BPDFamily.com

I remember when my ex's now deceased mother was ill. My ex was her main care giver and she really didn't get any help from her family members.  One day she went ballistic at her mother. Yelling, crying and screaming.  She said it was because her mother was not taking her meds or obeying her properly. I tried to calm her down and I explained (what she already knew) that due to her mom's  condition oxygen is not being carried to her brain properly.

She said that her mother was just stubborn and would not obey HER. She also said she couldn't do what SHE wanted to do now.  I got the impression she was putting her own self esteem into the equation.  What stuck in my mind is that she carried on like that with her slowly dying mother. I understand the frustration in dealing with wayward parents, I used to get into it with my dad. The difference is he was not chronically ill like her mother and he died suddenly.

 My ex knew what the final outcome of this would be. Was she angry over fear of losing her? Possibly but her reaction was still a bit much. I suppose she painted her mother black? I don't know. I do know I was the target of this type of behavior later.

When she would get frustrated or didn't get what she wanted the blaming and yelling started.

My ex absolutely hated her mother, it was one of the first things she told me, and indeed was something she told many people. Looking back it was very dysfunctional and a huge  red-flag. My ex treated her mother like crap, I mean really badly, avoiding seeing her, not answering the phone to her (even on Christmas day), blaming her for being a bad mother. Even being glad when some test results came back, which showed that her mother wasn't suffering from alzheimers, which must mean that her mother was just a bad person with bad behaviour. The lack of compassion or care was astonishing.

The worst thing is that with all this hate, she stayed attached. She even managed to get power of attorney over her mother's money. So they'll stay attached until her mother passes away. And during this time, my ex will have complete control.

My ex didn't do the shouting or raging thing, more the silent treatment or ignoring. Cold punishment for those she hated. It was turned on me after the discard, and then became stalking.

And this is the thing. Why stay attached to someone you hate? Why keep on punishing someone, even your mother at the age of 50?

My ex's relationship with her mother was more ambivalent. She loved her mom but at the same time I saw that she resented her too.  Her mom was very domineering and controlling but at the core I think she meant well. The problem is that my ex was never strong enough to stand up to her mom and later she blamed her and myself for her failures.

She also said during her rages her mother used to take her problems out on her. I stated that her mother was wrong and she was wrong for imitating her.  As I said earlier replicating a behavior that was hurtful to her wasn't fair.