BPDFamily.com

 :help:
Just reading some of the posts on here have been a great help and relief to know that I'm not going mad!

My daughter has just been diagnosed with bpd after years of problems, drug abuse, falling out with family. She has been very promiscuous and can be very volatile. She is now going to be getting private treatment. She is a 31 year old single mum of a 4 year old daughter. She lives a short distance from me and my partner but last year she had a huge argument with my partner and punched him in the mouth knocking out one of his teeth. She thought she was defending me after something he said to me.

I am 62 and work full time. I am secure financially and live month to month. She is on benefits and maintenance from her daughter's father. She lives in a flat nearby and my partner no longer wants anything to do with her, has sold his house and is now looking to move from the area. My mental health is not great, I have had suicidal thoughts to the  point where I researched best ways of doing it etc. I am worried sick about my daughter but particularly my granddaughter. My daughter lives in a constant mess, is addicted to benzodiazepines and regularly takes codeine to lift her mood. She has a support worker from the authorities and they are fully aware of the whole situation including child services and the school are also aware and keeping any eye on the situation.

I am worried sick about my granddaughter and how she lives. At one point she said she 'I want a different mummy'. My daughter can be a great mum, playing and having fun with her but there is also a lot of shouting etc.

Bottom line is, I cannot decide how much of my daughter's behaviour which includes laziness, is down to the BPD. It is very hard to go to her flat and see dishes in sink constantly. I do clean for her but can't help but get upset with her for not trying to do more. I know that the ideal solution would be for me to find a bigger place with her so I could oversee everything and at least make sure my granddaughter is living in a clean, safe environment with some emotional stability but I genuinely doubt whether I could cope. My partner will no longer be here, what happened affected him badly and he is set on moving away from here. As much as our relationship isn't the most smooth and stable, he has been my rock through all the ups and downs with my daughter and he is fully aware of all the bad behaviour etc in the past. My son, her brother, says that she manipulates situations to bet what she wants etc and really doesn't think it would be a good idea for me to live with her. What do I do?? Do I leave with my partner and abandon my daughter and granddaughter visit now and again or do I stay put, and risk my own mental health, very likely getting into a financial mess as she is very poor with money etc. She will be starting private treatment soon and I am also going to see a phsycotherapist for help. I am sorry this is a long message but this is how desperate I am for help. It scares the life out of me to be totally responsible for my daughter and granddaughter without the support of my partner in the background. I really don't know if I can do it. Please give your honest thoughts and advice, I am very grateful.  

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Tough as your situation is, it's unfortunately not uncommon for a family dealing with BPD.  You can take a look on these boards for tips and advice.  Handling a loved one with BPD is tricky and often counter-intuitive.  Your situation is made more complex, given drug addition and a grandchild to worry about.  No wonder you're feeling distraught and unstable.

I'd suggest that you might consider therapy for yourself and/or your partner.  You're no good to yourself or your loved ones if you're a mess.  You need to prioritize self-care, so that you have a chance of being helpful to your family.

Maybe one thing you could try is to spend time one-on-one with your grandchild.  You could approach it as a way to give your daughter a break--because a single mom doesn't often get breaks.  If you use that approach, it's less likely that your daughter could be jealous of the attention you give the grandchild, or think that you're trying to take the child away from her, or use the child as a means to control you.  Alas, forbidding you to see the grandchild is a common tactic used by pwBPD, in a misguided attempt to punish and/or control you.

Based on what you've written, my gut tells me it would not be a good idea to live with your daughter.  Violence and drugs are not things you want to bring into your home.  If she's distressing you from afar, you can guarantee that the stress levels would be super-sized under your roof.  It sounds like you're in too much of a fragile state to endure that, and to enforce the household rules against drugs, violence and slovenliness.  Your partner doesn't want that, either.  Besides, your daughter is an adult now.  She's responsible for herself, not you.  She is responsible for her emotions and her drug habit, not you.  She is her own problem, and she's also her own solution.  She just has to be in the right mind to realize that.  She might be perfectly happy being the way she is now, because she gets what she wants--drugs, and someone else to pay for her room and board.  She probably has very little incentive to change, even if she's miserable, and making you miserable right along with her.