BPDFamily.com

So not triangulating?

uBPD/NPDstbex keeps having my stepkids contact specific neighbor couple for stuff even when I'm available?

For example, yesterday my wife, triangulated neighbor lady and all kids except my teen stepson head out of town for the day.  I asked teen stepson if he wanted to go to another neighbors house to watch the game and he says nah, wants to play video games.  I go out and grab him lunch and snacks and check in to see if he wants to go, nope he's good.  I head a block away and watch the game, check in with him through out the game etc. 

Head home around 4pm as he's no longer responding to texts, house is empty so I text my wife and ask if she grabbed him for dinner or something... .no response.  As I head back over to neighbors I get a text from my stepson that he's home solo still.  So I head back thinking I'll take him to dinner, I say man I missed you where were you hiding?  He said oh I wasn't here as my wife had neighbors husband come over and take him to dinner?

Frustrated as it's just playing a game with the kids as I have a great relationship with them and now she's playing this game with having the neighbors do everything... .even throws it as a threat if I don't want to do something, "fine I call xyz and he can come over and do it if you won't... ."

So is this healthy?  Do I say something to the neighbors?  Do I just let it go, keep positive with my stepkids and hope divorce wraps sooner than later?  So worried that she is going to somehow play this in court... .

Help!

NS

I am not sure if it is triangulation. It definitely sounds like some form of manipulation. The way she is going about this doesn't sound very healthy.

If you were to say something to the neighbors, what would it be?

How long have you been their step dad? Is their biological father in their lives at all?

Once you are divorced, what role will you have in their lives? Do you think she will cut you off from your step kids?

That's a tough one as they say that trying to explain our side only serves to make us look crazy.  Maybe something as simple as, "We've know each other a long time and I hope you know there are two sides to every story and unless you've lived under our roof you really don't know."


I've been their step dad for three years and I have  two teenage children of my own.  She has three from two different fathers, one of the fathers passed away last summer and one has been court ordered not to have contact with his daughter until further notice.


After the divorce I'm looking forward to getting more time with my own sons as I have really been made to sacrifice time with them to focus on her and her children.  As for being cut out of my step kids lives, it's already happening and it seems a very unhealthy way that she's going about it.  For example, I drive them to school every Tuesday and Friday and have for years and this morning at the last minute... .she made them take the bus saying, "We've got this, we don't need your help".  Mind you she's off on Tuesdays and Fridays and could take them, but she prefers to stay in her robe, drink coffee and make them take the bus... .and the drive to school and back takes all of about 15-20 minutes max.

I have a bad feeling things are going to get weirder as we are going for our first mediation appointment today and the closer we've gotten to this day the angrier she has become.  Finance will be on the table today and having reviewed them... .things are going to go south as we dig into those and I'm guessing then spill into our day to day lives from today forward.

Ugh... .

NS

NS

What would you want the outcome to be?

I guess I am wondering what your goal for talking to them would be. Do you want them to butt out? Do you want them to tell your wife no?

Most people know that there are two sides to every story. They are in a sticky position. What are they supposed to do or say in this situation? I know that people in my life have expressed that they aren't sure what to say or do as they know both ex and I. They do things for the kids that ex could easily do. It isn't triangulation as much as it is them looking out for the kids and trying to let the kids know that there is a safe place outside of the weirdness between me and ex. The kids would rather have grandma do stuff for them than dad because it is easier. If grandma does it, then they aren't likely to hear anything from me or dad about anything. They love their dad. It is just easier not to deal with it. I know I could ask ex for things but I don't because of the tension between us. It is easier to go to an outside source.


How do you think it should happen? I am not trying to pick on you. It sounds like she is gradually trying to find ways to phase you out of their lives. I know how painful that is. Is gradually doing it going to be more painful than doing it all at once? One of the conclusions that I am coming to is that there are no good ways to deal with some of this stuff. Even if both partners are healthy and amicable, there are no easy answers. With a partner that is disordered, it makes things a lot more complicated.

I think you would have to know the situation and how they have and are currently involved.  I don't think there is anything I could say, they are the neighbors that my wife and I would have an argument about some crazy imagined garbage and my wife would, send a text, grab a bottle of wine, look at me with that sinister smile on her face that said "oh you're in trouble now cuz I'm going to tell on you!" and she'd walk out the door and head to the neighbors.  And I'm talking like sometime numerous times a week and never finish the conversation or come to a resolution with me.  So yeah, what could I possibly say to these folks that would mean anything... .sometimes you just have to write things off in the loss column.


Sure, it sound good on paper that she is "trying to ease the transition", but if you were there to see the way it is being presented and executed with passive aggressive comments, anger and the cold turkey nature does not seem like the right way to proceed either as she is saying she has to stay until June when the kids get out of school?  I hear what you're saying, but if you were here to witness the delivery and execution, I think you would see how it's true goal is as a tool of manipulation and to create a certain discomfort for me... .sadly at the children's expense in my eyes as I'm here to see their confusion.

NS

 

I am all too aware of this kind of situation.

When ex first left,  he would lobby to see the kids all the time. I would let him. It has never been my intention to keep his kids from him. The problem was that his presence sets the kids off. I used to have people telling me that I needed to just force the kids to hang out with dad. I would and the kids would be terrible afterwards. Now that I have tried to find a better schedule and limit his time with the kids, they are doing much better and people are starting to take notice. I used to try to explain the situation to no avail. People thought I was just being the typical crappy wife that was trying to use the kids as a manipulation tool. In reality, I think he was because he would spend time with the kids and continually tell them all the things that I would get mad about. (The kids and I knew it was crap but it planted seeds of doubt in their heads.)

What ex does is not healthy and other people can't see it. Anything I might try to say is going to be countered with the fact that I am limiting his time with the kids. It is going to be countered with him finding some kind of excuse or trying to paint himself as the good guy in all of this.

You have to find a way to let it go even if it hurts like hell. I have been trying to work on letting this crap go and it isn't easy. I know the truth. I see what goes on with him behind closed doors. He has an image to uphold. I don't.