BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I have gained so much support from reading this site. In a nutshell I have one sister 2 years older than me and truly believe she is a high functioning BPD. We always had tumultuous relationship where I thought it was normal sibling behaviour where we fought a lot but we were still very close and now realise this was just the splitting and I hate you don't leave me game I was experiencing. She moved away from home soon after university and lived the high life in the media world which is very shallow and I don't think that helps, she has always been addictive in her spending and drinking. I have always bailed her out at various points, she didn't drive so I would be the one that she depended on for a lot eg lifts and moving, she then went travelling around the world and came back with lots of debt so I helped her out a lot by basically taking out a loan for her to clear her debts and she started paying me back 5 years after returning because she had no job but also wouldn't just take anything as she wanted the 'perfect'  well paid job. She had to come home to live with me and my mom and it was hell. Either I was evil and my mom was on the good side or the other way round. If she had a bad day she was a horror to deal with. I spent my life walking on eggshells with no gratitude that I had helped her, anything you did for her was thrown back in your face eg she tells me she hates me but then wants a lift somewhere and I oblige. She is 37, never had a stable relationship, analyses everything, rages at you if she feels wronged and is like a dog with a bone about most things in an argument. She won't ever apologise but I used to have to say sorry just to keep the peace. Last year I got married and that's when things really got bad in the run up, I was moving to a new city and she upped the ante as they say, to the point of sabotaging anything to do with it. Eg criticising anything to do with my hen which was abroad and accusing my friend who was organising most of it of leaving her out of emails on purpose and other rubbish even though she knows my friend well and was even put up by her when she needed a place to stay a few years ago. Saying to me that the restaurant she had chosen looks 'sh*t' to my face before the hen. I then had a small hen in my homecity that I let my sister organise which I was looking forward to as sort of my farewell party.  She got so drunk before the evening dinner  I had to put to bed at the hotel and leave my own hen and meet them later. By this time the whole evening went down hill because there was no one to move things along so basically she ruined it. She apologised but I don't buy it as she wasn't really bothered because she left me to go on a date the next day!My now husband was so angry. Then the day after my wedding she started a drama because she had to make her own way home as other family had left earlier which was no big deal but she had to tell me how pissed off she is about it, the day after my wedding!She has a drink problem and in the past had bulimia. She is apparently now seeing a counsellor and has seen about three others before that but it seems that she just tells them what she wants and likes to play the victim. When she rages she is vile, swears at me and my mom and brings out the worst in me where I was doing the same to some extent because I couldn't get my point across. Now I've moved away I think I see things more clearly but she hasn't changed, she moved out at the same time and she knows I've distanced myself and tries to reel me in saying that I don't care enough about her because I won't text her back or call her or if I don't put kisses or other stuff that don't meet her standards on communication, she pulls me up about it eg she got dumped and I said sorry to hear that but went into a rage with me because I didn't tell her she was amazing person and it's his loss etc... .I feel like she wants more than I can give her because I can be civil but I feel so let down by her behaviour when I needed her most I can't just play nice again and she knows it. I'm now pregnant and feel I don't want the stress. I've let my friends organise my baby shower and she's invited but didnt want her to ruin something else for me. Anyways it's hard to not feel guilty that I am wrong as  she comes across as so sweet and charming to everyone else,even to my husband who sees through it all. She is such hard work and I feel a lot of resentment towards her. My mother also has a difficult relationship with her, but is torn because my sister has no one else other than a couple of 'good' friends not just fake acquaintances through her media work so just puts up with her outbursts and disrespect. I have responded to her if she gets in touch but don't bother contacting her otherwise. Has anyone else had a similar struggle with close family? I feel sorry for her at times but know deep down she won't accept any responsibility if I tell her so I'm stuck with feeling guilt, anger, upset and drained if I go back to being 'normal' with her but can't cut her out completely. Please help!

Welcome Chania:    
Congrats on your pregnancy |iiii  I'm sorry about the problems you have with your sister.    

I have a sister that is 2 years older than me and have problems with her as well.  Sorry to hear that therapy isn't going well for her.  

My sister has gotten antidepressants from her primary care doctor, but that's the extent of her treatment.  She indicated, before we went to no contact, that her doctor suggested she get counseling.  Her position was that she didn't need counseling.  As many times seems to be the case, someone else in the family goes for therapy to try and figure out what is going on.  It took me going to therapy to learn that my sister is likely a high-functioning BPD.
Same with my sister.  The rage starts, she gets into name calling, goes down a long list of everything she has ever disliked about you (can seem like from the beginning of time, ).  I now understand that the only thing to do is remove your self from the situation and don't engage.  It's a "no-win situation" until some time has passed and the rage passes.

I have a similar situation with my sister.  She presents as a wonderful church-going woman, to her church friends.  It was hard for me to understand how she could be so awful to me. What I came to understand is that people with BPD (pwBPD) tend to hold in their bad emotions and dump them where they feel safe, usually with family.  

Another unpleasant issues is that pwBPD tend to do a smear campaign on others.  My sister has done that with her church friends.  :)uring her last rage event, before I went NC, she told me that her church friends tell her that I'm jealous of her.  

Reading about  FOG   (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog) (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) could be helpful for you.


I can relate. My sister really went off the rails when both our parent's health began to fail, and we lost both of them within a 6-month period.  My sister  SPLIT   (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) me black when we first were forced to work together in regard to our parents and various situations.  The first hint that something was radically wrong, was when we started to discuss helping our elderly parents acquire some assistance devices for their home.

In earlier years, I had limited contact with my sister.  She went through a horrible divorce and there was always drama. We always had contact during family gatherings (and prep for gatherings).  Other than that, we had a couple face-to-face contact during the year and occasionally a phone call between family events.  Until now, I didn't think about going into a limited contact situation, it just evolved from my instincts to avoid conflict.

Some people change their level of contact with the BPD in their life.  Just because you choose to go no contact (NC) for a period of time, doesn't mean it has to be permanent.  You can fluctuate between NC and LC, as needed.  

You can't change your sister.  You can only change yourself.  By using some specific skills and changing the way you interact with your sister and react to her, you can make things better for you.  If you go to the large green band at the top of the page, you will see a "Tools" menu.  That can be a good place to start with some of the lessons.  You will find that boundaries and validation can be useful tools.

Some people like to practice some of the skills and get feedback on how to apply them to their specific situation.  Check out some of the tools and let us know what you think.

Hi, Chania, and welcome!

It sounds like you have done a lot of your sister's work for her over the years, financially, emotionally, and even physically. Being a good sister or a good person doesn't mean letting her needs dominate your life. Taking care of your own needs and feelings is important, too. And now, you have a child to prioritize. I understand you feel guilty about including her less, but it sounds like you feel that is what you need to do in order to take care of yourself and your own family. It's not wrong. Your happiness doesn't have to be tied up with or dependent on your sister's.

Have you ever thought about talking with a counselor about the ways your sister's behavior has impacted your life? That can help as we learn to incorporate new skills, such as taking care of our own Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries).

I look forward to hearing more from you when you're ready.

Wishing you peace,

PF