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NC for about two weeks now and I will be the first to admit that I have used the find my iphone app not to see where she is but to avoid having to see her at all.  Yesterday I was getting ready to go to the store so I checked, and she was in a motel.  In the middle of the day.  I suspected all the way in Oct that she was pining for her ex but then things took a strange turn with her employee.  THey hung out together a lot, talked a lot, and on Thanksgiving, my wife ditched me to go to this person's house.  Before NC, I asked her about it.  She denied.  I had told her that someone had seen her dancing with this person at a bar so she finally admitted that but backtracked and then said she was dancing close with her.  I knew she lied to me about her interest in this woman. 

I moved in December after her bullying me to do so.  She would very much escalate whatever the hell was bothering her at the moment about the kids or us.  She was doing this so I'd get fed up and leave... .which I did. 

Also before no contact, she texted and said she wanted to talk about our future and kids.  Well that was stupid and I should have known it was a ploy for her to do the exact opposite.  SHe just wanted to see if I'd be down for back up.

I lost it last night.  No, we are not together, but we are still married and I expect integrity where cheating is concerned.  File for divorce and then go do your thing.  I called the motel and asked to be connected to her room.  Yeap... .she's there.  In a motel 25 miles away.  They patch me through and she answers, but we were immediately disconnected, so I called back since i couldn't even say anything since the call was dropped.  The front desk lady asks me if I am calling from a cell, that sometimes the calls get dropped but that she would call the room to make sure the line is working and to call back.  I call back and get told that my wife isn't accepting calls.  Well of course not.  At this point I am beyond pissed off.  I don't deserve to be lied to or cheated on and her boundaries with soemone that works for her? 

Yes, you bet I did it.  I called my wife's boss and left a voice mail message telling her that my wife is having an inappropriate relationship with HER (my wife, the boss of her area) EMPLOYEE.  I said she needed to address this or I'd go to the board. 

ANd yes, I regret it.  But you know what?  7 years of eggshells, trying to make her happy, being recycled, going through so much crap JUST to cheated on has sent me over the edge.

Beyond that, I did not call the motel again, I did not show up there and break car windows like in the country songs, I am not trying to contact her today or any day forward, but she should have not been a coward and answered that phone to tell me the truth. 

I probably made myself look a little nutty but cheating?  After soo many promises to never cheat, that I was the special one, and just too many other promises to mention, this is who I am right now.  Angry!

My (ex)fiance cheated on me right after he moved in with me and my daughter.  I can't even describe how thrown off I felt.  Unfortunately, I reached for the bottle, ended 18 months of sobriety, and it took me almost 3 years to get back on the wagon.  Don't do what I did.

I don't think you look nutty.

How did it make you feel?

It has been 38 days since my exBPDbf left me for the replacement I later found out he had lined up a month in advance.  Only 2 days beforehand, we talked on the phone and he insisted that the following week when I was finally off work, that we were finalizing plans for me to move into his house.  He said he loved me and wanted me in his bed every night and to wake up to me every morning.  He said he wanted a future and a commitment from me.  He even had asked me about week beforehand if I'd get married again hinting it was on his mind.  2 days later, on 12/31 I got the sudden cut off and pictures of them posted on FB. All my texts and calls went unanswered.  Finally on the 3rd day, he called and went absolutely ballistic on me saying he hated me, never wanted to see me again and that if I were in front of him, he'd bash my face in.  My original post dates to back around the 20th-ish.  The whole long story is there and should be easy to find.  You will seriously wish you could give me a hug after reading it.  So how does one react to cheating and being brutally humiliated in front of everyone we know on social media?  Well, if your me... .YOU COMPLETELY F-ING FLIP OUT AND TOTALLY CONFIRM TO EVERYONE HE'S SAYING IT TO ALREADY THAT YOU ARE IN FACT CRAZY!

Seriously, it was bad.  I wrote him a letter, I pm'd his and her friends, his family, him and the new girl for days.  Called and texted until he changed his phone number.  Both them blocked me on FB.  I confronted them at a bar.  He called the police when I asked for my stuff back.  And then finally I hopped in my car and drove 800 miles to be with my best friend for only two days because I just couldn't take it here without my biggest supporter.  And honestly, if I didn't leave, I was tempted to drive to his house and burn down his garage with his uninsured Harley that's stored in there.

So yeah, I went a little off the deep end, .  But what does anyone expect when literally in a day or two your planning your future with someone, in fact they are insisting your doing so with them, they tell you they love you more than anything and want you with them forever and then turn around and violently cut you off to replace you with someone else?  I was absolutely crushed to be so callously tossed aside by the man who promised he would never hurt me.  The future I was dreaming about was gone suddenly just ripped away.  So I think reasonably, yeah anyone who really knows me, knows I'm not crazy and knows they probably would have flipped out too.

I swear the shock alone almost killed me!  It's not right.  It's not fair to do that to someone.  But I didn't know he had uBPD... .  I came home and after obsessing over FB continuously using my cousin's account and torturing myself, I realized I was gonna need major help on this one and called up my therapist who helped me through my divorce prior and now I'm receiving EMRD therapy to help with the PTSD and mania (I'm bi-polar) that this event brought out.  It's my visits with her and a couple of my psychiatrist that we determine through his behaviors the almost certainty that he has BPD.

