BPDFamily.com

Should my exbf try to reconnect with me, is there a way I can approach the subject of him having BPD and getting treatment that won't cause him to bail again?

That's typically a really touchy subject and it might come across as your judging him which can quickly trigger fears of rejection/not being good enough which jumps right into the abandonment fears. It is, generally, not recommended.

The article Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy) discusses this more fully.

It also provides a link to a video series on how to best approach it.

  hey msj,

So what Meili said and gave you the link for will give you some reasons why it's difficult to suggest these things.  

I know there are a million ideas and feelings going through you.  I am barely two months out my relationship, and I didn't know about BPD, AT ALL, until afterwards.  My instincts told me to run to her and fix her. What I forgot was me.  

I was spinning, in shock, and completely lost.  I couldn't help myself, never mind someone else. And that someone else is a far more difficult and complex person than I have ever met.  

I do not want to suggest you should not think of helping them.  But to stop and really look at why you want to. And REALLY suggest you step back and breathe.

You do not need to do anything but there for you. It's ok.  
Can you tell me about what else you need to be responsible for right now?

Job, home, family?  

The information provided thus far is really great. I want to share my experience with getting ex to get some kind of help. He was adamant that counseling wasn't good for him. He told me flat out, "How is counseling going to help? I can tell them whatever I want them to hear."

I let it go.

He tried to get me to back down on some stuff and I asked him, "Why should I believe that this time is going to be any different? What have you done differently than you have been doing? From where I am sitting, it looks like nothing has changed. I am not going to back down on anything until you do something different."

In your situation (not currently connected with him!), you really aren't in any position to encourage him to get treatment.

If he does reach out to reconnect with you, it will likely be tentative, and any hint of trying to get him into treatment will probably scare him off immediately, so I don't recommend it. (Unless you want to keep him scared off!)

In this unlikely set of circumstances, you could try:

1. He reaches out to reconnect.

2. You choose to get back into a r/s with him, assuming he won't get treatment or get better than he is already.

3. This works for a while, and he starts to trust you enough that you could attempt it. (After reading up on how best to communicate this to him!)

Well between my therapist, a friend with BPD that is treated and my psych doc, they've told me it's highly likely he'll contact me at some point.  Right now I'm working on me though and trying to detach.  I really love and miss him though.  If he were to come back today, I have to admit I'd want to try but there would be conditions to that.  He would have to go to treatment.  As much as I love him, I can't let him do to me what he did to me this past month again.  It's either he go or I have to let him go for my own well being.  My friend gave me all the info so I have it of how to set it up, who to contact, where to go etc... .if I needed it

He was having panic attacks, anxiety and slight depression back in the beginning of November.   He was really stressed out by a job and left one day and went to ER thinking he had a heart attack and he called me.  I get there and the ER doc explained very gently that he thought a visit with a psychiatrist would be helpful and my ex was very cooperative and open to that.  We talked about it and he was willing and wanted to go and for me to help him and be present because he said I understood and could explain what's been going on to the doctor better than he can.

Problem was he had to leave that job.  He was let go basically I think for being a drama queen and overly emotional and angry at that job. Was feeling singled out and picked on and quite frankly handled it like he was a little kid.  Anyway he did find another job right away but he had to wait for insurance to kick in.  I work a week on and then a week off and between that and preparing for the holidays, in December I couldn't constantly give him attention or set up his appointments until his insurance kicked in.  On 12/29 he told me he wanted a plan in place for me to move in with him. By 12/31 I was replaced and other than get raved at the following day, I haven't heard from him.  So I never got a chance to get everything in place for him to see a doc.

So I'm approaching this question from the point of view that he wanted some help and seemed sincere about it at the time.  Of course if he contacted, I'd have to reevaluate his state of mind.

In that case, I'd validate the idea of getting treatment if he brings it up. And perhaps I'd look for a good name/number to give him who has some experience with BPD, if you want to give him somebody to call.

Telling him about BPD is far more likely to blow up than go well.


Going to treatment doesn't work magic. If he's only doing it because of your condition, he probably won't be fully invested in it, and probably won't get results. Even if he is committed to it, this is a long, difficult process.

I'd focus instead on his behavior. I don't recall your story of what he did the past month... .but protecting yourself from that is a much better focus. Maybe you are willing to give him one more shot, letting him know that any repeats will be the end forever. Or maybe you can't even take that risk.

I think enrolling in a DBT class together to "fix the relationship" is really the most straight forward way to get this ball rolling.

A comment often made on the Detaching board is the pwBPD needs to be in intensive, long term therapy, but there may be more naivety than knowledge in this. Intensive sounds like electrodes, and straight jackets, and collapsing in tears and shame.

