BPDFamily.com

My wife and I have been married 19 years.  It's only been in the last year that she was diagnosed with BPD by our therapist, but looking back I can see all the signs from the beginning.  She has told the therapist that she definitely does not have BPD.  She says that she is an HSP and has PTSD.  The therapist is trying to identify symptoms/behaviors that she will acknowledge and work on those, instead of worrying about getting her to accept the diagnoses.  I'm fighting hard to believe that things can get better, but it feels like it is getting harder everyday to have a thick enough skin to absorb the verbal attacks and convince myself that it's not me, that I'm not a terrible person, husband, and father.

I'm not perfect, I've made many mistakes, but it feels like there will never be any forgiveness for them on her part.  My wife complains that I have never supported her dreams.  When we were first married we were both still in college.  I continued my degree, but she did not.  We never talked about that, she made the decision on her own.  Her tuition was a lot more than mine and I don't think we could have paid for both tuitions without taking out students loans, which we could have done, but as I said we never talked about it.  She made the decision and I being dumb, never brought it up.  Somewhere around 10 years later she told me that she wanted to go back to school.  At this point we had a mortgage, three young children, and a car payment and I didn't feel like we could manage her going back to school financially not to mention the time commitment.  She chose to be a stay at home Mom (another decision she made on her own that we really should have discussed, but there is a whole telenovela with her sisters behind her decision to not work. I fully support her decision and never pushed her one way or the other) so I was the sole provider and our children were still young.  I had been in my new job around a year and was still feeling insecure after being laid off from my previous job and taking 8 month to find this new job.  We had savings, but I was worried about making sure we established our emergency fund again, because that was the only thing that saved us during those 8 months. So, with that in my mind, my response to her was "where are we going to get the money to pay tuition?"  I think at the time she understood that it wasn't the best time financially for us, not to mention the realities of traveling 1.5 hours one way to the university and trying to get homework done while I'm at work and she is caring for the kids.  That understanding has faded with time and she now believes that I just didn't support her and I have always been controlling her and the money.  We have always had joint finances and she has had full access to the joint bank accounts.  I grew up in a family with 9 children where there wasn't a lot of money for fun extras.  My parents had no problem paying for private music lessons, or end of year school trips, or TI-83 calculators that were ridiculously expensive even back then, but family vacations weren't really a thing, nor was eating out.  She grew up in a family where both parents worked and never joined their finances.  Her mother wasn't the most kind or loving and my wife has told me that when she sees me sitting down and helping our kids with their homework it makes her sad because her mother would never do that.  Her Mother did teach all the kids to read, but if they made mistakes she would yell at them or hit them on the head with her knuckles.  She would, however, take them out to eat and buy them treats, which I think is why there is such a strong connection for my wife between love and how much someone spends on her because that is when she felt the most love from her Mother. With our two very different upbringings there were obviously different opinions on how money should be spent.  I have loosened up significantly and she has seen the wisdom in having an emergency fund and spending more prudently, but she has never forgiven me for her not finishing her degree and brings it up constantly even though for the last year I have been telling her to apply for re-admittance and she hasn't done it.

Every time we talk and she starts bringing up everything that I don't do to make her happy she tells me that I have been controlling her with money.  She has been working with her sister probably around 10 years now and for about 8 of those she has been keeping everything she earns in a separate account.  It's part time work so it's not a huge amount, maybe 500 or 600 a month, but it adds up.  About three years ago she told me she wanted to finish the basement so we could rent it out because "she wants an income."  At the time I was working from home in the basement because it was cool and quiet and the kids didn't bother me down there.  The only other place I could work was our guest room upstairs, which means we really couldn't use it as a guest room after that.  We also had a lot of stuff in the basement and nowhere to put it upstairs.  I explained all the reasons I didn't feel it was a good idea, but she kept insisting on it for a year and I finally gave in.  We used all our savings (She recently had been reading Dave Ramsey and believed it was horrible to take out a loan and pay interest if we have the money in the bank) and $13k from her money (she didn't even tell me that she used her money until after).  After the basement was done our front room upstairs was piled with boxes from floor to ceiling and there was no room in the garage for our cars (and she complains constantly now that we don't have any space and she can't park in the garage), but we finally had the income that she wanted and in around 4 or 5 years we will hopefully recoup all the money we spent.  She then started asking me when we were going to pay her back for her money that she spent on the basement.  This wasn't a conversation I was prepared to have and I would tell her I don't know.  She would frequently tell me that she has access to the joint accounts so she would just take it and that is basically what she did, she started taking the rent and putting it directly in her account.  The renters paid in cash and she would get mad at me if I collected the rent and put it in our joint account.  We should have had a conversation about it before she started taking the rent, but I honestly didn't know how to have that conversation with someone that is completely controlled by emotions and doesn't care about facts and I was in disbelief that she could ask that and be completely serious.  I apologize for the long post, but this is where I need some help.