And you know what?  I'm forgiving myself for the way I initially reacted.  It hurt like hell.  I was in shock.  I was scared and angry.  I hated him and I loved him and missed him all at the same time.  I cried and cried until I was dehydrated.  I couldn't eat or sleep.  I vomited a lot.  I called into work a few days.  I lost 15 pounds in a month!  So as far as I'm concerned, after being the cause of all that agony, he earned what he got from me.  He probably enjoyed it to my regret but I know him.  Whenever he does something dumb, he starts mulling it over at some point and realizes he caused serious consequences, and that's probably what will happen when this r/s ends, and then he regrets it later and experiences shame and loss.  It won't be for me those emotions, it's selfish because it's for him but he panics without someone consistent and he has no one now if that r/s ends.  Unless he lines up someone before painting her black too.

But now I'm MIA and when his current relationship implodes on itself and he looks around his house, he's surrounded by me from the drywall in his living room to the bedding to the bathroom towels to the garbage can in his kitchen, it's all me in that house.   He gets lonely really fast and tonight I just found out his gf recently couldn't spend a weekend with him recently so they went 3 weeks without seeing each other (because of distance, that's all they get which eventually won't be enough for him).  He doesn't like being told no.  He doesn't like it when someone enforces something that creates distance.    I'm the longest and closest r/s he's had in a long time.  And he lost out.   And I'm not going to count my chickens on it, but there's a certain part of me that kinda hopes he tries to recycle me so I have the opportunity to tell him where he can go and shove a new r/s of my own in his face. 

Wow, after rambling on like that, I think I finally hit the angry phase in the grieving process.  I was wondering if that was going to come yet, .

I had a feeling about it way before it was confirmed.

We were not married, we lived together in a property I owned and paid for. She made no financial contribution whatsoever, neeither in rent or bills or anything for that matter. She sponged off me like a leech. Once that boundary had been crossed, I changed the locks on the house, and moved her stuff into the garage and gave her 7 days in which to pick it all up.  The last of her things went 21 days later. I informed Utility companies/Council Tax etc as he name appeared on the bills to pursue her directly, I gave them her email address and mobile number.

For me it was all that I needed to finally remove her from my life. She was toxic, a pathological liar, one rule for her another for me, a emotional and financial leech, the list could go on.

Well over two years on - I am very happy, have a calm stress free life, and follow my gut instincts more than ever before.

Awesome, thanks for sharing  :)

No, you are not nutty.   You are reacting on your emotions. I've been there, I know how hard it is when you are cheated on, lied to and lied about to other people . The issue is this... .

When you look at what you did do you see it is as immature in any way?

I am not calling YOU immature but calling her boss, still tracking her on an app... .what makes that any better than what she is doing or what she has done?

I am two years removed from my ex. I did the "drive by's" the whole FB stalking (I was blocked when she callously dumped me for my replacement) so I created a 2nd profile to track her.

None of this helped me in my healing, it actually prolonged recovery.  Truth is this person sucks. My ex sucks and your ex sucks. They have poor character and treated us badly.
and that really, really sucked all around.

But you know what? If they are truly BPD whatever we do to "retaliate" or to make ourselves feel better... .

it doesn't hurt them. It only fuels their stories of us being the persecutor. It makes them stronger.

I am saying this to you not to condemn your actions. We are all human and as I mentioned, I've been there. Read my old posts... .my relationship was absolutely insane. Days of our Lives is more believable than the stuff I went through.

Thing is this... .I allowed it.  I didn't trust my gut instincts and walk away. I accepted someone treating me badly and that makes me no better than my emotionally dysfunctional ex.

I got a 2nd chance (lucky me) to go through a BPD "breakup" last year with a  friend. We didn't date, we were genuinely friends. This person is also a co-worker who went on a smear campaign at work. She threatened me and told my close co-workers falsehoods about me. Instead of reacting I ignored it.

Trust me, this is someone who was telling people I left "cat piss" on her desk. It was mortifying. I truly wanted to walk up to her and slap some sense into her. My BPD ex's sister also works with us and they amped this up together. This friend knew what I went through with my ex and used that to try to break me. She knew my ex's sister threatened me at work and that I was intimidated so she tried the same thing.
Some friend, huh?

Believe me, there were days I wanted to tell her where to go. We sit three seats from each other. She to this day walks by and greets everyone but me. It's childish, immature and you know what?

Let her be her.

Since my break up I have significantly advanced in my career. I am doing substantially better in my life than when I was friends with this person... .

and that eats at her everyday. She sees me managing people and heading up meetings while she pushes paper in a job she hates.

When you don't react, when you don't show your emotions to them it truly kills them inside.

But I don't want to hurt this person because they hurt me. I possess empathy and know I have the capacity to grow and thrive while she does not.

My ex cheated on me three times with exes during our relationship. Each time I took her back. I became her doormat, her back up plan. I put her ahead of me. Her, in massive debt, can't keep a job, hypochondriac, and me, doing very well, no debt and a beautiful life in comparison. 

You need to remove yourself from her actions. She did what she did. Now, it's all about you. Why do you feel as you do? What are you doing to get past it? If she truly has BPD she will likely stay the same. You have the capacity for happiness where she does not. Why pine over a cheater?

I guarantee there are healthier people out there. I am dating one. 

I wish you the best on your journey. Again, don't beat yourself up but look into why it matters other people KNOW about her actions. Let her be her own undoing. Trust me, she will show them her true colors eventually.

PW