BPDFamily.com

My daughter is 15 she has not been formally diagnosed with BPD but has literally every symptom which have started displaying themselves over the course of the last few years (her older sister my 27year old does have a diagnosis). She lives with me, her step-father (he has raised her since age 6) and her two younger brothers. Her bio-father is an alcoholic and drug addict who is in and out of her life (we got her a phone last year and she has been communicating with him; but he is very sporadic with when she speaks to him).
About three years ago she accused my husband of being inappropriate with her. With much digging it was determined he was hugging/kissing her and she felt it was sexual abuse. He stopped hugging her or anything; we didn't hear another word and she started coming back to him for hugs & kisses. In July her grandmother (Step-dads mother) passed suddenly and it caused a lot of stress in the house. Suddenly at the beginning of this month she accused my husband again of sexual conduct - this time it was a step-up (touching her under her clothes - no penetration and making her touch him over his pants). She said this has been happening for four years!! She reported us to CPS and has been removed from my home. My husband has retained an attorney as he could be facing 60 years in prison (he is 67 so the rest of his life). I don't believe the accusations - the social worker assigned makes me feel like dirt for that but she was close with him, never alone with him, and my husband loved her like a daughter.
Additionally as I stated my 27 year old does have BPD and a number of other diagnosis. She was sexually abused as a child by a friends father and has accused a number of people herself (including the 15 year old's bio-dad thought never formally) She is in CONSTANT contact with her sister. Recently the 27 year old discovered she and her husband are about to be homeless. As neither has a job they will have no where to go. She came to my house trying to convince me to get rid of my husband so they can move in with me. During that conversation my 15 year old went upstairs - the 27 year old followed - when they came back I was told about these allegations. The 27 year old claims her sister has been saying this to her for years. When I told her I did not believe it and felt she was putting ideas into her sisters head she told me I was a horrible mother and she doesn't want anything to do with me.
Even worse DFS is placing the 15 year old with her dads family (when he was told about the allegations he called me drunk and threatened my life) and is giving me supervised visits with the 27 year old supervising (I am going to fight that in court). My life feels like it is spinning out of control and I have no idea what to do. I truly believe my 15 year old really believes this has happened and believes I am taking his side! She is setting herself up for disaster; she calls the initial investigation DFS worker her best friend and won't do well when she leaves the case, is ending up with her dad's dysfunctional family, is to deeply involved with her sister, and there is nothing I can do. I have been pushed out by this case and her accusations.
I am sorry for the long post I am just scared for everyone involved and don't know what to do next.

As a self-professed "feminist" who vehemently opposes victim shaming - my 16yo daughter has absolutely put me through the ringer with similar behavior. She's been sexually active for two years now, and after each relationship, she will inevitably accuse the other person of raping her. She also accused the neighbor-kid of touching her inappropriately. Then she'll say she misunderstood or misread the situation, and it WASN'T rape. But by then she's already accused the person and school officials (and in one situation, the police) and other parents are involved.

I'm scared to death that she is going to be raped and I am going to doubt her. The thought breaks my heart.

Hi mommabear,

My heart really goes out to you and your husband.

I wish pwbpd who falsey accuse others would realise what  this does to an entire family!!!

My udd has also accused many ex partners of sexual abuse after the relationships has ended and then dropped the charges. Recently I found out that years ago my udd accused a friend of the family of abuse....Turns out it couldnt have happened because he was out of town at the time!....But he was still arrested at the time. I did wonder why he stopped coming around at the time but never for 1 minute did I think dd did this as she never ever said anything. It has happened so many times to my knowledge that I dont know why the police dont have her on a watch list of false accusers. Iam truly sorry you are going through this. This situation is so messed up. How can DFS put your dxdd in a position of supervising visits when she has expressed that she hates you.! She could be reporting anything about you during these visits. That is totally wrong. Hopefully your dd being taken out of your home maybe what she has been looking for all along and she may drop the charges without the input of your other dd stirring things up. Please take one day and one thing at a time as I know how overwhelming this must be for you and your husband and surround yourself with good friends and family who will support you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. :hug:

There is a lot to process there; the good news is that many of us have seen similar issues before, the bad news is there's no perfect solution for fixing it. I'll just start, half for my own purposes, breaking it down into a list of the discrete problems you're facing right now.

In no particular order:

1. D15 is living with her biodad, not with you, due to DFS intervention. This one isn't too bad, it's temporary, reversible, and at least she's not staying with a criminal-pimp-neonazi boyfriend or something...let's assume her biodad cares about her. (Similarly, okay he yelled at you - let it go, you or I would likely do the same if the shoe were on the other foot and you believed he might be complicit in something like that)

2. BPD D27 wants to move in, and seems to be triangulating your D15 to help her kick out the step-dad by stating abuse happened (rightly or wrongly) in the hopes that...somehow gets her moved into your house. This might be the one you have the most control over right now, need to talk and think it through and figure out how best to proceed.

3. Spouse facing criminal charges; on a case like this it's unlikely you'd see a false conviction (hopefully), but in the meantime it's going to be hugely disruptive and straining everyone. A phrase like "he was never alone with her" seems unlikely to be true and I'd avoid it even though people love to say it - I mean you're saying he was her father for nine years, of course he was alone with her at times.

4. Possibility it MAY be true, and if so how does that affect the other issues.