BPDFamily.com

Hello, first post-
BPD diagnosis for our son was very tentatively suggested during my own therapy session (PhD)recently.
It seems to fit. We tried family therapy but my spouse and I feel the therapist bought into his convoluted and very long history of victimology.
I am trying to convince my wife an attempt with another Therapist may help us all learn to cope with this, and maybe point professionally to more focused therapy. Any suggestions for Diagnosis / Therapy resources in the NYC area, especially Brooklyn? Yesterday brought another crisis.We think he also needs help with other issues, such as incapacitating anxiety.
We live in another state, he is in NYC.  Suggestions for starting with on-line family Therapy? 

Hey ScowDoc and welcome, I'm sorry your family is going through this.

I'm going to give some advice that will sound harsh, wrong even, but I need you to hear this and absorb it.

First, the therapist you already saw.  That person is there for your kid and his initial job is to build a healthy working relationship with your son.  Like you, i hoped whenever i brought my kid to a therapist, they'd tell them right away that they're wrong and not giving this a proper effort....but what would that accomplish other than validating my feelings?  They can't do that as professionals and it's common to spend several sessions getting past the trust building phases.

My advice, give that therapist a few more sessions- preferably 1:1 with your kid.

Also, in terms of a recommendation around Brooklyn, I hope someone here can provide that.  But there's a bigger dynamic at play here...your son must actively want to get better and be motivated enough to put in the work for that to happen.  For someone with BPD, that's the scariest thing in the world....they'd literally rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

What's that mean for you?  Well, this just isn't about you or what you want.  It's about what your son wants and his motivation towards improving.

Why am I saying this?  The more you try to "rescue him" from his mental illness, the more everything is your fault and the more he'll resent you in the short term for failing him.  In other words, the more you try to fix the problem with money or therapy or other forms of support, the worse off he actually is.

If you want to pay for therapy, 1:1 is the way to go for him initially.  Let him build a rapport and let the therapist appear to be 100% on his side.  That allows the doc to do things you simply can't long term.  Therapy is like a game, a dance in a way, where everyone is playing checkers while the therapist is playing chess.  The right one is many moves ahead of you but intentionally holding off on moving your son into check.

I wish you luck no matter what you decide, and I hope some of this advice hits home.  It is 100% counter-intuitive compared how we have raised our children, and I went through this for many years with my now 25 year old BPD daughter.  The healing only begins when your kid decides to change, and it takes a great relationship with their therapist.