BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone! New to this forum. I've been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and as giant arguments with my husband (who has BPD) emerge, I've been practicing setting boundaries -- saying I love him but the way he is behaving is inappropriate, and if he can't change his behavior I'll step away for a little while and come back.

However, the other night he had a massive blow up while we were giving dinner to our one-year-old. I really don't know what to do -- if your partner is flipping out, do you remove the baby as well? Or do you leave the two of them together for 10 minutes and then come back? I am scared that removing the baby will cause my husband to freak out at me even more intensely, because, when splitting, he thinks I'm very controlling and that I never listen to him or respect him and that the baby is growing up without any of his values, etc. To him, he's my victim, and he doesn't see me as more impartial or trustworthy than him, of course -- so why would I get to decide how to handle the baby? Taking the baby away to the bedroom would definitely pour gas on the flames of the argument.

The details of the argument: My husband had started cooking a soup, and I told him I'd finish off the dish while he started feeding the baby. I finished cooking it and said it was done, and he didn't believe me, and I said "it's totally good now, let's eat it" but apparently something about my tone was wrong because he started to feel like I was disrespecting him and his cooking process and I wasn't letting him do it how he wanted and I was controlling the soup, etc.

I said, "No, go ahead and finish the cooking! Absolutely fine!"
He said "No, it's too late, I can't cook it now, I just wanted to relax and you started blaming me."
I said, "This is not at all what I intended, can we just move on?" But he clearly was getting more and more agitated and I couldn't calm it down.
Then he started to say things like, "Oh it's all my fault again? Oh you hate me because I'm being too difficult, huh? Here's your abusive daddy. Mommy hates daddy! Daddy is going to break everyone's legs, and then Mommy is going to hit Daddy. Daddy is a horrible, terrible father, and everyone knows he's sooooo abusive, right [baby]?"

This is where I set the boundary and said, "I don't think this is appropriate. If you can't change the tone so we can just get through the night, put the baby down, and then talk after bedtime, then I'm going to have to step away for a few minutes." He couldn't calm down, so I did that ...

I don't think my partner would ever be physically violent towards the baby but he gets so erratic and out of control that I really did want to take the baby to the other room. I just didn't know the best way to keep it all feeling calm.

Would love your advice.

Hello Starfruit and a warm *welcome*

Glad you found us and are also getting help from reading about BPD. It's so challenging when BPD is in a family system with kids (my H's kids' mom has many traits), so it's wise of you to get as much support and education as you can -- for your sake, for your H's sake, for your marriage, and for your baby. (Congratulations on the baby, too! It's so fun when they are ~1YO and starting to walk/interact more).

Everyone's safety is important and I want to start out by saying that what he said was concerning to me. I wouldn't suggest "pack up and leave now", but when someone says "I'm going to break everyone's legs" that's not a 0 out of 10, that's at least a 5/10 for concern. Right now it sounds like it's information -- he isn't doing these things but he is not well or regulated enough in those moments to manage what he says, and that's concerning that he's unregulated enough to say violent things. So -- just know that it's something to have a balanced view of. No panic -- no "get out now" -- but don't downplay it. Info for future decisions. (It also might be smart to check out our section of workshops on crisis management (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296179.0))

Couple more thoughts --

I think there's a continuum of knowledge about/application of tools for BPD.

Most of us start at absolute zero -- no idea BPD is involved and no new tools or skills to improve the relationship. That's where I was. I really thought that we could "win" disagreements by "explaining it better" or "having more data". Yikes.

It sounds like your H does have a diagnosis of BPD -- is that right? Is he still seeing whoever diagnosed him, or is he in any kind of treatment right now?

And you have started reading SWOE and you're here. So, you're not at absolute zero, which is good. You know BPD is in the mix and you know you need different tools in order to be effective  |iiii

The next step on the continuum is really refining our understanding of those tools/skills/approaches. There can be nuance there that is easy to miss. That isn't to say "the problem is you're saying the words wrong, and if you just say the words right he wouldn't ______" -- please know we don't suggest that!

What it means is that it can take some practice to get a good understanding of boundaries, for example, and figure out the most constructive way to apply that understanding in our lives. We don't always get it on our first few tries, which is why this is a great group for feedback about examples just like yours (the soup incident).

One unintuitive thing about boundaries (which are rules for ourselves that are 100% under our control) is that they're less about what we say, and more about what we do. We don't have to describe or explain our boundaries to others; in fact, when we "announce" our boundaries to others, that can sometimes (counterintuitively) escalate a situation. For example, if I'm at a party and it's getting kind of out of control, maybe even kind of physical or people are starting to fight, I can either make a loud announcement to the room: "You all are getting too violent and you're getting into fights. I don't tolerate that so I'm leaving."... or, I can just leave the party. The first option, even though it's "technically" doing my boundary, is "doing" it in a way that is kind of waving a red flag at a bull. I don't need their permission, acceptance, or approval to leave, and trying to get that from irrational people isn't wise on my part.

The second option -- where I just leave the party -- is effective. Nobody has to allow me to leave, and I don't need anyone's permission or understanding or acknowledgement. I just get to keep myself safe.

I wonder if something similar may have been in play at these times:


My thought is that unfortunately, he probably isn't at a regulated place in those moments. Your words probably aren't getting through to him, and/or he may be experiencing your words as "arguing", "blaming", or "not hearing him" (I'm not saying he's correct -- more suggesting how he may have perceived things).

If you're saying things about his inappropriate behavior, that's kind of a rabbit hole -- all of a sudden, it's an invitation for him to argue with you more: "I never meant it that way, you're blowing it out of proportion, my behavior isn't the issue" and that's not a side trail that helps anyone. He can't process it rationally then so it's not a great path forward at the moment.

I wonder if a more effective move would be -- you still get to have a boundary (rule for yourself) about whether you stay in the room with someone saying stuff like that... but you don't have to announce it to him, explain it to him, or point out to him that it's "because of his inappropriate behavior". (It very well may be! But that's besides the point when he's dysregulated).

What if when he gets that way, you say something like: "Oof, I think Baby needs a diaper change. Gonna take care of that, we'll be back in ten minutes" or something like that?

That gets you and baby a break, gives a timeline for when both of you will be back, and doesn't make it about him.

I do think protecting your baby will be important and I do recognize that that is a really tricky needle to thread when the BPD parent is "just" saying things. Same as above -- this isn't 0/10 stuff but this isn't "panic now" stuff. It's more about being wise with your eyes open that you may need to get pretty creative in caring for your baby, not accidentally inflaming situations, and knowing that you are allowed to have  boundaries to protect yourself (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0).

Lots to think about, so I should pause there for you  *)