BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I'm so glad I found this group. I have so many questions.

Anyway. My H wBPD seems to have this cycle of not making the greatest decisions of when it comes to being responsible.

Examples:

He has a new bold idea every week. He puts some effort into starting it. Finds some reason why it isn't working out. He usually finds blame in everyone else as to why it doesn't. If it is something he has shared with me; he will blame me if I don't jump in fast enough. Or if it is something he didn't involve me in, he will blame me for not supporting him.

He is capable of getting good paying jobs. Turns them down. Always finds some reason why. He would rather pay loads of money to get different licenses, take classes, invest in equipment. Tell everyone about his plans. But yet, won't follow through. Blames everything else.

He would put off paying a gas bill to take a last minute trip. Then complain about how he couldn't get any help to pay the bill. But doesn't regret the trip because he felt he deserved it.

Only in his rare moments of truth will be admit to things being his own fault. But yet, in the same breath will blame someone else for his hard ships. He will also say that he is doing all these things to become a better provider one day.

I love my husband. I want to see him thrive in whatever he believes he can do.  I'm really shocked that I am what is considered be "co-dependent". I'm trying to work through that. I guess that's why I'm somewhat looking for ways to deal with him.

I'm really trying to understand if this is just him being completely incompetent of taking on the normal adult roles of responsibilities due to distorted thinking. Is this common for pwBPD? Or is he just a man who  doesn't want to be much more than a busy bum?

Being married to a pwBPD, I'm I suppose to just carry on my life as if he is just a roommate and not someone I can expect to be what is traditional is a couple partnering together. Which ever direction the wind blows, his mind follows. Leaving me with trying to come up with money to pay his half of the rent.

I don't know what to think at times.

Hi Shawna76,

I read your other thread here and my impression is "magical thinking." On his part.

My BPD mother was always about the "side businesses" (MREs or "outer space food" is the first one I remember when I was a kid around the first shuttle launch). This never changed over the subsequent 30+ years.  My uBPDx is into entrepreneurship. She's joined an MLM, not concentrating upon her core competency and career. I encouraged her to pursue that,  but she was hung up on not having a B.A. despite implicit job offers by those who didn't care about that because they were impressed by her competence. Didn't matter to her.   My ex'said older brother is like this,  too.  He finally settled into a skilled trade near 40, after blowing off two major career opportunities in his early 20s. He's very intelligent, but unwise. 

A core emotion of pwBPD is shame: "I'm a bad person,  undeserving of... ." fill in the blank. This is opposed to guilt:"I did something wrong." The latter is an action or behavior; former, the core of who we are,  our identity.  Shame is one of the core feelings of a pwBPD. 

It's tough to have a secure r/s with someone who's thinking is opposite ours. I sense that you value security, as do I. It may seem obvious to you what the right path is for him (maybe focus on one thing and progress from there), but he doesn't see it that way.  I'm just throwing this all out there,  but does the shame angle make sense?

T

pretty well sums up typical BPD behavior. When you first meet they are full of ideas and plans for the future, which at the time you believe (because they mean it), eventually though you get the idea.

Its not the ideas that are the problem it is cyclic nature of backing out. They like the glory of the idea, but the actual chore of doing wears thin soon, then they quit before they fail.

Is water wet?

About 10 years ago H finally got into working full time.  To his credit, even through some very tough instances, including one boss who I feel had even worse BPD than him and painted him black, he's stuck with it.  He's changed jobs about 3 times in that 10 years, once for advancement, and once to get away from the abusive boss, so I want to give him the credit due for being as steady as he can.

That said, previously he'd imply he was too good, too creative, to waste his time working an 8-5 grind (but it was perfectly fine for people like me).  He had plans to start in indie film, various writing projects, painting, etc.  he IS very creative, and talented, and ahs some really good ideas a person with a strong drive could make something work... .but his own shame shuts him down, and like others with BPD, he never really finishes a project (unless it's one I am also working on, and I can step in, or need it and can't "let it fail".)  He'd spend hours brainstorming with other creative types, only to get frustrated when they'd be just a poor on follow though as he is. 

This current job has some down time during many of the work days, and I've been trying to encourage him to at least spend a little time writing.  I've always tried to be supportive, because to be honest unless he's sinking large amounts of cash into it, the only person hurt by the grass is greener is him, and my invalidation of those desires just makes them stronger.  So I try to support, encourage, and hope he may actually finish something so he can finally have that under his belt.

I've also in the last few months realized a big part of it, of the "magical thinking" is that he craves large amounts of external validation and adoration.  He wants to be famous for creating something, for leaving his mark on the world.  We have chosen to not have children (in my case, partly because as a child of people with BPD, I cannot in good conscience plan to have a family with one.  And I am almost 40 - having a first child is very difficult and risky - possible, but risky for me and the child, and I can't face that). 

Anyway - he want's fame and a lasting legacy, and he feels a creative pursuit should make him famous and will give him all that adoration and validation he feels deprived of.    he DOES stress to me that he plans to "work as long as he can", but that he will most likely need something to "fall back on" when he's fired/let go/can't take it anymore and has to stop.  I try to validate these feelings, and not freak out on him (do I get to just stop feelings like working and tell you that you get to hold the bag for both of us?  No.  Because I get to be the grownup all the time, not just when I feel like it)

Hi 

This is so funny that you all have the same "kind" of experience with pwBPD, my husband who has BPD is SUPER responsible, organized, and a control freak in every aspect of his life. I guess they are all different? :)

Thats the extremes. My wifes mother is like that. Almost as though it is an extreme coping mechanism to avoid them falling into the structureless trap of dysfunction. Have you looked into Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD NOT OCD, ). It is even less well known than BPD, but I am sure you will recognise it in someone you know.

Hi Shawna76,

I would agree with your statement about some pwBPD "have this cycle of not making the greatest decisions of when it comes to being responsible" and it can take on many forms. Your examples resonate with me quite closely. My pwBPDu frequently has ideas of grandeur for earning a living, and feels that she cannot work a "traditional 9-5" so many times I have listened to these great new entrepreneurial ideas on ways she can make money from multiple revenue streams only to see these ideas fall by the wayside when the actual work involved is needed. Instead she will find "filing projects" or make busy projects because she is always overwhelmed. There is also an endless supply of blame on others, and I find I am set up to fail on her endeavors, on more occasions than not, after she shares them with me. By what you have written about in your experience and what I've read of others similar experiences, I would agree that this behavior is common among pwBPD (or similar personality structures like aPTSD) I have also noticed that there is a desire to "make a mark" or receive wide recognition (fame) I think isilme nailed it with "Magical Thinking" that resonates with me as well.

I'm sorry that you feel that you can "just carry on my life as if he is just a roommate and not someone I can expect to be what is traditional is a couple partnering together" It sounds to me like you want (are hoping) something different? Do think you could have a "traditional relationship" with this person at some point? I have been asking myself the same question... .