From my point of view I have paid for everything since I graduated and got a job, and she decided to be a stay at home Mom.  I'm also sending money to her parents and siblings in Mexico (Her father died of covid, but before that, we were constantly sending him money).  Just last week she asked if we could send $1000 to her Mother who is a retired school teacher and has a good pension and would be just fine financially if she managed her money better.  So I'm paying for everything and it was her idea to finish the basement and she chose to use her money for the last payment without even asking me and then she tells me that I need to pay her back?  How does that make sense?  I'm trying hard to see her point of view, but how can she tell herself I'm supposed to pay for everything because I'm the "man of the house" (she has told me this, usually followed with "making money isn't enough" followed by the list of all the things I don't do) and she can keep her money to use for whatever she wants and she even complains that she shouldn't have to spend her money when the kids want something even though I never ask her to use her money, it's always her choice.  And on top of that, just take the rent and get mad at me if I deposit it in our Joint bank account.  And to top it all off she also comes to me and asks if we can send money to her family in Mexico when she has her own money that she could use to support her family.  I honestly feel used.  I feel like she is just using the excuse that "I never supported her" as justification to be selfish.  What am I not seeing?  She and I need to discuss this, but I don't even know how to attempt it without it blowing up into a fight.

Hi hoping for hope,

You are certainly not alone in many of these issues. My wife has traditionally spent like there’s no tomorrow, and like there is no need to work to earn money because you can get it on credit and then tell them you can’t afford it (not that she actually looked ahead like that). And then you can get more credit. She has never been ashamed to lie about her income in order to get credit. Our house was bought using my family’s money, and my wife has actually complained that the government won’t pay off her debts because she is a homeowner.

I have also been blamed on many occasions for stopping my wife from following her dreams in what she wants to do with her life, including studying and career paths. She has started many courses she didn’t finish, some of which I paid for or my mother did. A couple of them Mum paid for and w didn’t even attempt to tackle the courses. Again, apparently this is my fault because I didn’t help her enough and I don’t have the time for it. When actually she refuses to comply or attempt anything, I am a teacher but she is the most challenging student I’ve ever met. My wife is also a stay at home mother, and this was her choice and she’s never wanted to work while I take care of the children, but she acts jealous of me for earning money and associating with other people at work.

Also her family get the best of everything. Her parents both do not work, my parents don’t need hand outs (in fact they have given them to us), but it saddens me that my Mum and wife have such a strained relationship because my wife just isn’t grateful for them helping us with our wedding, home improvements, buying vehicles and the list goes on. She doesn’t like them having a relationship with our children and I’ve really had to fight for this.


I think it’s helped me to realise that my wife is actually delusional, they say that with bpd they see everything through the lens of the current emotion, but with my dbpdw it seems she literally gets stuck on something she sees through the black lens and it may stay black forever. Our wedding day for example, she looked happy, she acted happy, she actually presented as happy for several days at least afterwards. She is not one to fake feeling happy. But she now claims she didn’t enjoy that day and treats me like I’m crazy for wanting to celebrate it because it was an awful day. I don’t know how you can get through to your wife about the money. I think you need to do what you can to protect your own financial situation, ours is totally enmeshed even though we have separate bank accounts (and my wife hates this). You can consider setting boundaries where you have your own bank account, and whatever you decide, your wife will have to adjust to the new situation. Taking the power back has done a lot to improve things for me, though of course it has also been a very difficult time. I’m no stranger to being told I’m not good enough but I have certainly toughened up with the support I’ve had on here, and I feel stronger(in this moment) to face the splits now even though I know she can still weaken me in an instant.

