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Really don't know what to say here.  Hard to share with people I don't know.  I feel I'm fighting a battle that nobody understands.  Trying to be helpful and maintain boundaries.  Trying to be encouraging but feel like I'm enabling.  Honestly scared and don't want to be alone.

HI SoImnotAlone, 

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult right now and I can understand that it can also be difficult to share with others. This place is a safe place where you share your feelings without judgement and invalidation. You may of talked to family members and friends and given advice that works when your partner is non-disordered, they probably mean well but it helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.

What boundaries are you having difficulties maintaining?

Hey SoImNotAlone,

It is easy to feel lost and alone when you are living with a person with mental illness. Can you describe a little bit about your situation? Are you with a partner that has BPD/NPD? Do you have children?

A lot of really good folks on this site can help. We have all been in the situation of living with someone with BPD/NPD in our lives. The positive news: there are things that we can do to make things better. Sounds like you are already working on boundaries, which is really very tough but very helpful. The news you already know: this is not an easy illness and it doesn't necessarily resolve of itself.

Hope you can post a little bit more and know that you will be treated with respect and safety.

Hi SoImNotAlone,

You are NOT alone. My husband and I are undergoing some struggles. I think he has more NPD traits and codependency than BPD, but many of the issues are similar. I, too, am not currently willing to abandon our relationship of a couple decades when I see the pain and hardshiop he hides under his tough exterior. Our kids are also a factor in wanting to stay together.

Without knowing anything about your situation, here are a few thoughts that have been helping me:

• Make sure you get support. My therapist has been great support. Not only has she helped me identufy where I have bene enabling, but helps me practice settting boundaries, determine what are healthy boundaries, and helps me find and deal with beliefs I have that are preventing me from maintaining my boundaries. Having friends I can off-load to (and this board!) helps as well, because expressing aything to my partner about how I feel about our relationship is usually not beneficial and creates backlash.
• Know that as you get better, it will get both better and worse. Nothing changed at all until I started stepping out of the codependency/enabling dance. Once I started that process, I encountered both resistance from my family amd a surprising willingness from my partner to start working on his own stuff. It is HARD to continue healing and improving in this situation, which is why support is crucial.
• Look through the tools on this site. There are a lot of great videos and articles on this site that help with basic relationship skills I never learned growing up (it seems that my mom may be BPD and my dad has at least NPD traits). I am trying to study and implement them one at a time.

No, you aren't alone, and yes, what you are trying to do is very challening.

People here understand the battle.

Truly.

There are specific communication and relationship skills that are (somewhat counterintuitive) that can make a difference.

They won't cure your partner's BPD, tho they can prevent things from getting worse.

How are you currently maintaining boundaries?

LnL