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So i've not her from my BPD partner in nearly 6 weeks now and i can only presume she doesn't want to see me again. So i thought tonight instead of sitting around i got proactive wrote a brief letter out to her which i will post below just explaining where i stand and how i feel. If she doesn't ever contact me then fair enough and if she does get back in contact then great. I have no bitterness towards her and i genuinely wish her well for the future, she always treated me well, but i just can't handle these periods of silence and not knowing whats going on. I left it open with her so its up to her now.

I just know that when i put that letter through her door i have to stick to my NC now ors that letter would be completely pointless. Do you guys think i've done the right thing and took control of the situation and let her know where i stand?

Hey S, I really hope you’re well. Not a moment goes by when i’m not thinking about you and what you’re up to. It has been very difficult for me not knowing how you’ve been feeling these past few weeks. I can only guess from previous events when you've gone quiet is that you’re having a really difficult time with your mental health. If you have been struggling then i’m really sorry to hear that. You deserve so much better than this horrible illness. It kills me inside knowing your struggling with that because I know how horrible it is from my own experiences. You know you can trust and speak to me babe, I understand better than anybody else.

Its been just over 5 weeks without hearing from you and I can’t really do anymore until you reach out and contact me. This is really hard and painful for me because I love and care for you so much, but I'm not going to message you anymore because I don't know if its making things worse for you or if its what you want. I’d love to just drive to your house and see if your ok, but I respect your privacy and I would never want to show up on you unannounced. I can only apologise and say I'm forever sorry if I've done something to upset you and thats why you've pulled away from me. You know better than anybody else that its not in my nature to intentionally upset people, especially you.

The only lie I ever told you is that I liked you when I already knew I loved you. I never knew what being in love felt like until I met you and its the greatest feeling I've ever had and I don't want it to stop. I’ve never been so scared of losing someone in all my life, but then nobody has ever mean’t to me as much as you do. I can’t imagine myself with anybody else but you, and I want nothing more than for us to be together, but if i’m not part of you’re happiness then I can accept that as hard as that may be. All i’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and achieve all your dreams, with or without me by your side. I really hope I get the chance to see you again, hug you, speak to you or even just a message because it would kind of tear me up inside if i didn’t.

I don’t want you to read this letter and think i’m abandoning you because I'm not! I would never abandon you! I made a promise to you many months back that I will always be there for you no matter what and nothing has changed. If you ever need me you know how to contact me and you have my number. Whatever happens between us you'll always hold a special place in my heart. Hopefully I’ll hear from you in the near future. Because of you I didn't give up. You've inspired me to be a stronger and better person. I hope I can do that for you to.

Lots of love

Patrick1991
 

Hi patrick1991

"Do you guys think i've done the right thing and took control of the situation and let her know where i stand?"

I think the "right thing" is whatever you need to do for yourself.  That is not always a clear answer and I have found that after writing an emotionally charged letter it is best to not look at it for a few days and then re-read when I am clear headed to decide if this is what i want to say.

Also, do you think that this letter is a "took control of the situation" moment?  Telling your ex how much you love her and care for her?  For your ex BPD, her version of taking control would be that you will never abandon her, regardless.  I ask because the stance you are proposing is likely to alienate your ex, rather than give you any more control than you already possess - and you don't have to tell her that you have it and are exercising it.  I could see that feeling like a contradiction to her.

I wrote this letter a few days ago and I think it is perfect for what I wanted to say to her. I don't know if we our broken up or still together, she just went quiet on me all of a sudden. We've never argued and she has never painted me black and still has me on social media etc.  So I just wanted to tell her that I'm still here for her and that I love her and I'll always be there for her  and whatever happens between us no hard feelings. It's up to her to contact me now simple as and if she doesn't then I'm cool with that

Sounds good Patrick, not meaning to contradict what you are saying.

Keep us posted... .

Hi Patrick,

Ultimately sending the letter is your call. You've been discouraged from sending it because it will most likely make matters worse all around.

Your sending a NC letter when she is not contacting hoping that telling her you're going to react to a threat of no contact and be jolted to contact you. After you send it, you will be on high anxiety counting the hours and waiting for a response. If she doesn't respond, then you will have painted yourself in a corner because you said you wouldn't contact her anymore and you'll be kicking yourself.

You're betting this letter is going to finally motivate her to contact you.

Chances that it will are very slim. Why? Because you've been sending gifts and texts and reaching out over and over to someone who is not responding. After 2, maybe three deep contacts, each contact (which is only a few days from the last) is coming off as clingy and that's not the guy she fell for. It's also likely she isn't reading anymore - its hurtful to hurt another person - she surely feels some shame for it.

It's hard to have no influence on her. Might seem like it will give you power. It's going to give you anxiety and hurt. We have seen this play out here many times... .I don't remember anyone breaking through a "ghosting" by bombing the partner with love notes and gifts.

It' up to you. I don't want you to hurt yourself.

Know we will be here for you whatever you choose.

Skip

Please really take the time to read Skip's reply.  You've made several attempts with no reply. If she wanted to talk to you she would.

She doesn't.

I'm mot saying she won't ever contact you but if you keep after her when she's not responding she might feel threatened. I would hate to see you get into a situation with the law.

We understand how you feel. Ive done what you are doing. All that does is make them respect you less and you will feel worse if there is no reply.

What are you doing to stay busy and keep your mind off her?