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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: patrick1991 on January 24, 2017, 05:39:06 PM



Title: Anxiety/Flashbacks over ex. Will i ever meet someone again?
Post by: patrick1991 on January 24, 2017, 05:39:06 PM
So if anybody has followed my story on here recently they would know that my ex gave me the silent treatment for about 5 weeks, and i'm feeling sorry for her thinking she's having a hard time bless her, but then i catfished her and found out she was painting me black. She never knew it was me and i won't reveal it, i just blocked her on everything and hopefully i won't hear from her again. I know NC is the best way forward and for me to heal properly and move on, but thats where i'm stuck a bit.

I keep getting random moments of intense anxiety whenever she comes into my mind, like i hope she's ok and does she ever think about me etc. And i seem to be dreaming over her loads and they are all sexually based. I really miss the intimacy, but not her. I guess with time i will be able to detach, but at the moment its still pretty raw and it hurts and i can't even seem to look at another girl and get excited at the moment which is worrying me. Like what if i have already peaked with her. I really want to be able to meet somebody again, but i'm scared i won't be able to forget about her. Has anybody else felt this or been through this?


Title: Re: Anxiety/Flashbacks over ex. Will i ever meet someone again?
Post by: Herodias on January 24, 2017, 06:19:33 PM
Yes, I think that is common. Some of us have been through trauma bonding as well. I think dreams are a way of working through things in our minds. These relationships are harder than normal ones because of the intense raw emotion that is brought out. Know that you are part of that equation and if you want that again, you can make it happen when the time is right.This is a good time to figure out who you are and what your needs are before you get into another relationship anyway, so don't worry about not wanting to date just yet. I have moments when I think I am totally flawed and won't be able to date anyone ever again, so I know what you mean. I think when it is the right person and we know what to avoid in the future, we will be ok. Just be patient. I think we get a little obsessed with our exes, but that is where no contact comes in... .it is hard. It just takes time and healing.


Title: Re: Anxiety/Flashbacks over ex. Will i ever meet someone again?
Post by: infjEpic on January 26, 2017, 07:26:05 PM
So if anybody has followed my story on here recently they would know that my ex gave me the silent treatment for about 5 weeks, and i'm feeling sorry for her thinking she's having a hard time bless her, but then i catfished her and found out she was painting me black. She never knew it was me and i won't reveal it, i just blocked her on everything and hopefully i won't hear from her again. I know NC is the best way forward and for me to heal properly and move on, but thats where i'm stuck a bit.

I keep getting random moments of intense anxiety whenever she comes into my mind, like i hope she's ok and does she ever think about me etc. And i seem to be dreaming over her loads and they are all sexually based. I really miss the intimacy, but not her. I guess with time i will be able to detach, but at the moment its still pretty raw and it hurts and i can't even seem to look at another girl and get excited at the moment which is worrying me. Like what if i have already peaked with her. I really want to be able to meet somebody again, but i'm scared i won't be able to forget about her. Has anybody else felt this or been through this?

Yea, absolutely.
What you are feeling is very, very normal.
All you need is time.

In terms of the sexual dreams, they're less frequent, but I still have them 9 months later.

Really, for such an emotional and traumatic time in one's life, I would think it would be normal to still be experiencing it to some extent after 18 months.

As to whether you have peaked - sexually, I cannot answer that.
I do suspect that, in time, once you have established a healthy emotional connection with someone, you will have a good sexual relationship.
Not necessarily 'better', just different.

But I'm not going to lie either - sexual hyperactivity usually includes a higher level of 'desire', than I experienced with females in non-disordered relationships.
It's an incredible turn on for a guy - to feel desired, to be sexually pursued, not to be the initiator all the time etc.

I'm in a healthy relationship - and I do miss that sensation. But I've made peace with it on some level also - I had that experience and it was exhilarating, I am grateful for that, but I could not endure what comes with it - and I no longer have to, I am grateful for that also.

So sexually - I don't have an answer yet. Ask me in another 9 months.

This was a major concern for me in the aftermath of the BPD breakup, and I was thinking that I should go out and have a lot of sexual experiences.  The advice my counsellor gave me was to use my hand instead.
On reflection, I think that was really good advice.

But I had several sexual experiences in the aftermath before getting into a relationship again.
The first experience was purely to break the emotional connection with my ex. It helped. Had I not been cheated on, it would have mattered less to me.
The woman was very attractive, but I didn't really enjoy it. I had sex with her again another time and honestly, despite her attractiveness, I couldn't even finish... .sex without the emotional connection felt robotic. Repulsive even. She wasn't interested in me beyond sex and I'd never had sex outside of relationships before then, so I was a bit surprised. Not quite what I had expected.

The next few experiences felt quite good, because I liked the other woman. She was also very attractive, but I was able to establish some sort of emotional connection with her, despite her not wanting a relationship.

But peaked emotionally?, no, not even close, in fact you will most likely be much more appreciative of normal relationships in the future, than you otherwise would have been.
You are more likely to think long term, and less about instant gratification.
You are more likely to choose wiser - more consideration of personality and less emphasis on looks.


Title: Re: Anxiety/Flashbacks over ex. Will i ever meet someone again?
Post by: MiserableMostly on January 26, 2017, 08:29:32 PM
Don't worry man. I have the exact same thing. I'm going on 6 weeks NC. I was dreaming all the time about her at first. The dreams stopped after a few weeks. I still wake up in the morning thinking about her though. The road ahead is not easy. Just know that every misstep you make (breaking NC) will mean starting over.

As for the sex, haven't heard anyone come up with a good answer yet. I haven't had sex since the break up. I've had the opportunity a couple of times and just couldn't go through with it. I too need an emotional connection to have sex and right now I feel nothing. My heart isn't open. But I'm still trying, I'm still meeting new people. I sure hope that day comes. But for now, I still think about my ex. It's slowly gotten a little better, a little less intense. But yeah, it's like rebuilding your life from scratch.