BPDFamily.com

My alcoholic sister was diagnosed with BPD two years ago. She was always attention seeking and dramatic growing up, but an excellent student, successful in her early career. Her drinking became problematic in her mid-20s and her life deteriorated with divorce and job loss. When she reached her late 40s, her BPD behaviors abruptly escalated.

Her drinking is out of control. Her marriage is on the rocks, and her teenage daughter moved in with family friends and went LC. She receives disability, but her financial situation is precarious with the impending divorce. Our parents are elderly and have washed their hands of her. My sister moved to a part of the country distant from us, hoping to get treatment at a facility for people with addiction combined with other mental health issues.

My sister blames her illnesses for her abusive outbursts, the failure of her relationships, etc. but she can't understand that while it is not her fault that she has BPD or an addiction, she is still responsible for what she says and does. She wants treatment but does everything she can to sabotage it. Referrals disappear, she skips classes, vanishes off wait lists she was supposedly on for months... .right now she's in a program for complex trauma run by volunteers, nurses, and religious figures, all with experience managing addiction but none is a therapist experienced with BPD.

She has no ability to regulate her emotions, and looks to others to do this for her. She has only her husband, me and a handful of remaining friends. Her dysregulation is huge - lying, manipulative behavior, triangulation, etc. - all exacerbated by her drinking. She has attempted suicide twice, threatens it regularly. Her need for emotional support erupts in the evening and on weekends; she will call/message all of us, sobbing, lashing out and clinging for support until she either rides out the storm of emotions or passes out. We've all read Walking on Eggshells and many other BPD books and do our best to validate her emotions without validating her behavior. Sometimes that helps, sometimes she becomes more wound up because she recognizes the technique. We won't give her what she's really seeking which is for everyone to tell her that's okay for her do whatever she wants to whoever she wants because life has dealt her a crappy hand.

While she treats me relatively well, her behavior has become more combative since I told her she could not come to visit my home until she had a few months of successful treatment/sobriety under her belt. She was enraged by this boundary and stopped talking to me for a few weeks - the peace was incredible. Then she "forgave" me and came back, and I've been struggling ever since.

My challenge is that if I don't take my turn responding to her cries for help, the burden falls back on the others in her life. My soon to be ex-brother-in-law bears the brunt of this and will sometimes message me for help after a few hours of texts and calls, begging for me to "deal with her" for a hour so he can get a break or get on with his work.

Other than these three or four kind friends, there's no one I can turn to for practical help with her - I feel very guilty that they already do so much to help her now. With her divorce approaching, there are a lot of real-life issues to deal with - if she doesn't get a reasonable financial settlement out of it, she will be poverty stricken in no time flat and may end up either homeless or literally on my doorstep. My therapist doesn't have a lot of experience with BPD and advises to ignore her messages unless she threatens suicide - and then just call the authorities. Of course, when they arrive, she sends them away saying it's a crank call or insisting she's fine.

I love my sister very much. But I feel like I'm swimming through the ocean with a drowning person clutching at me. 

I've set up good boundaries around her physical presence in my life in order to protect my own family - how can I set up "virtual" and emotional boundaries without having the other people in her life (including my poor niece, who has suffered enough) pay the cost? I would so appreciate tips and ideas from others.

Hi junebug1929 and welcome to  bpdfamily

The situation with your sister sounds very difficult indeed. It is sad that her disorder causes her to behave this way.


I understand your concerns for how any changes you might make could potentially also affect other people involved. Boundaries are indeed very important when dealing with disordered family-members as they help us protect ourselves and preserve our own well-being. You setting boundaries with your sister will change the dynamics of your relationship with her, which could lead her to seek out other people more. Everyone is responsible for his or her own boundaries though, so my advice would be for you to focus on you own boundaries. This does not mean that you can't be caring though, but boundaries will help you be caring without totally taking care of others.

There is also a child involved, her teenage daughter and I get why you would be particularly concerned about how all of this affects her. On one of our other boards (Co-Parenting) we have some resources that I think can also be helpful to you when interacting with your niece, particularly the ones in Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459):

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203238.0)

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648)

TOOLS: Child development and parents with mental illness (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167128.0)

POLL: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93196.0)

You mentioned that your niece moved in with family friends and is LC with her mother. How long has she been living with those family friends?

Take care and again welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

Dear Board Parrot,

Thank you for your kind welcome and words of encouragement.

