BPDFamily.com

Hey everybody,

Just dropping in.  It's been interesting to come back, having come full circle, and seeing all the old stories under new names--I still remember the immediacy of my experience when I found these boards and how deeply personal it all felt.  It looks like most of the names I was familiar with moved on, which is as it should be.

It's been a year & 6 months since I broke up with my BPDexgf (I had to do some math in my head to arrive at that figure) and began tackling my issues with codependency.  We've been NC since, which I'd recommend to everybody, for your sake and for theirs--in fact, a pattern I noticed when I was last hear is that the members who were unable or unwilling to cut contact with their exes were the ones whose progress was slowest.  

But, man, it's been a journey!  I'm doing better now than I've ever been--more happy, more complete; for the first time, I've learned how to enjoy and prioritize my experience of myself.  It's scary to think where my life could've ended up had I never undergone the type of trauma that was necessary to reassemble a new reality.  In the past year, I've met some wonderful women.  I haven't dated anyone exclusively, and I'm not sure that's anywhere on my list of priorities--but I've had awesome connections with several women that were based on emotional enjoyment and sharing instead of neediness and validation (and plenty of not so awesome connections as well ).  

But more than that, I thought I'd share some of the insights I've gotten on my path to recovery.

1.  Make a clean break.  At the time of my breakup I posted a borderline breakup guide here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281522.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281522.0).  Obviously, I only have a small sample size to affirm the effectiveness of this guide--but I think the psychological principles are sound and could help other avert the worst of a BPD breakup.

2.  Take unconditional responsibility.  There's a huge temptation to distract yourself with the 'why's' & 'how's.'  Why did she do this? How could he just move on like it meant nothing? Why didn't I notice the redflags sooner?  But that's only a distraction from the real issue at hand--your relationship with yourself.  Once you're able to say, You know what, I'm responsible for this.  It's not my fault--I was doing the best with what I knew at the time--but it's up to me to pick up the pieces.

3.  Practice unconditional self-acceptance.  It's OK--you didn't know better; you can't control her or her perception of you; yeah, you probably could've done things differently but you did the best you could.  Self-acceptance is absolutely crucial to developing core confidence and a healthy sense of self.  

4.  :)elight in your own agency.  Refuse to be a victim.  **** that.  You're not a martyr.  You're not powerless.  A good question to ask yourself is, "If I really loved myself, what would I do for myself right now?"  And then do that thing--no matter how small or inconsequential.  Make it a habit.  Would a walk make you feel better? Go for a walk.  If you loved yourself, would you take a nap after a hard day's work? Take a nap.  Really get in touch with your own needs--and then find steps to take towards addressing those needs.

5.  Forgive.  Anger & resentment will emotionally bound you to another person just as strongly as love.  Let go.  Forgive yourself, forgive your BPDex, forgive her parents, forgive your parents.  Anytime you have a negative thought that abnegates your own agency in the current moment, just say, "It's OK.  I forgive them."  Even if you consciously can't right now, since you're consciously aware of how they violated you, your subconscious can't make those distinctions.  

I highly recommend meditation as a daily habit.  Meditate.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJb55LBKPpM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJb55LBKPpM)  This guided meditation was the one I found most effective.  It's tremendously helpful in reclaiming your mind, your ego, and resolving the cognitive dissonance that results from prolonged exposure to the distorted reality of a pwBPD.  I was extremely skeptical, but as I was going through my own breakup I was willing to try absolutely anything--and meditation was an essential part of my recovery.  

All the best!  It does get better.  You will get better.  But it's a choice you have to make for yourself.  You could have the answers to all the questions about BPD, about Codependency, but if you refuse to take action, it wouldn't make difference.

gameover

Very good post, I agree on all counts.

The only thing I would say is it takes a while to get to this point, many on the boards won't be there yet.

Well done for getting through this properly

Great post.

It does take time--but what's more important is what you do during that time.  These things don't just take care of themselves--you might suppress, you might distract yourself, you might move, you might even forget--but the core wounds will still be there.  The sooner you get to a point where you're addressing those--your issues & not your ex's--the sooner everything else will resolve.

The temptation, however, is to focus on the external (BPD) since it keeps you from looking into parts of yourself that you've suppressed.

I remember you gameover...

What a wonderful post, so glad to hear about your healing and how you got there.

Still can't believe we made it to the other side.

L

Very true about having a strong desire to look at and bash the external pwBPD, when the real thing that needs to be addressed is yourself. I found that grilling and trashing the pwBPD only helped for a little while. I was angry. Now I'm not.

I feel sorry for my exBPD. She lives with something awful that she didn't ask for, but I can't save her and I can't let her drag me down with her. I can't fix her. I can't show her logic and healthy emotionally thinking. I can't teach her things - she doesn't even remember the way things actually happen.

'm not in a constant state of anxiety. I might have a less-than-ideal day every so often, but they are not that often. Things might not be perfect, but man, I have to say that I'm good... .and happy. I'm not on a rollercoaster anymore. That feels good. I don't like rollercoasters. I'm trading my rollercoaster tickets for my old train tickets. The rails have curves and unexpected junctions from time to time, but I can actually go somewhere in my train instead of doing stomach-turning upside down loops only to return right where I started.

I'm about two months out NC of a 1.5 year on/off relationship with a dxBPDexgf.


Life is better for me now. (: