BPDFamily.com

Seems like it was a long weekend for some of us, yes?

I just don't know what to do.  For about 10 days, she did not contact me.  I was starting to feel ok, not great, not over all of this, just ok.  Then she texts and asks about the cell phone... .who pays that and so on.  Once again, I am in her grasp.  I check on her, make sure she is ok, all the while the anger is building up in me that my kids and I moved a month ago and she's not once asked how we were or even where we moved to (which she pushed for and kept pushing until I finally did).  Last night I shot off a bunch of texts telling her I'd never forgive her for this (for not aksing, for destroying our family once again, for the pain I am feeling) and to just go away but I know I only made this worse.  I feel that she is responsible for the demise, however, I am the one who just keeps this pain and suffering going.  The reasoning behind it is because I know I need closure, and that she doesn't.  I feel completely and utterly wrecked over all of this.  I have not known pain like this before.  I never want to know it again.  I just don't know how to detach over this and I'm desperate! The emotional pain has turned to physical pain and I just feel so stuck.  I isolated myself over the years so I don't have much in the way of friends (and those who are are sick to death of this).  I just want to be ok.

you will be, Tosquinha. it does get better. right now these wounds are very recent and very raw, and your pain is palpable 


i was in a similar way, and the isolation sure didnt help. lean on us here; we understand, and we are here for you. likewise, are you seeing a therapist? many members have found it to be an essential tool in their recovery.

Yes, I see a therapist.  I have a call out to her as this pain is unreal.  I feel horrible.  I feel bad about the things I said to her.  I don't want to hurt her.  I'm hurting in the worst way so I sure don't want to keep passing that on.  I feel like I've become a verbally abusive fool through out all of this.  I feel so much rage and anger and sadness over everything.  I'm 43 years old, and I am no closer to having any of this figured out than when it began.  The memories flood my head.  I mean they are constant.  I sit here and shake with panic attacks.  I feel obsessed and I feel like I'm the problem, now, not her, because I'm the one who can't let go.  I don't recognize myself.

i would advise you not to beat yourself up, and be gentle on yourself. youre hurting, youve acted on that hurt, youre human. i think most of us did things after and during the relationship we werent proud of. youve opted not to make things worse for yourself, you have reached out to us and a therapist, and these are great steps.

its natural, given the manner in which she left, that this would leave a profound wound. its natural too, that hearing from her, and sensing shes processing things differently would be incredibly triggering.

there are unfortunately no quick fixes, but youre taking the right steps.

it seems to me that some healthy distractions might be in order while some of the most recent flood of pain passes. do you like to read? go to the gym? play video games?

Hi Tosquinha, I remember those horribly painful early days and just wanted you to know that you’re not alone with all this. It hurts like mad, and there’s only one way through. When I was going through the worst of it heartandwhole and others here told me to feel the feelings, let them come out and work through each of them. I didn’t recognize myself either, but you will. It will take time, but you’ll get there. I promise