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I have been split from my BPD ex for almost 5 years.  Throughout that time I have slept with her or spent weekends with her probably every 4-6 months.  I have never moved on, or dated anyone else.  She was my first and only girlfriend, our relationship was exciting, but it was an unhealthy nightmare.  For the first couple years after the breakup I would beg her back and be destroyed when she left.  For the last few years every time I see her I know going in that it will be fun for a night, but then I have the most soul crushing breakdowns.  I know I don't want to be with her.  It would never work, there is no trust and no stability, and all the cute quirks that I fell in love with seem to be fake now.  I have felt suicidal the last few days after she spent the night.  I feel like its an addiction.  I get away from her and I start to heal, but then i forget about the pain, and in a moment of weakness I text her, or she texts me.  I feel stuck in this loop and I just want to escape.  I know I heal when I get away from her, but I'm starting to lose faith that I will this time. My thought is that i'll keep "relapsing" and I'll never move on, and as a result be stuck in a permanent depression.  Has anyone experienced anything similar to this?  Has anyone escaped this cycle?

Hey jr, Only you know when its time to get off the roller coaster.  Sure, it is like an addiction: you know its unhealthy, but you still want to do it.  Let me ask you some tough questions: do you think you deserve this "nightmare" of a relationship?  what does the r/s do to your self-esteem?  do you find it difficult to accept yourself, just as you are?  The bottom line is, you're human, so give yourself a break.  Suggest you start taking care of YOU and move on when you're ready.

LuckyJim

Hi hisjrking, 

*welcome*

I'd like to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to BPDFAMILY. I recall asking a member what it is like to go back and forth said that idealization and devaluation are you intense. I'm lucky that I didn't go back, it was this group that helped me. This cycle is called r/s recycling.

I'm glad that you have any us, you'll find that you'll right in here. Many of our members can offer you guidance and support. Do you have a T? You'll find the lessons to the right side of the board. Attachment leads to suffering. Detachment leads to freedom. Keep posting it helps to talk.

‎Relationship recycling [romantic partners] (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0)‎

i feel like nobody would want me.  like i am nothing but baggage.  i feel like I have nothing to offer.  I mean how could I be good enough for someone else when I keep going back to my ex? I'm weak.  Not to mention I've not ever dated anyone else so I have that "will I ever feel this way with someone else" fear as well.  I've done the taking care of me part... .over and over.  I've gone months and months without seeing her and in that time I've gotten extremely fit, graduated from school, been accepted to graduate school, and even thought to myself "its nice to be over her".  But then seemingly out of nowhere I get the urge to say something to her, or she sends me a message, and at that point all bets are off.  I immediately lose my strength and give in.  Then as soon as I see her in person I completely break down into tears and it takes all the alcohol on the planet to even be in her presence for a day.  Then I tell her that I need boundaries I want to move on because our relationship just generates pain.  Then the cycle loops back through.  I don't know if I'll ever escape it.

jrhisking,

My story is very similar to yours, right down to the part about not having dated anyone else. Like you, I also made several attempts to distance myself from her but never had the will to follow through with it. I felt like I was being used, and that is a horrible feeling, being used by someone you love so much. Looking back, I can't believe I let it go on for as long as I did. She was the first real connection that I ever made with someone. Before meeting her, I didn't know I had it in me. I didn't know I was capable of being so close to someone. I felt like I was introduced to a whole other world that I never knew existed, so to end things and stop contact with her felt more like going backward, not forward, if that makes sense. Maybe this is what is going on with you too?

I wouldn't worry about being stuck in an endless cycle with her forever. If you haven't yet found the strength to get out, you will. I think human beings can only endure so much of this  before we have to get out. At some point, for me, love began to turn into hate, and I began to see her as a parasite that was sucking the life out of me. It took me a long time, but I finally cut off all communication with her. I didn't have a choice. If I hadn't I'd probably be dead now. At one time I, too, wondered if I'd be trapped forever, but I found the strength to break away from her. You will too.