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I really have been struggling with this, I mean, I love her always, but when I'm in a good day, I grief her and miss her, but I know I did the right thing, I know I'm in a better place, I'm healthier, not walking on egg shells and free to do what I want to do.

On bad days however, it feels like I'm desperate, that I have lost the shine of my life, living in black and white and all the color is gone, that nothing will make me better other then her. I feel like she's my soul mate and I'll never find someone that I feel so connected to.

Today for example I didn't even want to leave the house or take a shower or interact with anyone whatsoever.

I just wonder if this was normal and wanted to get a perspective from you guys about how you are grieving your losses.

Hlinthewiking

Yes, you are normal.  Grieving the loss of a r/s, even a dysfunctional one, is difficult.  IMO, compared to other r/s', grieving a BP r/s has been multiples more painful.

I think there is something about this r/s style that plugs into early childhood stuff for us non's.  We get something from it that other r/s' do not give us and though the waters are turbulent, they are also comforting at some level of our psyche.

I think there are 2 parts to the process - both difficult.  One, just letting go and acknowledging,as you have done, that it was not good for us.  Second, figuring out what about the r/s has us so hooked.  Again, both hard to do and both take time. 

There is no "right" way to grieve and it takes as long as it takes.  Having this site helps us not to get stuck in that process and provides some insights into what got us locked in to begin with.

I was supposed to go away for Xmas and never did as it was my one year divorce anniversary and I just wanted to sleep - and so i did.  Feeling better now but it can be changeable.  And like you, I still love her and have times that I wonder if the best has already come and gone.

Overall this is what I can definitively say; over time the grieving is less frequent, less intense and less duration when it happens.  I can still get waves that wash over me, but they recede quicker than before.

You are on course to recover.  How long has it been for you?

For me its being like that... .
one month out of the r/s and somedays i can't even eat... .on other days i feel kinda ok.
I think its a process, for some people its faster and for other slower.
One thing i learned and maybe you can try to, is to not be too hard on yourself.
No matter how long it takes everybody will get out of this situation in a better place... .and with a lot of self knowledge.

For me... .each day i have better times than the last... .even if its only minutes, there will come the day she will not be on my mind every hour.

Everything your feeling is normal. Grieving the loss of a loved one is a process not an event. It takes time, everyday, the longer you maintain N/C the better you will feel. I had countless days I wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't eat, shower, just lay around and sleep. My mind wanders into why Xw and my replacement are still going strong after a year 1/2, but I can't stay in that place long or I will get lost. I tell my self we were a bad combination, I know how bad she treated me and that's all that matters. You will look back a year from now and say wow, look where I am compared to where I was.

I am coming on to two months since my separation and started NC a month ago. I think about her every day, I still have dreams about her most nights, as soon as I wake up I am thinking about her! I was in a relationship/marriage for ten years! How do you get over that? The last year was terrible, I was the monster and she detached completely for the entire year! While I tried and tried to fix things... .unbeknown to me at the time, had no idea about BPD that they were never going to be fixed! I really want to move on, but at times, most times, I am still stuck in thinking fondly of her, her nice side, which to be honest was not there that often specially in the last few years... .