BPDFamily.com

Our 37 year old daughter just received a diagnosis of BPD a few days ago. She had been treated for years for anxiety and depression and ADHD and was on and off various meds for the past 2 decades.

Over the past 3 months she has experienced a new level of rage that has left us reeling. Just last weekend she attempted suicide but called me in time to get to the hospital and get the required anti-dote. This past week has been so hard - her husband has taken their 13 month old daughter to his parents home as she is raging at him and he felt it necessary to remove their child as he was unable to communicate with her.

Getting this diagnosis over a video call alone with a psychiatrist was devastating for her. I've been sleeping at her place and staying overnite with her to help her feel less alone and make sure she is safe and taking her new meds.

However, in the last couple of days she was very unstable and a variety of things led us to call 911. However, because she doesn't meet the criteria for the police to take her to the hospital without her consent she is at home. And now she is truly alone because she doesn't want me there now either. I was truly the last person she currently has any relationship with; and now that is very broken.

She just booked an airline ticket out of the country to leave in a couple of days. I'm so frightened for her.

Hi Toby,

I'm so sorry, you're probably worried sick about your daughter, who is clearly struggling.  Maybe your daughter is raging against the diagnosis because she's convinced that everyone else is to blame for her problems?  This is a coping tactic that is very typical for BPD.

I see BPD less as a "disorder" of the "personality" and more as a series of behaviors that a person adopts to cope with emotional instability, insecurity and reactivity.  It's as if their general demeanor is very negative, and they have a hyper-sensitive, trauma-type response to ordinary situations.  By trauma response, I mean a hair-trigger, fight-or-flight reaction.  A fight response might manifest as anger, going from 0 to 60 in a second, in seemingly innocuous interactions.  Her anger generally seems over-the-top and disproportionate to the trigger.  A flight response is stress avoidance, and might manifest as blocking communication for days or weeks, and/or holing up in her room, sleeping all day, etc.  And I say "trauma response," because the pwBPD in my life will interpret many ordinary interactions as "trauma."  Typically, she'll create a story of trauma.  Her recollection of events tends to be highly distorted, or outright fabrication.  It's as if her brain twists things to see herself as a victim of traumatic abuse.  Maybe her brain twists facts without her knowing it, or maybe she's knowingly lying.    Either way, the result is that she tells numerous stories of abuse, and she's invariably the victim.  These stories always coincide with a disappointment, stress or a bad decision in her life.  As a victim, she wants retribution, which seems very misguided and destructive to her relationships.  In that way she becomes very demanding and entitled, while never apologizing for her own poor behavior.  Sound familiar?

I think a typical scenario for someone with BPD is to wake up feeling insecure and very negative (I'm inferior, I'm ugly, I'm incompetent ...).  They'll interpret most social interactions with this negative lens.  Then a daily stressor will occur.  For example, someone might not reply to a text right away.  The negative thinking loop will kick off:  they're being ignored, excluded, demoted, abandoned, insulted.  In response, she might lash out, but later regret what she did, followed by feeling shame, cutting people out and feeling stuck.  What is especially damaging is the victim attitude.  Because they can't bear the pain of shame, she'll project their anger onto others, blaming them in the process.  Somebody else started the argument.  Somebody else is narcissistic, evil, self-centered, rude, demanding, childish, abusive, a bully, a liar--all of these accusations are projections of her own thoughts and behavior.  Does this sound familiar?  The victim attitude is pernicious, because she's really the one behind all her problems.  And she's the solution!  But she doesn't see things that way.

When I first learned of the BPD diagnosis for my stepdaughter, who's now in her mid-20s, I was hopeful because I read that BPD is treatable.  The key is for the pwBPD to want to get better.  They need to want therapy to work, because therapy IS work.  I'm relieved to say that my stepdaughter is doing much better now, after extensive therapy.  We're not fearing for her life on a daily basis anymore.  She's living more independently now, though I wouldn't say she's independent.  Nevertheless, she has made progress, and I'm hopeful, as long as she stays on track.  She still hasn't repaired the relationships with most of her family, after accusing them of abuse.  While the FEELINGS behind the accusations of abuse are real, the details of abuse are not, and this has caused huge rifts with various family members.  But at least she's repaired the relationship with her dad, who is her strongest ally on the road to "recovery"--that is, managing the severity of the BPD emotional dysregulation and lashing out.

All my best to you.