BPDFamily.com

My ex used to complain ad nauseum  about those that had wronged, mistreated  and held her back in life. People didn't want her to achieve anything and she was the poor victim of them all. She especially blamed her family and lastly me. I would act as a counselor at first and later I tried to get her to seek professional help. She would do none of these. But here's the thing...

"Why is it ok for you to mistreat me but it was wrong for others to that to you"? "You don't see that"?  I asked her. That's a trait  of narcissism I believe. I know projection had a lot to do with it too.

My ex would accuse me of "living in the PAST", and "not wanting to heal" when discussing a recent lie, affair, deception or broken promise of his that had come to light.
Yet it was perfectly ok for him to have self esteem issues from his youth or issues pertaining to teen years and high school.

It became especially frustrating to attempt conversations as the "rules" were ever shifting with one set applying to him and another to everyone else.

Exactly. Everything is was about her. In my relationship I could not confide in her due to the fear that it would set her off and cause a argument. It was ok for her to drone on endlessly about HER issues though.

Sounds like NPD traits.

My BPDex did similar. But she would also claim she was 'far too intelligent be working where is working', and daily or weekly had stories about 'such and such a client told me I'm far too bright for this job/I'm wasted in this job' etc.
Cognitive Dissonance Overload.

In the second conversation I had with my ex (online), she started to tell me how her first boyfriend had killed himself.
I distinctly recall asking myself - 'She sounds like bad news - do you really want to get involved with this person?'
But I did anyway. ( I was much less judgemental then I think)

In retrospect, given her ASPD traits, I now believe she drove him to it.
She had a particularly disturbing obsession with serial killers, and crime documentaries.

My ex was fascinated with domestic violence and rape in drama or in the news. She was usually  interested in male on female violence.

Mine was always the "greater victim"

She was always the more hurt, the bigger people pleaser, she had the bigger FOO issues... .she would be very quick to criticise me for sharing things with her (eg my occasional depression, child issues, etc ) and was very judgmental about me, yet was happiest when I sat with her for hours and acknowledged her hurt without any judgement.

She also NEVER apologised (or rarely, and usually only if I pointed out she hadn't).

I recently found out my partner cheated on me, she has said several times that she 'is sorry that she hurt me' but cannot see why that doesn't help me and that I cannot move on with the relationship if she doesn't feel sorry, I don't think she is capable of saying it - or in fact, isn't sorry at all.

Spot on.
I think it's an NPD trait again.

And also, if I ever did apologise for anything - I wasn't allowed to address whatever the underlying issue was.
It had to be "Sorry"
and not "Sorry, the reason I felt like x, was because of y".

I recall once, she woke up me up for sex at like 4am, she'd been on her phone.
I had a strong impression, that she was fantasizing about somebody else while having sex with me.

I didn't attack her about this, I just asked her at a later stage if that was the case.
She didn't answer Yes or No - She just went hysterical crying, so I never got an answer.
It was my counsellor, who helped me to realise that that was a diversionary tactic - and more routine than I had realised also.

I learned that with them there is no real "sorry" or "I understand".

I don't think I ever heard a "sorry". But he did listen to me at one point when I was depressed. Then he brought that up for years, every time he needed something from me... .money, sex, sex with others, support for his depression, his diagnoses, me to cook for him, to forgive him for cheating... .and so on.

He honestly always brings it up: "I made you feel better, you should do this for me".

Again. And again... .and again.

Don't think he ever really gave me anything for free... .but he demands me to support him, love him (but let him have other lovers), cook for him... .and yeah. Basically he doesn't want a girlfriend or a wife. He wants a mother. A mother that loves you, even if you don't say sorry.

This is a stereotypical NPD trait


Very succinct description of the overall BPD experience imo.