Wishing you all the best.

I will second the idea of your own bank account. This is essential to protect the financial well being of your family. Personally, I think this is the best boundary and it's the only way I know of to protect your money.

Financial issues were apparent in my family growing up. My father made a good income. The issues were with my BPD mother's spending. During my teens, Dad went into debt. The stress on him was obvious.

Dad passed away in his elder years and apparently had planned well and left BPD mother with a significant amount of money- which she has mismanaged, and spent almost all of it. She kept her finances secret from us kids so we didn't know about the situation until we found some papers in her house - one being from the bank about a home equity loan that she took out without telling anyone. We tried to find out more information- if she took out this loan, she must have spent her savings. She refused so we didn't pursue it more.

Sometime later, her family got concerned and asked me, and I told them about the loan. They got involved. We moved her to assisted living before she got herself in danger of the bank repossessing it. We sold the house, put the remainder of the sale in her bank account. She's now drained that too.

Legally, it's her money and so we have little input to her spending. She's refused to let me or any other family member assist her with managing it or budgeting with it. Her family is trustworthy and I would be fine with them managing it if she would have let them. Reasoning with her doesn't work. I don't know what my father did to be able to save what he did- he must have had it in an account she could not access. Once it was all in her hands, she does what she wants with it.

From her perspective- she feels like a victim. She justifies whatever "need" she has for her spending. This is her thinking, we can't change it. It's possible your wife will continue to think this way- whether or not you keep some money in your own account- but as far as I know, this is the only way to have a limit on the spending.

Thank you thankful person and Notwendy for your comments.  When my wife and I first got married we agreed that we would have a joint account and manage our finances together.  This actually worked well at that time when she was still working.  Once she decided to be a stay at home Mom and didn't have an income that is when I noticed a lot of the resentment and jealousy as well.  She feels like she had to give up all her dreams to be a wife and mother and that I didn't have to give up anything.  She has no idea what I have given up or done without to make sure that our family has been taken care of financially and emotionally.  Earning money is great, but you often have to put up with a lot of crap to do it.  When she was still working I think she understood this, but it has been a long time since I have felt any appreciation from her for the things I do.

She has often told me that her Mom was never home because she was always working and how that made her feel sad growing up.  She grew up in Mexico City and always had two or three poorer aunts or cousins staying with them as nannies so her Mom was never really a Mom to the children.  My wife also frequently tells me that her Mom was a strong independent woman that taught her to work hard and always had her own money.  In fact my wife told me that the one piece of advice her mom gave to her before marriage was to always have her own money so she could do whatever she wanted without having to depend on her husband.  I think my wife wanted to be the loving Mother to our children that she never had, but is resentful that being that kind of mother came at the price of not being a financially successful "hard working woman" that she sees her Mother as having achieved.  However, as I have learned more about her mother and the dynamics of her parents I've noticed that her parents may have each earned good money, neither of them had any financial literacy.  Her Father passed away of covid in 2020 and was thousands of dollars in debt.  Her mother worked for forty years as a school teacher in Mexico and because it was a government job it came with a pension.  I just recently found out that they have a morning and evening school schedule in Mexico and her mom worth both so she actually has two pension and on top of that the Mexican equivalent to social security.  And yet, her mother is still asking to "borrow" money from her children and has never paid any of them back as far as I know.

My wife has never maxed out the credit cards and in terms of smaller day to day expenses she is pretty reasonable.  It is the tens of thousands of dollars worth of "necessary things" that is the problem.  The basement wiped out over $70K in savings and despite never having recovered financially from that she still wants to paint the garage ($2500), put in a built in bookcase ($5K), wants a brand new car that she chooses without me ($40k-$60), go back to school ($30K, probably more), join the Pace Morby gator program ($3K, it's a real estate get rich quick thing), go on vacation every summer and every Christmas, and the list goes on.  And of course I am the bad guy that has to worry about future financial stability instead of just today's wants.

I'm trying to have a thicker skin and see the needs behind the complaints and criticism, but it's hard.