BPDFamily.com

Haven't been here in a while

My question is and I may be way off.

It seems I can see the value, worth, beauty, in others but when it comes to me I can be very harsh and judgmental.

I look at my son and I see the most beautiful, deserving, worthwhile child I've ever seen. Then I get scared because I'm not sure how I help him reflect what I believe about him, back to him. I do this with other children too, not so much adults but I do see most if not all people as beautiful and deserving.

When I looked at my son's mother, I seen someone beautiful but she couldn't see it or didn't know how. I wonder now if she just used this as an excuse to lure me in, don't matter.

Am I doing the right thing? I actually get angry when people won't love themselves or refuse to take care of themselves. I went through that too, so maybe I'm a hypocritic.

I don't know, seems I'm so tough on myself and deny the love others have for me and convince myself I can live without it and try to love others.

Crazy

Idk, I kinda read a long time ago in some psych book or such that what we despise in another is actually what we despise in ourselves or are afraid of in ourselves but too scared to focus on in us.  I have always found this to be true for myself.

I often think of what I am annoyed with in other people, and can indeed see that I am actually annoyed at myself over these things and when I find peace with myself over these things, my angry focus at others goes away.

I guess it's normal to feel that way... .it's just not good to be too down on yourself. I think with all the self help books out there, it has to be a problem for most people. Self esteem- huge issues can come from the lack of a healthy one. I think things happen over the years that make us feel good and bad. For me it's a daily struggle. I think we are supposed to find something that we excel at and that is what will help. For some it's religion that works... .feeling God loves them no matter what. We can be proud of our accomplishments in life. They say we are to heal the child within that may have not gotten the positive reinforcement at a young age. Think about your life through the years and how you felt... .are there things you can look at as an adult and know that at the time it could have made you feel bad. Then decide if those things are still bothering you and try and be your own adult and fix the problem. Does that make any sense. That's what you are suppose to do anyway. I still am struggling when weekly I am disappointed by people. I take it personally. Our wrong choices make us feel less than too. I think we need to become more self aware and maybe we won't make poor choices. Sorry, just rambling here, but I hope something in here helps. Glad to see you back. Hope you are feeling better.

Thanks Herodias Sunfl0wer

Hi Jerry. Welcome back.

We form a lot of our beliefs around ourselves during our childhood. Some of those beliefs are healthy some which are not, may lead to low self esteem.

A really rewarding exercise is to try and identify these beliefs, keep the good ones and reprogram the poor ones. Almost a re-parenting effort. In the same way as you can be patient with our children, in this case your son, we can be patient with our inner child as we heal.

When you are "tough on yourself", listen to your self-talk, listen to what you are saying about yourself. Maybe even take notes on paper for later review. (Go ahead and post them here)

Two questions to ask yourself later when you are reflecting later:

Are these things valid?

Do they sound familiar? Does it remind you of something that people in your life have set to you in the past?