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 I broke N.C... .and I paid heavily for that... .

He called me a liar... ." well we all know that their logical decisions are random... .and it's like those slot machine... .that keeps us coming for more... ."

He kicked me out and behind my back I just happened to see on my way out he bought a ticket to his Ex girldfriend from France... .

See everything is planned... .he will start a fight because he wanted to see his ex ... .when that doesn't work, than the next one... .

It just happaned this week... .and I am devastated... .
How do they have the energy and the happiness to move on... .and N.C for months, while we the real one who loved with care and kindness are discarded like that... .

I am scared I will never get over the humiliating back stabbing treatment of his... .
Does any of you have any comfort words that would actually get me out of the bed... .

I just have never heard about my parents generations/grandparents generations of anyone who would treat a woman with such disrespect... .?

I am not a shamed to say I am still in love with him, although he treated me like " crap"... .I know time heals all wounds but it scares me to see that some are not over their ex'ex 2-5 years later... .I want to exoerience love and be loved... .I want to experience trust and be trusted... .but How do I stop thinking about him and her having fun... .
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Hi Scyphozoan, my ex used to do this too. Manufacture situations causing a rift between us, he’d then go back onto dating sites and if it didn’t work out come back to me. The relationship is well and truly over now and he has a new girlfriend. The thought of this hurts me still and I get caught up in the pain of it all sometimes just as you’re experiencing now. It hurts imagining the person you love (loved) with someone else.

So, how do we stop thinking about them having fun? I cope by reminding myself of what his behaviour is all about. Ask yourself, what is he, as a pwBPD, attempting to do? The answer is run. He is running from his deep-seated painful fears. Right now, he may view his ex as his latest saviour, convince himself that she is the remedy for all his painful feelings, he’ll idealise her for a while, then the devaluing will start and he’ll knock her off the pedestal, as he probably has done several times before (she’s an ex for a reason) and then off he’ll go in search of the new fantasy saviour or back to an ex (hopefully not you) if she’ll let him. It’s a cycle and it will repeat over and over unless they get help.Is he really happy? 

Don’t be hard on yourself breaking NC isn’t a crime and many of us have done it. See this as an opportunity for you to build your strength knowing that you deserve more than this torturous treatment.

You’ve identified some wants. You want to experience love and be loved. How likely is this with your ex? Consider going back to NC. It took me 11 months to see that this was a great way to get space to heal. One month later, with absolutely no contact from him whatsoever, and I can say that it’s gotten much, much easier.

You can do it. Time to get out of bed Schyphozoan, me too!

Stay complete NC, allow yourself to be present with your thoughts and feelings and then let them go, continue reading and learning about this awful disorder, accept that this will likely be the most painful thing you ever go through but is necessary to recover and get to a better way of life.
You will find that the further out you get the clearer things become, recovery isn't linear so expect to feel better at times then worse, but over time things get significantly better. NC and detachment leads to recovery.
Hang in there.