BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone! I am new to this whole thing. My sister has BPD and refuses to get help. We have struggled our entire life to have a healthy relationship, and it has been very hard, especially for me. Recently we have not spoke in 5 months, and I feel guilty because I am happy that she is no longer a part of my life. We had a big falling out over the summer and I have not wanted to mend the relationship this time because I am tired of having to be the one who says I am sorry and that she never takes responsibility for her actions, and is always the victim. Believe me when I say that our recent discord is not something that was insignificant. It was life changing stuff. So my goal here is not to mend our relationship, because I really do not know if that is even possible at this point, but more to begin to mend myself from the damage this relationship has done over my lifetime. I feel with knowing more people that have dealt with similar situations and understanding more about my sister's condition will help me let go of some of the hurt and anger I hold towards our relationship. I do not like being filled with so much hurt and anger and not be able to have any solace from my sister, and I know I never will get that from her. So I am working on what I can, which is myself.

Hi Newbie:  

I'm sorry about your situation with your sister. You will find many others here with similar situations, who can relate to you.


Many people find that even if their person with BPD (pwBPD) apologies, it doesn't change anything long-term.  I got an apology from my sister, at one point, but then I continued to be painted black.  It didn't take long before the disturbing behavior escalated back to or beyond where it was.

It's hard to get change from someone who fails to admit they have problems to work on.  All we can do is to take charge of our selves and the way we interact with and react to our pwBPD. I'm glad to hear that you are working on yourself.

You can find links to helpful information, positioned to the right of this post and within the large green banner at the top of the page (the "tool" section has several helpful things).  The Survivors Guide (to your right) is a good place to start.  Processing our feelings, in regard to a BPD relationship, can be a grieving process.

Some of us wrestle with forgiveness.  Is that something you struggle with?  Are you working on yourself, with the assistance of a therapist?

I am currently reading the wonderful links that this page has posted. It so far is so eye opening for me. I really love that it is helping me understand and relate better. I am working with my therapist and with this support group to work through my feelings towards my sister. It is very helpful to understand that it is a mental disorder and not something she can just change herself. I too have received an apology here and there in our lifetime, but that has never changed her behavior and she has continued to hurt me. I feel that these tools are so very helpful, and that I will have to go through a grieving process. I have been able to grieve my relationship with my mother and father, but it has taken years of therapy because I do struggle with forgiveness. Our childhood was really rough, and I am finally able to move on and not live in the past, but my relationship with my sister seems to be the last struggle I need to overcome personally.

My sister has always had health issues from the day she was born. Ten years ago she was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer. I was tested and confirmed as her perfect match to be her marrow donor. I am happy to be able to help her with that, and the doctors said they wanted to wait to do the bone marrow transplant until her blood count reached a certain number which could take 10, 20, or 30 years, they wouldn't know and simply just have to monitor it. As of 2015 I got married to the love of my life. As of 2016 my sister begged and pleaded for me to start trying to get pregnant because she cannot have any more children of her own, she almost died having one child 11 years ago. So my husband and I decided to start trying, even though we had originally wanted to wait a little longer. Two months into trying my sister got the call from the doctors saying they wanted to go ahead with the transplant. She quickly asked me to stop trying to get pregnant until all of this was over, which I was completely fine with, what we did not know at the time was that I was already pregnant. The doctors confirmed this at the physical. With my sister having BPD and finding out this information she totally lost it. She said I had ruined her life and got pregnant on purpose because I did not care about her life, and I have signed her death warrant. It was all pretty devastating actually. She went as far as to demonize me to our family and friends and share the news of my pregnancy WAY before I was ready to share, and blamed me for all of the issues she was having. Not to mention she told everyone she could no longer trust me and that I could have many more children and chose this baby over her life and that she only had months to live. None of this is true and I spent months of having to explain myself to family and friends. Add my pregnancy hormones on top of it, and it was just a nightmare. The doctors told us that they would like to wait until the baby is born, and I have healed to do the transplant and that if for some reason my sister could not make it that long, as in if her cancer mutates for any reason, they have other donors lined up. My sister has made it out like I have changed my mind and will not donate and has asked me several times if she can trust that I will not back out on her. I have told her until I am blue in the face that I never changed my mind and will still be going through with the process. Needless to say she has used this time to twist things that I say and make me out to be the bad guy. I had enough and have cut her out completely because I cannot have her ruining what may be the only time I ever have a pregnancy in my life. So that is the most recent fight and the reason why we are currently estranged. I plan on doing the right thing and giving my marrow, but I do not plan on having a relationship with her unless she gets the medical help she needs for her mental issues.

Hey Newbie:  

Congrats on the pregnancy!  I'm so very sorry about what your sister is putting you through.  The lies, blame and distortion from people with BPD (pwBPD) can be very disturbing.  It's understandable that you need to take measures to safeguard your health and the welfare of your baby.

Forgiveness can be a tough thing to process.  The person who benefits from forgiveness is you. 

I can see you have your sister's best interest at heart.  I'm so sorry that she is on a smear campaign against your.  Your sister can decide to get help for her BPD.  It's her decision not to, and you have the right to set boundaries. 

When is the baby due?  Are you still in therapy?