(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/nJcZuMzjdCs/hqdefault.jpg)
Up the wattage, he didn't scream loud enough
We're healing him now!

Most of the partners here are subclinical BPD - on the low end of severity. DBT is interesting and can even be fun (well, lets say not threatening). Like CBT, its not inward focused (you are a wretched life wrecker), its outward focused (respond this way so that you don't upset your boss).

I'm not making light of this. It's a serious disorder. But there is a spectrum and this is far more effective than couples therapy.

If your partner is in and out of institutions, that is a different matter all together.

Grey Kitty I think you can search for my original post by my username correct?  I've only made maybe 15 posts all on this board and joined recently.  The story is long and absolutely flabbergasting.  It shouldn't take much to find it.  Basically to sum it up, he was loving right up until the end.  No indication at all that anything between us was less than loving.  In fact he behaved so in love with me, he told me directly he wanted me to move in and set a plan in place and he wanted a future with me and that he'd love me forever.  By the next evening I was cut off.   The day after that after ignoring my texts and calls, he posted pics on FB of him and another woman.  By the day after that he called me raving, just full of rage saying he hated me, never wanted to see me again, that he found someone new, he didn't owe me an explanation, and if I were in front of him he would bash my face in and if he ever saw me in public he'd bash my face in.  I mean he completely flipped to telling me he wanted to be with me forever to literally the next night cutting me, replacing me and then that phone call.  We weren't fighting or anything.  He behaved madly in love with me the 9 months we were together.  And then I found out he had a dating profile up for a month already lining up my replacement at the same time pushing for a bigger commitment from me.  I just don't get it.  I don't understand why he was so angry and what prompted my sudden cut off of all contact.  I don't understand why I was replaced.  It just really hurts that he'd just out of the blue throw me aside and for what reason?

Hey mjss,  I have read the rest of your posts. It's really hard to deal with such an abrupt and radical change in behavior.  I really want you to see that HIS bahvior is not because of anything you did or even didn't do.  In simple terms, his emotions run at say a 7, with the anxiety and panic attacks being part of a "cycle". In higher functioning people with BPD, their traits can be in the background until a relationship opens their fears of abandonment to a critical mass. Taking up their emotiond and reactions to 11 even over common everyday interactions. They perceive things differently and feel judgement and comments in far more serious and complex ways then they really are. For example, their boss might comment about them being 5 minutes late for work, and they will hear, YOUR ALWAYS LATE FOR WORK, and you are a horrible. They don't show it or talk about it, they don't express how this makes them feel, because they can't. They don't process it. When they go their loved one for support, they don't know how to express it and feel slight d even further, while the loved one is clueless to any of this.  They just see a stressed person having panic attacks.

They often prepare their "escape" to a replacement and then either manufacture to take the smallest disagreement to use to leave their relationship and make the non-BPD partner feel left with the blame. Because all their emotions have built into a way that they cannot deal with anything. The people closest to them ALWAYS feel the brunt, and get the most viopcious and cold treatment.

Now, that said.  Are you dealing with the hurt and pain ok?  I know for me there was a period of shock, and then the emotions caved in on me.  I too once I put the puzzle of BPD in place wanted to help my ex because I knew her, and loved her and could see she was in distress.  But what I ignored was how I was feeling. And by feeling, I mean totally ignoring myself and the panicked state I was in.

Do you know any of his history with relationships and jobs before you?

Well ynma, he's had numerous jobs according to him and this latest job was the 3rd in the 9 months we were together. 

I'm coping and stable with the help of EMRD therapy for PTSD.  The shock of this and all the other emotions conjured up a lot of my own fear of abandonment and from my upbringing.  It's time to deal with it.  I have me now all to myself so it's time to defeat my own demons and lay them to rest once and for all. 

As far as his past relationships go, he was pretty vague.  In hindsight I realize he gave me answers without really answering me.  According to his sister, he's never had a healthy relationship.  He's done this before according to her and she said to me this one he's in now won't last.  I just wish I had known all that. 

I still wonder though if our bond meant anything to him.  We got so close.  At least I thought so.  I was the one he told his family about and he wanted me to meet them.  I guess maybe I had some significance.  His family didn't hear about other women from him like he did with me I guess for a really long time.  Sometimes I feel like this has all been one long bad dream... .

The kicker with BPD or even just traits and relationships is that the CLOSER and more intimate they get, the more the push/pull response is triggered. They do everything to get close and then all of a sudden they do anything to get away.

It's difficult to have memories of them telling us they loved us, and then so quickly do something so drastic.

It's great to see you dealing with your feelings taking care of yourself.  It sounds like you have been through a lot and I'm happy you have shared your story.  
You will get through this, and it will get easier.  

Ynwa