BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone,

I've been reading How to stop walking on Eggshells, and am really pleased to have found this community. After living with my mother's mental illness for so long with little to no support, I'm stoked to be able to reach out to others in my position. In particular, I was wondering if people could share their experiences of what it was like to talk to a counsellor or therapist for the first time?

About four months ago, my mother had one of her worst episodes of verbal abuse/hysterical rage ever and it left me feeling completely devastated. At the age of twenty-three, I now have my own place, am financially independent, and haven't lived with my mother since age sixteen. She actually lives in a different state now, a couple of hours away by plane. Yet, she can still leave me just as sad, frightened and resentful as she did when I was a small and completely at her mercy. My father and I finally came to the conclusion that I should seek counselling simply as a matter of emotional survival. I booked an appointment and now I'm super nervous. I envisage myself becoming a blubbering nervous wreck within moments of sitting down, unable to fully express my situation.

What can I do to prepare and get the most out of my counselling? I'm scared that my defenses are already so low that the session itself will take a massive emotional toll. What kind of questions should I expect? Thoughts?

Hi little nomad,  

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to BPDFAMILY. I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate for you. I can see how your first appointment with a T would be nerve wracking, you're talking t'osomeone at your age where some people are much older or don't seek the help of a T. Good for you  |iiii

Is your mom diagnosed with BPD? I ask because a T or P diagnose someone that is not in the same room with them. My P turned the focus on me and whenever I mention my uBPDxw to T's I just say she suffers a mental illness of some sort, results may vary from T to T, my advice is make sure that your T syncs with you and that you feel like you're comfortable with them, don't settle for anything less, shop around for different T's until you find the best match for you.

Hey Little Nomad:   
I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you.

I think that we can have varying situations with therapy, in accordance with where we live, the insurance we have and our financial situation.  As Mutt indicates, the best situation is to find the best fit in a therapist.  Due to financial restraints, some people may have to work with whatever their insurance allows, or what they can afford.


In my experience, I was asked why I was there (basically, what's going on?).  If you are dealing with insurance, you will likely have to complete a questionnaire that will ask you questions that will likely assist with insurance paperwork and give the psychologist a general overview of what you are dealing with (depression, anxiety, etc.).  I remember the questionnaire I filled out (when I was using insurance) had questions about how you are feeling:  depression?  sleep disruption? eating too little/too much, anxiety issues, any suicidal thoughts?, etc.  There were a couple of pages of questions. It gives the psychologist/therapist a quick overview of your situation.

There is a "getting acquainted" period.  You may feel comfortable with your therapist from the start, or it might take a few sessions.  If you don't get comfortable, after a few sessions, it is probably best to try a different therapist, if possible. (perhaps from female to male, or the reverse; perhaps to someone with more experience with BPD; or perhaps a different personality.

The first couple of visits, can be like sharing with a friend, who is good at listening.  Therapists may use different therapy styles, but I think there can be some flexibility.  You can look at it from the prospective that the therapist is working for you.  After a few sessions, it could help, if you set some goals about what you want to achieve in therapy. 

I decided that I wanted more of a cognitive  therapy situation.  At one point, I asked my therapist to recommend a book to address worrying.  I got the recommended book and we had some discussion about the book and a specific exercise the book recommended.

On occasion, I've printed out some lessons from this website and others, and brought them to a session with me.  It can be productive to have some degree of free-form discussions, mixed with some specific issues like: boundaries, validation, "I" statements, grieving, forgiveness, understanding different BPD behaviors (splitting, projection), etc. 

You can decide to steer the ship, at least at some level. 

Best wishes with your first therapy session.   

Hello Little Nomad   

Welcome !

I think it is important that you feel at ease with your therapist.

I always thought it was not necessary that I went to one, that I would sort out everything on my own.
A very good friend of mine is psychologist, and with her help I started to see my FOO for what it was : one dysfunctional mess. She was the one who pointed out that my mum is BPD, and this is how it started. She was also the one telling me I could draw boundaries. Sometimes I felt on a defense when she pointed out certain stuff. It sometimes made me feel a little uneasy. I guess I did not want to see the truth, I did not want to give up my dream of a normal family.   In hindsight now I see that everything she said has been true, and our friendship and her honesty has made me a healthier person.

Finally I decided to go see a 'real' therapist, because there was stuff left that I could not sort out on my own. I also felt that a friend should not really by my therapist, that didn't feel healthy anymore.
The help of my psychologist friend made me realize that sometimes we are so close to our own situation that we need an outsider to help us sort things out, even when we think we are so strong and independent and can do everything by ourselves.

In my country insurance does not cover therapy unfortunately. But the good thing is that this gave me a lot of choices. I could seek out someone with a specific approach that I liked, which is what I did.
I immediately felt comfortable with my therapist. She told me right from the start that I should think and decide if she was 'the right fit' for me, if I felt I could trust her. I liked that. And I did trust her, and I liked her approach too. So I kept going.

I feel I am functioning pretty well, I am not depressed, etc. Still there are a lot of things I can use help with, and she's doing just that.

Good luck, and let us know about your first session if you want !

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone!

I agree wholeheartedly with Mutt in that finding a good fit is essential. I'm not sure how insurance and referrals work overseas, but my father helped me find a local therapist who actually lists BPD as one of her specialist areas. I had to go through a fairly painless questionnaire with my local GP, who then wrote the referral to my counsellor of choice. This is a huge relief. I know there's still a lot of debate in the medical community about the validity of BPD, so it's nice to know that mine has practical experience. She also has a therapy dog. I won't lie, I'm pretty excited about that part. Who doesn't want something furry to pet when they're stressed?


This is a great idea, Naughty Nibbler! It never even occurred to me to bring my own resources in to therapy. I'm definitely trying this.


I can understand this feeling, completely. I often feel guilty about unloading my frustrations on my best friend and there are simply too many issues that I feel unequipped to deal with without expertise or outside help.

Thanks so much for the encouragement everyone! My first appointment isn't until Feb 17th (my counsellor is very popular, which I'm interpreting as a good sign). So I'll keep everyone updated. In the mean time, I have some reading to do. :)

Hey Little Nomad:
My therapist brings her dog in once a week and it happens to be on my day. Another therapist in the group brings her dog daily. I started bringing some dog treats. So, I've become the dogs' favorite client, LOL

Sounds like you are heading for a good start to your therapy.  |iiii