BPDFamily.com

28 years working with children.. advocating for them, standing up for them, building them up where others have torn them down, and helping them believe in themselves…

10 years with dbpdw. Ironically I first saw her as one of those kids I needed to help. I haven’t managed to build her up though and of course she blames me.

5 years (nearly) since D4 arrived and I realised I was not standing up for her as I should

3 years of bpd family coaching and caretaking/codependency recovery

1 week since D4 started school. On her first day of homework, w asked me to help her and I did. W freaked out (at me really but still criticising the homework) “ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!” And I said, “D4, I think your homework (a drawing) is really good! Well done! Your teacher will love it!”

I am proud of myself. Things are falling apart at work and it’s a challenging time for us as a family. But if I can continue to stand up for my kids and teach them that they are far better than good enough… it is all going to be ok.

That's really good to hear -- it's meaningful to see ourselves get stronger and healthier and more OK with ourselves.

I wonder if part of what's changed is in the past, you'd try to make the raincloud not rain on you, or you'd get upset that you got wet when you went out in the rain without an umbrella. Now, though, you know that rain is inevitable, but you also know you can tolerate the rainstorm that will eventually pass, or you can use an umbrella.

Lots of hard work, for sure  |iiii

Thank you Kells. I could not have done this without you and the others’ support and advice over the past few years. I needed to understand these situations inside and out to get this right and I felt like it all came together and I got everything right in that moment. I believe that you need so much support and training and I could not have stood up to w a few years ago. I minimised the chaos by giving D4 a supportive statement rather than directly arguing with w.

I did briefly justify things to w. She needed to be reassured that the homework was appropriate and good enough for a 4 year old. I know that reassurance is invalidating. Of course she doesn’t like it when I speak from a professional perspective, so I did not mention that. But I believe she needed to hear it, she just wouldn’t admit it. She grew up being told and shown she wasn’t “good enough”. Passive aggressive example: her mother used to colour in pictures perfectly and donate them to a local children’s ward! W would do her own pictures but they weren’t “good enough” to be donated. Omg the irony, where people actually would generally prefer to see pictures coloured in by a child imperfectly! To this day, my wife is terrified of doing anything creative and wildly jealous that I can sit and create whatever I want, not saying I’m talented but years working with children and it’s something I tend to enjoy, but w has asked me not to be creative as she feels it shows her up. I know we have more challenges ahead and I’m ready for it!

W announced that she will be doing all of the homework duties from now on. She has always announced that she would be in charge of this. Apparently I should have suggested w did the homework with D4. But I knew that w had already decided she didn’t know how to support this activity and needed me to show her. Anyway, I didn’t argue with this announcement and I’ll be working at that time usually. But I’ve learnt there’s no point challenging it when she says things like this, she does mean it, but will often go back on what she said. Example: she also said that D4 would be erasing the picture and starting again. It didn’t happen, the picture is being submitted to the teacher tomorrow.  :wee: I didn’t mention the other thing I know from a professional perspective, which is that the teacher will be particularly impressed with any 4 year old children (and indeed their parents!) who actually managed to get their first homework assignment done!

I think it's great that your stood up for her.  Of course her own drawings are more than good enough.

The key here is boundaries. Your D is good enough, and so are her drawings. We could say the same for you- you are a good mother and wife. Your intentions are good. People aren't perfect- we make mistakes sometimes but that doesn't mean they can't be good enough.  If your wife thinks otherwise- those are her feelings but it doesn't make it true. Boundaries are how we determine what is true about us and what isn't- and so by validating your D- it will help her to learn that she is good enough- whether or not her mother says so.