My niece has been living with friends for a year - she graduates from high school this summer and will be off to college in the fall. (They live on the other side of the country, so coming to me was not feasible. She has stayed with me in the past while my sister was in previous rehab programs.) She pours much of her focus into her school work. The family friends who took her in are nothing short of saints, which is part of what makes it hard to take a break. I mean, they took in a teenager who isn't even theirs for a year and a half! It seems petty to complain about my lot in the face of that kind of sacrifice.

That said, I recognize I need some kind of break from the constant drama, negativity and need for external emotional support. How does one go about taking a break from a BPD relative? It feels like communication is needed (otherwise, she would probably call the police to find me). Maybe something like "I know you've been experiencing tough times lately, and I want to support you as best I can. But I'm struggling with anxiety and feeling overwhelmed when you share your fears about your impending divorce, your health concerns and your future. In order for me to maintain my emotional equilibrium, I need to take a break from communicating for a few weeks. I appreciate this might be upsetting, but it is necessary for me right now. I suggest we reconnect and re-evaluate the situation next month."

I assume this would be followed by a need to block her on social media and other communications methods as she may bombard me with angry messages, suicide threats, etc. I'd need to tell the rest of the support folks so that they could be ready. And I'd expect her to not be willing to reconnect until she was ready - when she goes no contact with me, it's usually in a fit of rage. It lasts a few days, then she'll contact me to remind me that we're no contact. I have to laugh at the absurdity of it.

I'm not sure if there's value in putting a time frame around it - I don't think she'll be any better in a month. But I continue to hope that she might get into a treatment program that will work in addressing both her BPD and her addiction at the same time.

Thanks for welcoming me - it's good to talk with others who understand.

Hi junebug! So glad you reached out, and by your questions I can tell that you are a very caring, in-tune person who really "gets it" and is able to respond effectively to this disorder. I also have a BPD sister, and it's the most difficult and painful thing, and your description fits us to a T! I feel like I could have written your story!

Just remember that you are only responsible for YOU and your emotions. While it's awesome that you want to be there to help your sister and the people in her life, ultimately if you are drained you won't be much help to anyone... .So self-care will be KEY in this battle for sure!

As far as taking some time & space, I don't think you need to explain yourself to BPDsis. She won't get it, and it will most certainly set her off. But maybe warning the others that you are taking a brief break would be wise, since there may be some fallout they have to deal with. I usually just play the "busy" card with my BPDsis when I need a break... .That way she can only play her own drama in her head, and I haven't officially told her I need a break from HER! Does that make sense? The dysregulation is a tricky beast, so you don't want to give food to the bear.

It sounds like you're doing a great job in managing your BPDsis, and your boundaries are strong and well thought out. That's so great, I hope someday I can be where you are with that!

It seems like the best you can do for your family is to be there... .really BE there for your niece. She is lacking a real mom, and while you can never replace that, being a Angel in that role can help her deal with some of the normal struggles of teen/early adult years. Yes, she is very blessed to have a stable family to stay with, that will make all the difference for her long term! At least you have allies you are in this battle with... .Together you can lift each other up and keep each other sane. Best of luck to you!

I feel that way so often when I read this board - I'm shocked at how similar the stories are. The same behavioral patterns are repeated over and over.

Thank you very much for your encouraging words. I've ramped down my communication with my sister for now. She's in a bit of a good phase at the moment, so I'm taking this time to catch up on my rest and calm my mind. It's much easier to think and plan when you're not in the midst of a hurricane!

I think this is very wise indeed |iiii Taking good care of yourself is very important as Charlie3236 rightly points out. Something that might help you calm your mind and help you focus, is mindfulness and meditation. Have you perhaps ever practiced this before?

Take care and stay calm! :)

The Board Parrot

I have - I took a course in mindfulness meditation to help deal with a stressful period in my life, and it helped a lot. Interestingly, it's a practice they've taught my sister in her treatment stints and she's also found it beneficial. With all the pressures of our lives, it's hard to clear that space in the schedule, but I need to find a way to do that. I find walking is also a useful tool - it's a free activity and gets me fresh air and exercise (which can only help in the sleep department), but admittedly, it's hard to keep my mind off "solving" problems.

My sister has an opportunity to get fast tracked into a really great program but now says she's reconsidering going to it because she wants to pursue something else (that is not focused on her health or sobriety). Now might be a good time to practice that mindfulness.

Thanks for the suggestion, Board Parrot!