. Granted, my communication skills need some work, but blaming me for her being raped? She said some terrible things about me on the internet (she blogged when she was in Europe), "My husband loves me even when I look like my mother", saying she doesn't remember anything from her 1st trip to ____(Europe), the one that cost me in excess of $10,000. I could understand being angry with me, b/c of the statement I made (I did not know she was raped) but to spew so much venom over a disagreement we had on the phone? Her reaction was disproportionate to what happened. She has since waged a smear campaign against me, alienating my H's twin sister from me (she just stopped answering my emails). BTW there was very little communication btwn them until she & I had our falling out, now they're best friends. I am angry with my SIL for enabling my dtr's behavior. If she was truly a loving aunt, wouldn't she be doing everything she could to bring my dtr & I back together? If I were in her shoes, I know I would. No one has seen my dtr in action, but her performance on FB should be raising a few flags. She is very intelligent, keen in the art of manipulation, using many if not all the defense mechanisms I've read about on this site. So I am beginning to accept that I will not be in her life, & I am comforted knowing she has a man who adores her & treats her like a princess. I have thought about contacting her to try to repair our r/s, but I know she would not take any responsibility for what happened or for helping to repair it--I would have to take total responsibility, Which I think would only enable her. I am the scapegoat & she is the perpetual victim. The only thing I can hope for is that she will continue to show her true self & eventually be persuaded to get some help. I am open to any ideas, CM . So sorry to keep rambling on. My daughter was traumatized by her father's suicide, I'm sure. She would come home crying when the other kids made gifts for their Dads on father's day, her teacher called several times to say she had been crying in school usually having something to do with her Dad. Both of his daughters (one from previous marriage) loved him so much & I am positive he loved his kids. My dtr once told me she was afraid that she would forget what her Dad looked like, so I made a photo album that she has coveted, taking it with her to college. I told her very little about H's death, withholding all the sordid details, figured she would ask questions as she got older but she never asked about it again. I had the feeling she wanted to guard her memories of him, keeping them pristine. She is currently pregnant with her 2nd child & I fear that history will be repeated. Her sister's Mom emailed me about what happened between the 2 of them on FB, telling me she thinks my daughter may have BPD. She had extensive counseling during her teen yrs b/c of her behavior, I called her counselor to tell her she didn't want to come anymore & she said "Mrs C__ whenever L__ is challenged she wants to quit". She went to @ least 4 different counselors . Thank you for responding, CM |