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My therapist said my ex was projecting in our last convo before nc.  I didn't really get how so maybe someone can explain it.  Ex broke my heart and I love her so much still.  The last time I saw her it had been months since we had seen each other cause she had pushed me away.  I was so happy she reached out that I cried.  I couldn't believe my love came back.  I kissed her, told her I loved her... .cuddled with her all night.  She cut me off four days after she brought me back.  A week passed and I reached out asking why and she went on saying I hate her, I hated every minute of being with her during a panic attack she had.  I couldn't believe it! Nothing could have been further from the truth.  I was never rude and I loved being in her arms... .I told her I felt home.  Any insight?

Hi Lisalisa75 

"Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviours, or feelings by attributing them--often in an accusing way--to someone else." (p.52, 2010)
https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells

These qualities that are attributed by the pwBPD are very often qualities that they themselves do not want. It's thought that these qualities are the ones that the pwBPD struggles with the most.

You said "I reached out asking why and she went on saying I hate her, I hated every minute of being with her during a panic attack she had". I think the projection here is the pwBPD's hate for the pwBPDs behaviour during the "panic attack".

Stepping away from the projection, would you mind describing what this means to you?
What is this truth you speak of?

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The main board discussion on projection is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Hi there... .thanks for the response!  Nothing could be further from the truth... .basically I showed her nothing but love... .not hate... .I held her in my arms and told her on repeat she will be ok and I loved her... .I loved being with her... .did not hate every minute

BPD involves a deep seated belief system of believing ones self to be ultimately bad - and projecting feelings around that belief system onto others.

imagine that you believe you are ugly - not just hard on yourself, but believe it the same as you believe the sky is blue. if i came along and tried to convince you otherwise, its going to sound off, and make you uncomfortable. it may even come off as insincere.


she feels/felt like a burden, may have felt embarrassed, and she felt that way to the extreme, to the point of interpreting you as hating every minute of being with her during a panic attack.

we all do this to an extent. you walk into a room and feel self conscious, you imagine everyone is staring at you, and the negative things they might be thinking. you may or may not rationalize that its in your head. in this case (her case), you dont; feelings = fact.

Further to what once removed shared about the feelings of the pwBPD--Lisalisa75 can you share more about what these panic attacks look like? What are they about and what do you do when they happen?

It was just one panic attack because she got high and then anxious.  I held her in my arms, took her outside for air, held her again and kept telling her it will be ok and I love her and I am not leaving and did things to take her mind off of it (funny videos, card game) and just kept kissing her forehead and promising her that she will be ok, until she was and then I tucked her in and made sure she could fall asleep.

Sounds more like her fear of engulfment was triggered to me; a PWBPD craves a close, intimate relationship, problem is when you get too close they push you away because they fear loosing themselves and you seeing who they think they are and abandoning them. Once you are too far away their fear of abandonment is triggered and they pull you back. The push/pull is devastating to us, and their "borderline" is always moving depending on their feelings so we can't have a healthy balance.

You think so?  She seemed like she just didn't care... .not like she was overwhelmed more like just shut down and turned off any feelings because she liked her life without me

Ok. That sounds like it's describing one episode. I think in context, everyone has bad days sometimes. I don't think people have "panic attacks" often though. Some people are more emotionally reactive or sensitive than others. Some pwBPDs have episodes several times a day that may involve very physical conflict. I don't mean to dull down the severity of the matter in the relationship, I'm just drawing some context.

Are there behaviours in a relationship that you do not want, if given a choice?

Can you share your thoughts about your expectations of her, after the episode?

Can you embellish on this heart-break incident?