BPDFamily.com

An update on my divorce from my BPD wife. I filed in early August 2016. Brief marriage (<4 years).

I had a pretrial hearing today, and it had been two months since my last one. After two months of waiting, my wife had let my settlement offer expire without comment, had not arranged for an appraisal of a piece of property she is contesting, and had not completed the discovery that was due more than a week ago (in fact, she was working on it at the courthouse this morning). Two weeks ago, I had fired my attorney for his lack of communication, unwillingness to engage opposing counsel, and general lack of professionalism. So I did my research and found a highly rated replacement.

Wow. What a difference a competent attorney makes.

In short, within one hour of meeting with my wife's attorney during the pretrial, she got them to agree to finish the discovery by the end of the week, have all four of us meet in two weeks to discuss a settlement, and if all goes well, prepare a settlement so that the divorce can be awarded by the end of February when my next pretrial hearing is scheduled. My attorney was clear and knowledgable about the facts of the case, determined, firm yet cooperative, and 100% focused on advocating for me. For example, opposing counsel started down the road of how little money my wife makes in her job, and my attorney simply told her - "Stop right there. I'm sorry her career choice isn't as rewarded as it should be by society, but not relevant. This is a brief marriage and spousal support will be limited, not sustained indefinitely. She (my wife) may have to consider a career change."

I was bummed last week about seeing another retainer check cashed, but now feeling it was worth every penny.

The thought of sitting across the table from my wife to discuss settlement is somewhat disconcerting (I haven't been able to bring myself to look at her, even from a distance in a courthouse - that is how poorly she treated me during our marriage), but the meeting is something I had asked my former attorney to do more than three months ago. I'm beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your fingers crossed for me, and thanks for your support. It's been a lot of lonely (yet peaceful) days in my efficiency apartment.

TheTeacher

 

I hear you on the competent lawyer part. She sounds assertive and no-nonsense, without necessarily poking the bear.

Sitting across from someone who has abused you is not easy. My L advised to not have eye contact with my ex (we had a 4 hour deposition), and I found to my surprise that it helped to regulate my own emotions, making it easier to focus on the facts and participate in problem-solving. Maybe that is something that could work in your situation.

My T also told me to say the words "detach, detach, detach" when I noticed myself becoming emotionally triggered, and to look at ex and describe what he looked like, what he was doing, as though I were a journalist taking notes about a total stranger.

In the end I went with no eye contact simply because ex trended toward the dangerous type and I hadn't practiced mindfulness at that point, so didn't really have a good bearing about what it actually felt like to detach and be present at the same time.

You'll do fine, especially with a good L sitting next to you. Mine used a light foot tap to communicate and brought in my giant deposition binder as a prop to signal to the opposing L that there was more to the story than what he was hearing from ex (who provided nothing).

There is some theater to all of this, and a good L will work it ever so slightly to help your case.