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Im getting married this year and we have lots of things to do for the wedding as a couple of course. But my mom consistently has fear of abandonment (my dad passed away 3 yrs ago and i have one older brother with family of his own). It feels like i am the only one who will make my mom feel happy and getting married is not ok with her. If i were to tell her that we will be out for wedding prep she easily cry and telling me she will be alone. Though she likes my boyfriend a lot and we have been together for 7 yrs already. Even before my engagement,  my mom is focusing her attention to me as if i am the only one to make her happy. She has no social life and even detached her self to my brother. It is really hard for me to start a family of my own now with my mother making me feel guilty of me getting married and leaving her alone. Hope you could help me with this. I am so bothered with what is happening now.

Hi Princess Leia,

*welcome*

First off, congratulations on your upcoming marriage. That is very exciting! I can understand your being bothered by your mother's behavior. I have often felt that it was my job to make my mother happy, and yet the proof is that most of my life she hasn't been.

You've found a great place for support. There are tools and resources here that can really help your relationship with your mom—I'm thinking especially about communication skills.

Has your mom's abandonment issue just cropped up since your dad's passing, or was it always present?

heartandwhole

Hi Princess Leia 
I'd like to join Heartandwhole in welcoming you and congratulating you on your upcoming wedding.

Sorry that your mom is putting a damper on things. This is a time you would want your mom to share in your joy.

Planning a wedding is stressful. I'm sure the last thing you want to worry about is managing your mom, along with everything else. The only thing you will have control over is managing how you interact with your mom and how you react to her.  Learning certain skills and strategy can help you.

The lessons at the links below can be helpful for you. Check them out and let us know what you think.

FOG (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0)

BOUNDARIES (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

VALIDATION SKILLS (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

Thank you for the warm heartandwhole!    I appreciate your response on this. Actually her abandonment issues has been triggered when my dad passed away and at first since im the closest to my dad,  i deeply understand where she's coming from. I really miss my dad and until now it breaks my heart that he's not here. But i am just so bothered that she became somewhat selfish that she wants everyone to emphatize with her and understand her feelings. It came to a point that i need to leave everything behind just to please her. She is so hard to please and if we (my brother) did not meet her expectations she confronts us and make us feel guilty.

Yes, that is a difficult situation to be in. I can understand your feelings. I've had to learn that I'm not responsible for my mother's happiness, or anyone else's. When I really understood that, the guilt I was feeling diminished significantly.

Have you checked out the communication skills Naughty Nibbler linked? Sometimes a little validation goes a very long way. It has helped me a lot.

What does your fiancé think about your mom's demands?

heartandwhole