BPDFamily.com

The motivation for this post does not come from the BPD in my life, for once, but from somebody I only know remotely. I write on a music forum and one of the most active users is this guy A who clearly has some sort of issues. I never met him in person, but from what he writes and what people who did meet him told me,  he most likely has some sort of disorder, most likely NPD or something similar.
Few days ago, he suddenly wrote ver worrying posts declaring his suicide and then disappeared from any SoMe and did not access WhatsApp for 24 hours. Another member of the same forum, B, who himself has severe anxiety issues, understandably was a bit scared and started contacting police etc.
When A finally responded, he said something like “I killed my internet persona, not my real one” and initially seemed happy about all the panic he had generated. However, he somehow later found out that B had also asked for help on what to do on another forum, similar to this one, saying that he wanted a suggestion in what to do given that A had severe mental health issues.
When he read this post, A went completely berserk because B had told someone that he had mental health issues. That made me think of something I often worry about: how much am I allowed to say about my sibling s condition?
The point is, I tend to not say anything, under the assumption he s the only one allowed to talk about it. But, sometimes I really feel like a should say something. If anything, because people see how he treats me and just cannot understand how can I tolerate some of his behaviours. Tolerate simply means I don t spend the time saying bad things about him, but at the same time I struggle to explain why I “understand” what he s doing, even without “justifying him”, as some of the things he does clearly make no sense to most. 

I am sure lots of you know what I am talking about… what is your approach to discussing your loved ones condition?

This is a difficult situation. In my family, it was the unspoken rule- you do not reveal BPD mother's behavior to anyone. If we did, there'd be punishment.

My parents were able to maintain an image of normalcy and competence with BPD mother. My father was invested in this too. I think a part of this was protecting her fragile self image. Also, if we kids said anything, usually people didn't believe us.

Where I "broke" this "rule" was when my father was ill. He was maintaining the image that my mother was taking good care of him at home. I was afraid for him. I spoke to his doctor and also a social worker about my concerns. It wasn't about my mother. I wanted more home health for him. Dad told me not to say anything more to his doctor.

So I have my own way of deciding what to say to whom. Who needs to know and how much? Also, do they want to know and what is the motive/outcome. Will it do any good, or harm? Also, am I being dishonest or enabling if asked and I don't tell the truth?

By talking to my father's doctor- I had to know that I tried to help my Dad.

With my mother's FOO- she had painted me black to them. They believed her. Trying to "defend" myself and speaking about her would only result in confirming what she tells them. They couldn't believe both of us and they already believed her. Also, they were her support system and it helped her. So no, I didn't say anything to them. Eventually they figured it out on their own.

I will tell her medical providers if it's helpful to her care plan. Interestingly- she has told some of them to not speak to me. I have actually backed off from speaking to them. They know how to contact me if they want to.

Some people don't need to know. In your situation- whatever people think- it's not their business anyway. Also don't underestimate their own experiences or ability to figure things out.

So for me, it's a decision based on- what good will it do, will it cause any harm, and who needs to know and how much- and only tell people as much as they want or need to know.