BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I have been lurking here for a while now. This site and your stories have and are helping me so much and have answered so many questions already. So thank you. The info I have found here has helped me to recognise these issues in my partner although sadly I think my own awareness of bpd may have  come too late.

I have hit rock bottom now with my undiagnosed, untreated and completely unaware bpd partner (I believe this to be the case now after much reading and research) who I love deeply.
We are in our late 30s and have been together now for 5 years but we were first together in school. He was probably the first guy I ever developed real romantic feelings for at 15 so I feel deeply bonded to him for more than half my life!
We have spent the last 5yrs together building a beautiful life, we have had so many happy times. We have a 3yr son and and my 8yr old son who my bpd partner has been a wonderful step dad to.
We also have a successful but demanding business together that is mostly my partners responsibility and I support around childcare. It has worked well.

We have always had terrible conflict right from the start. I never understood it, his reactions, his behaviours, moods. I have been so hurt and wrapped up in my own hurts. Learning more about bpd I am beginning to understand my part in it all. I have never handled it well.

3months ago we had a violent incident. This has not been a regular thing. We were both drunk (which has always been an issue in our relationship) and we both lashed out. I feel we are both responsible for what happened that night but physically I came off worse.
Ever since then he moved out and is now renting. We made up and agreed we both wanted to work on things and were considering couples therapy. Things were improving and we were both feeling the love again. 
We arranged to all come to Spain where we have a family home-it was his idea. I wasn’t sure but agreed in the hope it would bring us closer.
(We have had many holidays that have gone  badly wrong along with birthdays, Xmas, other special events)
He had been off with me in the week before we left because I had gone for dinner and drinks and I think it triggered his own attempt at sobriety (which he has asked for my support with and I am so regretful for, I have not drank since and don’t intend to). He gave me the silent treatment during the travel with the kids and for the first 2days here. I couldn’t take it anymore and confronted him. I didn’t handle it well. He said he wanted to go home, it didn’t feel right and he wasn’t sure if he still loved me. I was so hurt I reacted with go now then and he did. And he drank again.
Now I am stuck here with the kids, heartbroken and it’s been absolute hell, I am not functioning.
I feel so lost and discarded and am not ready to give up on us.
We are talking mostly about work now..he asked if I will stay with the business and that he needs me to.
We have talked a little about getting sober and he has been supportive and even protective of me about that.
He said he has not recovered from what happened that night 3months ago.
He said he will always be there but needs to be strong on his own and is afraid if we carry on hurting each other we will not be able to co parent well.
He said he still loves me but can’t do this relationship anymore.
I told him I can’t imagine life without him and he said he can’t think about that now and is trying to hold it together.

I cannot accept this. It’s confusing. I want to fight for us, we have so much worth fighting for but I know I can’t make him fight too. I’m not sure I believe he is really done. I think he has split on me worse than ever this time.
I was his safe person for a long time and I have PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed it but I want to be that for him again. Is that possible?

I am trying to learn and take responsibility for myself and validate him, find ways to make things better. I can’t let go of him. I’m lost.

I will be returning tomorrow with the kids alone but he is picking us up from the airport.

What do I do? How do I navigate this without losing him completely?

Hi Gemini24;

I know it's been a few days since you posted -- did he pick you all up from the airport? We can start there and then talk through more.