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Met her in February, started talking around April. June things became official. I knew from the beginning this wasn’t a good idea. There was a 10 year age gap with me being older than her. I resisted her initial attempts but she continued to pursue me . I fell for the lovebombing, it was the most intense relationship I’ve ever had. I knew she would lie about things but would look the other way. I didn’t want to confront her as I knew of her past behavior (suicide attempt, SH). She clearly monkey ranched from her old relationship to me back to him.  She broke up with me because of “external” circumstances, I thought it was fishy but I believed it and respected it. Two days later she calls me, gives me hope. Then two more days of calls. Then I catch her with her ex, and she calls. As if nothing. I couldn’t take it I blew up on her told her not to contact me again. It feels like I overreacted, but didn’t. It was psychotic to call someone tell them you love them and then go and kiss another person. I miss her.

Hello iWillLearn, and welcome to the community! I am sorry about the circumstances which brought you here, but appreciate you sharing your experience with us. It sounds like you have been through a rollercoaster. You will find a lot of people here who have been through similar situations, who will provide you with support and advice on how to navigate these very real, often perplexing feelings.

How are you feeling? Are you trying to make sense of what happened, or are you more focused on getting back to an emotional baseline?

There are no right or wrong answers. Let us know how we can best support you.

I think we all can relate!
One positive note is that it all seems to have happened so fast. In retrospect, the speed is significant. One of the earmarks of BPD is lack of impulse control, which she is exhibiting. On your end, perhaps ask yourself: what are your needs that made you vulnerable, even when you say you had some misgivings? I think you were targeted for some reason of hers. Some people are like heat-seeking missiles, and you happened to be standing there.
Whatever you do, please do not blame yourself for anything.

Her persistence was something that was alluring. We worked together and she was very helpful to me. Her being younger than me but exhibiting strong emotional intelligence was something that was magnetic to me. When we first started hanging out she said she had broken up with her boyfriend but I would see his name still pop up on her phone. She said he was trying to win her back but "I cant see him the same after meeting you". It was strange but I was infatuated. She bought me small gifts and would leave trinkets all over my work space and car. Always leaving me little love notes. One thing that was a huge red flag but ignored was her ex had threatened suicide to her. She broke down crying at work and said she wasn't even thinking of him but how it would affect us. She said she was filing a restraining order against him after that. She was very distraught. Later that night we had sex. We would always leave hickeys on each other, her idea.

During the course of the relationship we shared each others live location. She would ask where I was at when I wasn't home or work. I would see her location and would see her at places that weren't home or work but I never asked her. I trusted her. She would say she was out with her sister.  Another red flag was she had stopped going to therapy and had stopped taking her meds. She cited that she felt she didn't need therapy anymore and that the meds made her have mood swings. I urged her to go back but she didn't seem receptive to the idea.

Then I believe what cause the blow up was that I had planned to her out to celebrate her birthday but the night before I went out with a friend. Drank too much and was hungover the next day(don't normally drink like this). That celebration never happened. She was nursing me the entire day. She went home that day and said her parents had found out and they were furious because of the age gap and she wouldnt be able to see me for a while. Three days later she starts school again. She texts me all of day one "I love you. I can't believe I managed to get you. I miss you. You're so hot". She says she's going to sleep early but I see her location moving all night long. Day two of school she texts me for the first half of the day with the same enthusiasm. Then the second half she removes her location stops texting me. Then the next day the breakup.

I know you said not to blame myself but I feel as if I never got drunk we'd still be together.

Trying to make sense of it all. The high of being with her was insane. Luckily I have a strong support system of friends/family. I already have a workout regimen I follow, so I'm more focused on that. As well as having a career that can take my mind of things. Mornings are the roughest I will say. My apartment feels empty without her. I threw away all of her belongings. I did not want any reminders. Next will be deleting her pictures. It's all tainted now. It doesn't make sense how you can love someone one day and a day later you're disposed of. Tough.

It is very tough, but ultimately, ending the relationship and going no contact is the right response, at least for me. I had a similar chaotic relationship with someone with anxiety/CPTSD/BPD. When I'd finally had enough, I ended it and went no contact. It was terrible at first. The physical and emotional withdrawal are much like I expect a drug addict would go through. In time, it got better, and I understood better that it was the right decision. You can't live your own life when you're busy in stasis over someone else, so you need to move forward. You might consider therapy, but I know I'm much happier now.

It`s important to recognize the positive elements in your life, and it sounds like you have plenty! Friends, career, physical health - lean into these as you experience the many facets of grieving the end of a relationship. In the best of circumstances, a breakup is difficult. Throw in the confusion, elation, and many paradoxes that come with having a relationship with someone who has disordered thinking, and it`s understandable for the difficulty level of the emotions that you experience to be turned up a few notches.

Be easy on yourself. Things are still fresh. Give it time, and things will make more sense. The answer to questions when it comes to the logic behind your ex`s actions will often boil down to her being an individual who does not have the emotional capacity to show up in an adult relationship as an equal partner. Her actions are not a reflection of you, or what you meant to her, or the relationship itself. That isn`t an excuse for her behaviours either. You are allowed to feel hurt and upset.

Have you had a chance to read any of the articles on this website? They are great ressources.

Looking forward to reading more of your posts  |iiii. Hang in there.

Since this has happened, they have followed me on social media and started to like my posts. Also had a flying monkey visit my place of employment today. LOL

I think the elements of persistence and gifts and notes seem to be pervasive with this disorder, and in some ways it's sad for them because they are so insecure they throw every "loving" gesture they can at you hoping you'll accept them to the point it's overwhelming on the part of the receiver, but also addictive. Also the use of vague language when it comes to their behavior or feelings, i.e. "I feel unsafe", or "external circumstances." This creates confusion and leaves us guessing what creating safety entails, then, or what the circumstances actually are.

The emotional intelligence aspect struck me too. My ex often told me point-blank that she was very emotionally intelligent and that people had told her this. I find it interesting. I think often they can speak the language of psychology which makes us believe them, but they truly cannot put it into practice.