BPDFamily.com

Hi, I don’t think anything I’m going to say is novel info for you all. My guess is that it is a typical scenario on this board.  It is new and overwhelming to my husband and me. I just need to download dump because I have tears in my eyes and think this is a place to share our story and start to find support.

My son (anonymous name Ted) is married to a woman (anonymous name Peg). Peg is undiagnosed but fits the profile of bpd and npd.  I am in the middle of listening to the book, "No More Walking on Eggshells”. Wow, I feel overwhelmed, sad, and bewildered. Yet the events of the past 4 years are now making more sense. This leaves a combination of a pit in my stomach and validation.

Ted and Peg have been married for 3 years.  They met when he was in college and she was pushing for marriage within 3 months.  It wasn’t like him to rush into a big decision like this but he was infatuated with her and convinced that her perspective made sense. The conversations my husband (anonymous name Jake) had with him to take time to slow down to get to know her wasn’t the path to take.

Over time we saw more and more signs of Peg’s impulsivity, irritability, angry outbursts/fights with us, narcicism, and control over Ted's decisions. Ted’s life has been gradually overtaken by Peg’s control. He has relinquished so much of himself - his avid guitar playing with a group, his outside friendships, his perspective on his past. He has very little independence and rarely does anything without Peg except pick up dinner if they order out or run brief errands.  They sold a car so they can always go places together with him driving, they have moved to a small one bedroom rental apartment from the 3 bedroom house they owned despite having the money to afford it. He saw a therapist but no longer does. The appts went from in office to remote to none.  Just like his job…in office…to fully remote.

It is as though she wants his presence every moment.  Jake and I never have an opportunity to talk with Ted one-on-one.  She is always on speaker when we talk on the phone.  Sadly, Ted is like a deer in headlights a lot of the time and can’t remember details he knew as an adult about his childhood.  Sometimes he seems joyful but he expresses feeling cognitively sluggish and has some trouble carrying out activities of daily living.  He has gained 70 pounds in 3 years and his self esteem is much lower.

My therapist has helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together of what is going on although she is appropriately careful not to diagnose. Ted is our only child and has always had some special needs.  Jake and I worked hard over the years to get him the medical and emotional help he needed to have a strong sense of self and stability.  Treatment and academic support was expensive but we felt that, as parents, optimizing his quality of life meant the most to us.  As a family of 3, we were very close and he was doing well until Peg. Now Jake and I feel brushed aside and judged by Peg that our love for Ted is our inability to let go with an "obsession of who he was as a child". Ted is really starting to believe this too, criticizing me for having some of his childhood things in our home.

Jake and I are grieving the relationship we used to have with Ted. We are trying to come up to speed on what is going on with the bpd, npd, how to not trigger, and how to let go of the relationship we thought we would have with him in the future. Ted and Peg initiate calls with us often on the phone. They do not live near us. They want to connect frequently on the phone and sometimes seem normal. As long as we all stay on a light-hearted level, it can be relieving and to talk with them. But…there is nearly always an impulsive idea about moving or starting a business or some big transition they want to tell us about. It’s like they are a revolving door of change with regard to wants and needs. 

Due to Ted’s limitations, his doctors have always said reducing transitions in his life is important. Peg operates from a no downtime unless she’s in depressed collapse, buy a house, sell a house, rebuild an old home, travel here, travel there, buy expensive things.  Ted works a full time job for a good company but she is always drumming up a part time business, mostly for him to do. None of these desires or lifestyle choices in and of themselves are abnormal.  It’s the intense need for change, impulsivity, and high need for us to reinforce that each new idea is a great idea. If we even suggest slowing down the transitions, we are criticized for being too cautious.

We are learning not to step on Peg’s emotional landmines but it’s tricky.  Oh how we would love to wake Ted up to the realization of all of this but we’ve been strongly advised that this is not the route to take, that we will likely be shut out entirely by mentioning the reality he is living in.  We won’t risk that.

So where are Jake and I in our grief? We are partially in denial, angry, sad, and bewildered.  Still a long way from the acceptance stage of grief. We’re trying to figure out how to detatch from the crazy but remain in relationship.  How in the world does one do that? We can’t save him but we want to. Ugh!
This is like a nightmare we want to wake up from.
 

Hello and welcome to the group  :hi:

There's a different kind of pain when even though you aren't the one in the BPD relationship, you're watching a loved one jump in and lose himself. It's so painful not to have any control over what he does, and to feel like you don't have a way to reach him about what you're seeing. What you're saying here makes sense:

 
it's like it's a relief to find out what it is... but the price is, you find out what it is.


About 10 years ago, one of my closest (male) friends got in a relationship with a woman diagnosed with BPD. There was nothing I could say that would get through to him -- it was like he had to ride the whole ride to hit rock bottom himself. Really, really difficult to watch, but yes, preserving the relationship so you can be there if/when things implode is critical. I think if I had been pushier, more intrusive, tried harder to convince him to get out, then if she had seen any of my texts/emails, she might have started to focus on me as a problem and pushed him to cut me off.

Because I remained "nonthreatening" she didn't target me and really didn't see me as a player. When the relationship fell apart I was still friends with my friend and helped him pack and move away from her place.

So it's smart of you to work on finding that balance of declining to engage with unhealthy stuff, but staying connected and in the relationship with him. I would think it would mean a lot to him to feel like you and your spouse love him unconditionally and are reliable and dependable. This may be a long journey, so your consistent, calm actions may communicate to him over the years that no matter what, if stuff falls apart, you will be there for him.

Do you have any opportunities to talk just with your son on the phone, or is his wife always on the calls, too?